My Ex…. mother-in-law is crazy. Not in the sense of “I never liked her because she was interfering” type crazy but, you know, certifiable. Her son and I have been divorced nearly 15 years, and in that time period, I think she has had her phone number changed at least that many times, if not more. Because if she gets more than a couple of wrong numbers or hangups within a few weeks, she is sure someone is stalking her. Ditto with the same car passing by her house more than once. If it is one she doesn’t recognize, she calls the police. She also has a very odd list of things that the kids are not allowed to eat or drink: red Koolaid has always been out (RED DYE), but red jello and all the diet soda they can drink are IN. Sunscreen gives you cancer so the kids are only allowed out in the pool when the sun is down.
Maybe I Should…. stop worrying so goddamned much about what I SHOULD be doing, and just doing what is good and healthy for me.
People Would Say… that I need some serious mental help. But they are MY delusions, and I am enjoying them very, very much. When they stop being entertaining and fun? THEN it is time to get help. Or if I, you know, suddenly drop everything and sell all of my household furnishings in order to get a tattoo and fly to the next state over, I might have stepped over the line from harmless sexual fantasy to, you know, certifiable. Like my ex-mother in law.
I Don’t Understand…. why people call their spouse/partner/whatever “Baby Daddy” or “Baby Mama.” it just doesn’t make any sense to me, because it seems so…so…demeaning. I really like a couple of people who use that expression, so this isn’t about some deep-seated personal resentment or anything like that. I just don’t get it.
When I Wake Up In the Morning…. I immediately put my glasses on. Because I can’t see much without them, and when I can’t SEE, I can neither hear nor think.
I Lost….my wallet one time when I was in high school. Set it on a counter in a gas station, and by time I walked out to the car and noticed it-we are talking about a matter of minutes here-and went back in, it was gone. I thought my step-dad was going to have a heart attack or stroke because he was SO ANGRY with me; in fact, I recall thinking that if he did, in fact, than it would be money well lost. No dice.
Life is full of…. enough ups and downs to rival a roller coaster, complete with heart stopping views of the world from the top, and plummeting, stomach shaking dives downward. All in all, quite the ride.
My Past Is…. checkered at best, but perhaps better left unspoken.
I Get Annoyed When… people in charge of putting up signs outside stores can’t spell. I have posted this one before, but my all-time favorite fuck-up is “Two pinds of brokli.” Please. I actually won’t frequent a store whose sign is miss-spelled, it bothers me that much.
Parties Are… like a slow, painful death for me. I am way too shy and self conscious and I always end up doing something really stupid like stumbling up the stairs (sober, even!) or spilling food on my shirt.
I Wish…. that I didn’t feel like I had to take responsibility for everyone else. I would like to be nurtured every once in awhile, thank you very much. I also wish my niece wasn’t mad at me for telling her that I wouldn’t tell someone to stop calling her husband a jackass. Honey, it just isn’t that big a deal!
Dogs… make big piles of shit in my yard (which is why I have the kids mow, actually), eat way too much food, and make me smile. A lot.
Cats… I really like them, but I can’t eat a whole one by myself (stole that line of a t-shirt but it makes me laugh every time I say or think it).
Tomorrow…. I hope that my $50 Boomertowne Visa gets here, because since it is “found” money (as in, not budgeted in for something), I would really, really like to go get a new bra. Or two. TMI, I am sure, but the only bras I have that even come close to fitting are my old nursing bras, which haven’t been in use for over a year (at least not for their intended purpose, as Owen quit nursing at 15 months). And frankly, they aren’t all that sexy. Not that anyone is seeing them, but STILL.
I Have a Low Tolerance for…. ignorance. And long lines at the grocery store. I always think that if people knew how important I really am, they would just move aside and let me throug
h. Hasn’t happened yet. Also, for people who don’t bathe. Please; I will buy you a bar of soap and some deodorant; they are cheap at the dollar store.
If I Had a Million Dollars… I would just sit down and cry.
I’m Totally Terrified…. of my ex-husband trying to take Sam. Or of even seeing him. I am terrified that I am really, really screwing up my kids. Terrified of getting seriously ill and having no insurance. Of…too many things to list.
*****OMG. I JUST learned about a kind of party that I think I would like. If I wasn’t too embarrassed to walk in the door, anyway. She described it as being sort of like a Tupperware party, only with, you know, adult toys. I am wondering a couple of things, though: 1. Can you, um, return the merchandise if it doesn’t live up to your expectations? 2. Are there trial items, like Bath and Body Works has? 3. Would it be possible to hand out masks outside the door so those so inclined could me incognito?****