Send Me the Love

I woke up this morning in something of a blue funk; I had hoped I would feel better for longer after getting home from Seattle, had hoped that the rest and relaxation I got would carry over into my real life for more than a day, but that hasn’t been the case. The house is still a crappy mess, the kids still fight all of the time, I still have some major financial issues that I am trying to address but is taking much longer than I thought; basically, it is still my life. Not that I thought it would somehow magically transform itself while I was gone, you know, but-I don’t know, I just thought I was in a better frame of mind and would be able to see things differently with some fresh perspective. Not so.

I am just so tired. We live in this really small, crappy house that is suddenly falling apart, and my landlady just doesn’t have the money to fix the things that are going wrong, so it just gets worse. I hate it, and we looked at another house yesterday after work, one with an extra bedroom and bathroom, but I just can’t swing it financially; not just the increase in rent, but the increased heating costs (it is a two-story older home). Which is why we have been stuck where we are, because it is more than I can afford to get into another place. Yes, I am on the waiting list for the Idaho Housing Authority, no, we don’t qualify for a low-income apartment (for those of you who are inevitably going to make suggestions, I have tried them all. Don’t qualify to even apply for Habitat for Humanity, cannot get a home loan, etc…). I went home last night and just felt so discouraged I wanted to sit down and cry; there are clothes in laundry baskets in one corner (my “closet”), books piled on every available surface, the closets (all three of them) are filled to overflowing, and we just don’t have any room. Therefore, the house never looks clean even if it is, and it makes me feel like shit that I can’t even really invite people over or anything because it looks so awful. I do what I can, but it just doesn’t seem to be enough.

I usually do pretty well with accepting that this is where things are, and I can only do so much to change things. In a general sense, I am maybe not wildly happy but am at least content, because things are better than they used to be, for sure. Right now, though, I just feel like a rodent on one of those wheels that run and run but never get anywhere; I have entertained more than once the idea of getting a second job, but then there are all of the repercussions of that, like not being able to be a parent, of having my 15 year old daughter assume the role of parent to the younger boys, which isn’t an option. Neither do we have an after-hours daycare in this area, so I couldn’t take Owen to a babysitter while I worked at night; which I wouldn’t want to do anyway, after having had him in daycare all day. Goes back to this thing called parenting, which I want to be able to do. So I stop and think about all of these things, and realize that even though on paper, a 2nd job makes sense, in real life it doesn’t. It would create more problems than it would solve, for sure. And none of this has to do with the house specifically, that is just the one tangible thing to focus on that make sense, you know?

I am so fucking tired of being alone, too. Yes, I have an amazing group of friends, yes, I have a lot of love in my life; I know this, and am continuously grateful. It just isn’t enough sometimes. I am so tired of being the only parent in my kids’ lives. I am tired of looking around me and seeing that everybody else seems to be doing it so much better than I am. I know all the right things to do; eat right, try to get enough sleep, let myself feel however it is I feel and then move on. I know well that it is better to be alone than in a shitty marriage or relationship. I know firsthand that me alone is better in SO many ways than some of the people I know who AREN’T alone; I know on a deep, elemental level that I provide for my kids some really, really important, life changing/affirming things. I know that. But knowing all of that doesn’t always help; it doesn’t change the fact that at the end of the day, I am still alone. I used to have this, I don’t know, vision? Dream? Whatever, about the kind of person I would be with, and let me tell you, that has changed dramatically; instead of a rich man who would take care of me and, by proxy, my kids, I just want someone who loves me. Who wants to be with me not for what I can give him or how good I can suck him off, but because he thinks I am something pretty special. It isn’t settling, it is just-different.

God. I am in kind of a bad way here. Maria was asking for donations awhile back for a new computer, and I am thinking about asking for donations for a life. This guy, has one for sale; any takers? Not really, but-I just don’t know anymore.

I need some love, guys. I need you to lie to me and tell me how great I am, how any guy would be so lucky to have me and Steve is stupid for not seeing that. I need you to tell me that I am not totally fucking up, and that things will somehow, some way, get better. If you are a believer in anything, send up a prayer for me. When you are done with that, head on over to see April, because she needs to feel the love, too.


6 thoughts on “Send Me the Love

  1. Kori — So sorry things are crappy right now. I understand the feeling of running in circles, it never getting better and just reeling run down by all of it.Just know that you have lots of us out in blogland thinking about you, wishing there were some way (other than being a sympathetic ear) to help.Thinking of you…

  2. Why would you even think you are messing up? Doing all the right things doesn’t always equal success. What it DOES equal is an awesome person. You. I wish I could tell you you’re about to hit the jackpot, but we both know that would be foolish…..I hope you feel better soon.

  3. Well, you know I can relate and feel pretty much all of this – except for the fact that I love our condo and don’t want to leave, and yet will most likely have to. You also know that I love you, and absolutely believe that you deserve better, and I do hope you get it. It’d be nice to see someone get what they deserve!

  4. I don’t have to lie to you to tell you you are a great person.I can also commiserate if it is any help especially on the living in a too-small space, I know how it is to clean and still have the piles and the exposed life, to realize that if you stick one more pan on the shelving unit they are all going to fall over and what’s the point anyway since you are going to have to dismantle the whole pile just to get that cookie sheet the next time you need it, the avoiding playdates or dinner invites because you don’t feel able to reciprocate and then feel guilty for taking advantage of others. I think I’m going to go have a glass of wine now, I’d offer you one but I won’t set that kind of temptation in front of a friend.

  5. I hate to sound like a broken record but don’t let life it you down! It’s so full of ups and downs sometimes it’s hard to keep track of them all. But really, you need to focus more on the happy moments! I’ve certainly posted enough about all my financial strains in my blog in 2007. The beginning of 2008 hasn’t been too helpful as my job just reduced my hours so that’s not helping at all. And although I have a husband, sometimes they are more frustrating then not having one. Mine does not bring in a steady income as he is self employed as a farrier. He called me this morning and thinks he wants to look at a new truck this weekend. >8-PYeah right…If I knew anyone over their in your area I’d be happy to introduce you. Unfortunately I don’t. My suggestions are more along the lines of find a group to join. If any of your kids are interested in 4-H or FFA or Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, Cub Scouts or any other community groups. It’s a good way to meet other more people and give your kids more activities to help occupy them.

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