Not Just a Crush

I fell in love this morning; completely, totally, head-over-heels in love. This isn’t just a passing infatuation or a school-girl crush, but the real thing. And it is not with a male, but a female, which totally goes against the grain for me. Just totally. But this girl, oh. If you could SEE her, you would know exactly what I am talking about, and the line would be forming to become the object of her affections.

The problem? She is 18 months old. Jacquie (daycare provider/close friend extraordinaire) has a new family, though it isn’t a family in the “traditional” sense of the word. Mom is actually not mom, but a foster mom, so “her” children come and go fairly regularly. Right now she has a 5week old baby who is going to be adopted by a family member, and they are just waiting for said family member to be fingerprinted and have a background check so she isn’t going to be there long. And then there are two little girls, sisters, one black and one white, and it was the youngest one with whom I fell in love. She isn’t especially pretty, but very compelling. And I was talking to her, telling her how pretty she is and just talking like you do to little ones, and she ran up to me and lifted her arms toward me, asking to be picked up. Of course I did, and she just grabbed on and laid her little head on my shoulders as if she belonged to. I stood there and held her with Owen looking on in disgust, crying-because how can anyone give his up? How can anyone deny this little girl (and her sister, who is as cute as cute can be, but also much more standoffish; she has reason to be wary of adults, I am sure!) the love and caring she so deserves, and obviously craves?

I can’t pretend to know anything about their circumstances, or why they were taken from their mother and are now in foster care hoping to get adopted. But I have been around long enough to know that for parental rights to have been terminated, things had to have been pretty bad. They have been with this foster mom for about 6 months or so, which is GOOD ( I know this mom, and she is SO great!), but it just sucks that their little lives have already been in such turmoil.

God, I want her. Them. I know myself well enough to know that for a million and one reasons, it is neither possible nor practical, and that it is at this point in my life not even something I should be thinking about, wistfully or otherwise. I am also self-aware enough to know that I am a caretaker and I want to save everyone, and that my emotions were heightened this morning by the fact that school started and not one of my kids needed me to go in with them-they are outgrowing me, and of course that is bittersweet. So yeah, I am not stupid, I understand about transference and the desire to replace the children growing away with younger ones in order to feel loved and needed. I also know that I am struggling with the knowledge that Owen is, in fact, the last child I will ever have. So many different things combined this morning to contribute to this feeling!

It is strange, though, to be so drawn to a child, and equally strange to have one so drawn to me. I don’t as a rule enjoy other people’s children, and though I talk to them when I drop Owen off, it is NOT in my nature to want to pick them up. In fact, Owen has been going there for over a year and I can say with certainty that I have never picked up a single child there. So this little chickadee has something special, and I hope there is someone out there who sees her and her sister and falls in love just like I did. I hope there is someone out there who takes one look and decides to move heaven and earth to get these girls, to give the baby some love and to help that haunted, distrustful look to fade from the older one’s eyes. I hope….


13 thoughts on “Not Just a Crush

  1. I know how you feel. Except for the knowing I’m through having kids part. But yeah, there have been one or two little kids I’ve met whom I really, really wished I could adopt. As if.

  2. I think I would feel the same way if I saw those little girls! I’m sure I would want all of them. Honestly–if my husband felt the same way I do we would probably have at least ten kids and who knows how many pets!Maybe you could look into the possibility of adopting? Ask the foster care mom about the process and see what she says. I know it’s a huge big deal–but it couldn’t hurt to ask a few questions!!

  3. That would crush me. I can’t even listen to animal cruelty stories on the news. I am thankful that I can’t see their innocent faces, or they would haunt me. I pray they find a spectacular family brimming with love…

  4. That’s awesome 🙂 During my years in social work, there were certain children that I just felt drawn to. It would kill me to know that the odds of them getting adopted were slim. I once had to terminate parental rights on a sibling set of SIX and all of them were put up for adoption. They were all under the age of seven and cute as can be.

  5. Oh, that must be so hard. I can’t imagine. I loved my own babies, and loved them as toddlers, teens and now adults, but I’m not drawn to other people’s babies. I’ve had this happen to me with dogs, where they just seem to ‘pick’ you and it can be so difficult to say no. It must be a hundred times harder with a child, and especially so in your circumstances.Sending hugs, and lots of good luck for these two little cherubs.

  6. Isn’t it absolutely appalling what people do or don’t do for their children? I am so glad that these kids are up for adoption into loving homes.

  7. That is compelling. Last year, we were at a family cook out. One of the families was in the process of adopting two children. The eldest of the two boys, a 2 year old, just ran up and sat down in my lap. Then he laid his head on my shoulder and fell asleep. He’s now been adopted by the loving family. I’m so happy for him.

  8. Thanks for the comments on my blog. I am sorry for the situation with your sister. Grudges just seem so hurtful and unneccesary to me. If my mom were to blog about me, it would be a picture of someone who’s expectations she can’t live up to, who places value on money and appearance, superficial, and judgmental. Funny thing is that I only try so hard because I have done it all my life in trying to gain approval. I am critical of myself, so I try to create a better picture of myself by focusing on my outer image. I do not judge her, but wish that her walls could drop. All of the things I did to try to gain her approval led her to believe that I was a holier-than-thou individual whom she wanted nothing to do with.

  9. Awwww! You know Kori, maybe it’s time to look into a career change. I’ve always wanted to be a foster mom, but to teenagers. At this point, I’ve never been in a position to do that, but there’s always tomorrow. And I don’t mean you should be a foster parent, but a good friend of mine is going in to get her Human Services degree and one of the things she does to practice that is to volunteer to be a child advocate in the justice system, and do her best to make sure the child’s voice is heard. She gets a great deal of satisfaction from being able to make that little bit of difference in a child’s life and it also enables her to follow along their path and see how they do.

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