It was a three-day-weekend for me, so I really thought I would have more time to get things accomplished; I have been reading all of these great books, watching some really great movies, and have been walking around feeling full of inspiration and oh-so-motivated…but it is now Tuesday morning, I am back at work, and suddenly I realized that I am not, in fact, GI Jane, nor am I like the woman in Eat, Pray, Love who gets to travel the world after her divorce, finds healing and love by eating a ton of pasta in Italy, going to an Ashram in India, etc…I do this a lot; I read these really great things by some fabulous women writers, or watch a powerful movie about a woman basically proving that she has balls as big as any man. And then I get to feeling like I can run marathons and be the wisest, strongest woman I know…
But then I remember this: I really, really don’t like to exercise. So for me to look at Demi Moore with her sexy shaved head doing one-armed pushups and think, “Hey, with a little bit of work, I could do that,” well, let’s just say that isn’t going to happen. I can do two two-armed girl pushups before needing to plop on the couch with a cream puff to rest. Also, let’s be frank; I have no desire to find solitude and God in an Ashram in India, I really don’t. Anyone who has ever seen my house knows that, okay, scrubbing the Temple floors is just not going to work for me. And if it takes that kind of work to receive Divine Inspiration, well, I guess I don’t want it that bad.
There is no denying, however, that I am at a cross-roads in my life right now; I am already on pretty intimate terms with God, but I am definitly seeking something; I am just not sure what it is. Answers, maybe, but I guess I am not asking the right questions, because I am just not receiving any clarification on certain things. Maybe that is the lesson, to not need to know the answer to everything, but, like scrubbing Temple floors, that also really doesn’t work for me. I have been told that I may have the tiniest problem with some control issues, but the idea-even as buddy-buddy as I am with The Big Guy-of someone else dictating the happenings of my life? The thought terrifies me.
So-I am not even thinking Demi Moore today, nor taking a trip out of the country; today I am just trying to keep my grip on today and (gasp!) just waiting to see what will happen next.