So I Lied-Shoot Me

I posted yesterday about having the best of both worlds, and for the most part that is totally true, but as life often does, things changed overnight. Owen, the toddler, is sick. Again. I noticed he was a little feverish last night before I headed to my meeting, so doped him up with some Motrin, and when I got home he was sleeping like-well, like a baby. Which means restless and noisy and fretful, in my book. I am SO dragging ass this morning, because he was just a wreck all night, off and on. This morning? The Sweet Prince had blood and pus coming out of his ear (what the fuck is this with OOZING things at my house? Last week it was his penis, then it was his nose, and now it is his ear; I don’t do well with things that ooze.)and was still feverish…

But since he isn’t contagious, I had to take him to daycare this morning, which broke my heart; he is really just needing snuggled and loved and held by mommy. It must be a throwback to his 15 months of nursing (or maybe he just has the manly genes already out in full force, I don’t know), but he really, really loves nothing more than to lay on my chest with on hand covering my left breast (though as a totally unrelated aside, I also really like my left breast; it is so much more user-friendly than my right one! Even a little perkier and, dare I say it, sexier?), and this morning, he just wanted to sit there and hold me as closely as I wanted to hold him. He cried when I left, which has maybe happened three or four times in the year he has been at this daycare, and as much as he loves Jacquie, he loves me more; it is so hard sometimes to have to harden my heart long enough to leave.

In the midst of all of this, it is my Eli’s birthday today; a very masculine, lovely 14 years old this morning! Because of Owen not feeling well last night, I didn’t have time to make the cake. I tried to convince him that it would be okay, just this once, for him to have a store-bought one, but no, it clearly isn’t. I am counting my blessings because Jacquie, in addition to caring for my sick baby, is also running her daycare as usual, is also going to bake the cake for me today during nap time (which goes above and beyond the definition of friendship in my book!). At some point, between taking Owen to the doctor at 11:30 and scarfing down some lunch in order to be back at work by 1:00, I also have to go to the store and get the things for Eli’s birthday dinner tonight. Last, I made arrangements over the weekend to go see a man about a dog, and tonight was the only night that worked for either of us. After work, then I have to go gather up all of the kids and drive out to bumfucked Egypt to see if we want this dog. Which today, seems like just one more responsibility in my already stretched thin life.

And you know what else? I am lonely today; I want nothing more than to get through the day (and I will, and we will have fun when it is all said and done; it all depends on my attitude, and after I post this, I am going to work on changing the way I am thinking at this point in time) and put the kids to bed and lay on the couch with someone who loves me. I want, for one one night, to be cherished and cared for and nurtured. Now, I am all about self-nurturing, and I try to do that on a regular basis. I know well that I am better off alone than with a man who is not worthy of my considerable love. I know all of that. I am not, in a general sense, at all unhappy with where my life is today. But every once in awhile, I am so strongly reminded of what and whom I thought I had, before he made the choices he made, and it hurts. I hate feeling like this, but at the same time I know that the only way to get through it is, simply put, to get through it. Can’t get to the other side until you walk through the shit first.

God. It feels like death sometimes, that things can be so suddenly changed, literally overnight, and that it takes so long sometimes to accept that hey, life happens, and I am strong and can do everything that needs done today, and that tomorrow is another day…all of that, all of this emotion and pain and feeling torn, and I have only had one cup of coffee. Looks to be a long day…..


6 thoughts on “So I Lied-Shoot Me

  1. Oh, hon, you know I can relate…to all the crap! And the good stuff, too. In less than 24 hours, this day will be over. Sometimes, that’s all we’ve got!

  2. I was going to leave a comment on your last post, but then I saw this one. So I’ll just leave one comment for them both…I think it’s horrible the way women judge other women’s decisions when we should be banding together. If being a working mom is what is best for YOU, then go for it! No need to apologize! For others, being a SAHM is what is best. And they shouldn’t be judged as any less successful as those who work outside the home. I’m so sorry things took a turn for the worse. It sounds like you have an amazing day care sitation and I’m sure that helps a bunch!I think life’s ability to change overnight is a halmark of single motherhood. As the only adult, things can swing dramatically from great to horrible without another adult presence to steady the sitaution. I hope Owen gets to feeling better soon! And I hope the birthday dinner and visit to see the dog turn out well.Keep us posted…

  3. Well, at least you are actually alone, instead of in a marriage with someone who does return that considerable amount of love you have to give. I’d think that’d be worse, don’t you? :)I’m sure you’ll find the one who will, eventually.

  4. bright future: you are right, SO right, about we as women needing to band together. The mommy wars are still alive and well, and I hope it did not come across that I was chastising SAHM’s. On the contrary, they are both blessed and cursed with being with their kids all day, and are all the stronger for it! Thank you for your kind words. I might have to post about the asshole doctor tomorrow, though.Maria:Yes, it is better being single than in a bad marriage; I have been married and divorced twice, so yes, I know. And as a whole, I am content where I am; there are moments, even days or weeks, when I get very, very lonely, and knowing that things could be worse doesn’t always help. Thankfully, I usually get through the loneliness fairly quickly!April: Yep, I know you get it, and am so grateful! 🙂

  5. I’m sorry I didn’t read this sooner, as you are probably nearly done your evening by now; but I’ll be praying for you. I’m so sorry poor little Owen is sick! As for the clinging, I think that is just the age, personally. When Andy reached that stage, Hunter was a newborn, so I chalked it up to jealousy over the new baby. But now Hunter is doing the same thing, and he really has no reason to be jealous. So it must be that 1&1/2-year-old stage.

  6. I really don’t know whether I should be terrified of you or not.Actually, you know what, I am terrified of you, cuz you’re one hell of a woman.Good luck with everything, you deserve it.;0)

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