It Would Have Been….

It would have been three years today for Steve and I. In many, many ways, we still are together, just not “together.” Not that I expect that to make sense to anyone save myself and a very few select people. I have been a little out of sorts all weekend, and woke up this morning in an off mood. I didn’t make the connection between the non-event and my mood until I was in the shower this morning, though. I am out of sorts because today would be our three year anniversary; instead of it being a celebration of a milestone, it will instead be marked by Steve taking Owen for a few hours and me going to an AA meeting. I cannot remark upon it, cannot say anything to him about it being a significant date, and instead have to pack up the baby’s diaper bag and send them off together with a smile, even though inside I am so sad that this is what it has come down to. Especially when it is so unnecessary, when it did not have to be this way. Especially when I still love him so much, when I know that he does love me, but when it is just impossible to make him see that what I have to offer is not a burden, but a gift. My heart is more than a little heavy today, I am on the brink of tears, and at 9:00 a.m. I am already looking forward to this day passing, to waking up and having tomorrow be just another day.

This is part of why I know I am destined to stay single. Not because I am soooo in loooove with Steve that I am going to pine away and withhold my love from everyone else because I am so pathetic. No, even though I can honestly say that he is and will be the love of my life, that ephemeral “soul mate” that people talk about, I also know that there are millions of men in the world, and I could live with and love any number of them and be if not wildly happy then at least content. Of course, you don’t see any of these men banging on my door begging to go out with me, but still, they are there somewhere. The thing is, I just don’t have it in me to seek anyone out, don’t have it in me to try to get to know someone and got through the whole weeding-out-the-losers thing, and as you all know, I hate to date. Hate it, suck at it, have no desire to do that. And I am aware that this is a choice I am making; despite the fact that I have been damaged very badly by the men in my life from childhood on, I know there are a lot of really great guys out there. I can’t lay the blame on them for making me a victim, because I did that all by myself. I don’t feel like a victim in this case, though; I mean, I am just aware of my limitations, of which there are many, and also know that I am not willing to do the work it would take to find someone. Basically, I just don’t CARE anymore.

Which is, of course, a lie; I care too much. Loving too much-that is a problem for me. Back in the day when I was a drunk, I did it for all the wrong reasons-because I couldn’t stand to be in my own skin, my own life, so I gave everything I had to the people around me so that I wouldn’t have to be alone with me. It isn’t like that anymore, and I have come to terms with the way I used to be, compared it toe way I am now, and find that I am a million times more comfortable now than I ever have been. However, when I do love someone, I love them with all I have. In sobriety, it is much easier for me to keep clear lines of demarcation between myself and my partner-I have worked too hard to find myself to lose myself in another person. However, I still love wholly and unreservedly, and therein lies the problem.

Time to rethink a lot of my previously held ideas and beliefs. One is the whole Friends with Benefits thing; I have a really hard time with this concept, which is also related to my drinking days. I fucked around indiscriminately, and I have made a point since my divorce of choosing very carefully my partners. I was celibate for a long time before I met Steve, and I really do believe that for me (and ONLY me, this is not a judgement call at all!), it isn’t good for me to have sex with someone I don’t care about. I guess because being with Steve has shown me that when you love someone, it IS different. Lots. So I think I need to work on becoming more cold and callous about sex (ie, I should start thinking like a man!). Not quite sure how to do that one, but I imagine it will come.

Also, I will be the first to admit that despite my history, I still believe in love. I guess you would call me a hopeless romantic, which frankly sucks. So another project in this New Year of mine is to get over the whole “Love is gentle, love is kind” shit, the belief that as long as there is love, there is hope. I believe that the only true love that matters is the love I have for my kids; the rest is just some mythical bullshit that really has no impact on our lives. If anything, it serves as a temporary good feeling that will eventually end.

I am just pissy today; tomorrow will be better, because this terrible day will be over. And while I AM especially bitter today and it is making itself known, I also know that deep down I already AM cynical, so I don’t really have that much work to do in becoming more so. I think what is hitting me the hardest is that for a little while, I really did think that things were going to work out for me and my family just this once. And this days just serves a a reminder that no, in fact, it isn’t.

Tune in tomorrow; maybe I will be in a better mood. And I will leave you with a funny: Over the weekend, a man was stabbed in a fight outside an apartment complex; he later died. THAT part is sad, it really is. The funny part is the story in the paper: “So and so was stabbed in a fight over the weekend, he later died. Foul play is suspected.”


18 thoughts on “It Would Have Been….

  1. You don’t have to be in a better mood, as long as you’re honest through your ups and downs. Happy Anniversary, anyway, such as it is

  2. Sorry to hear it’s not a great day…I feel your pain.I love too much, too. And despite everything, I still pine for the happily ever after.Thinking of you and hoping the day, the pain, the struggle passes quickly.Hugs sweetie…

  3. I don’t think you’re pissy . . . you’re being reflective. Such a powerful place to be. “However, when I do love someone, I love them with all I have.” I know it might not seem like it, but this is part of what makes you so, well, WOW.

  4. It is a reflective day all around. You are allowed to be. You are allowed to have a day that just sucks. Hugs to you. Do I have to give you my mantra for the cancer thing? It works for all sorts of bad days. One day at a time and sometimes just one second at a time.

  5. I have no words, just a heavy heart. I wish you were next door so we could hug, vent and share. You just have so much going on and care so much, and well, never cease to amaze me with you depth.You are beautiful.

  6. That is a rough day. I’m sorry. I wish there was something I could say to make it better, but there isn’t. Just hang in there and hope tomorrow is better.But the last thing? That’s priceless. I shouldn’t laugh at that, but I did.

  7. interesting – we are on opposite sides of the coin today :)these two things are written from different perspectives – i hope things keep getting better for you Kori… sounds like they are thanks for sharing your life through writing -I send you love!LarryG

  8. Honey, I wish I could tell you something encouraging. But you know where I am with all this. Honestly? I had to skim through certain parts because it hurt too much. I love you.

  9. Who said love was gentle and kind? I thought the saying was “Love is blind.” And that is very true. As well as the quote in Scripture that says, “Love covers a multitude of sins.” That goes both ways, you know. Some sins should not be overlooked. But I digress.Anyway, I don’t think there is anything wrong with being in love, or with just being the person you are. And there is also nothing wrong with sulking when your love goes unrequited. I don’t really think there is a comfort zone when it comes to love. Becoming callous will hurt just as much as being too sensitive. You just have to accept the way you are and not feel guilty about it. If anybody thinks you’re a baby for crying, take comfort in the fact that sometimes the ones who don’t cry end up killing someone. I firmly believe that perfection is founds in brief moments, not in a whole life. I think the key to being happy is accepting that you will never have/be/do all that you could want, and shrugging your shoulders about it. If you need to cry, or even bitch and whine, about it sometimes, well go right ahead! And sooner or later another of those perfect moments will pop up to paint a rainbow in your sky again.Until then, lots of hugs! I may be in the same mood at any time myself, hehe.

  10. I am sorry…and I do hope you feel better tomorrow. I have been married 31 years…during years 15-16…was hell on earth for me! We weren’t together and I can honestly say…we no longer felt love but sometimes feelings change and you can build something different! I took care of Ronda and The Hubby fell in love again with that Ronda and remembered the good of the old Ronda! Not sure if that helps but…life is good and love can be gentle and kind.Sending love…

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