On The Edge-AGAIN

This is what happens when I am off the anti-depressants; I just feel crazy, I have a hair-trigger temper, and my emotions are all over the board. I was doing pretty good there, had them in my system and was feeling pretty much on an even keel. Now I have gone through the withdrawals and am right back to square one. I don’t know-it somehow seems worse than it was before, because I am more aware of how I am feeling as opposed to just thinking it is all hormonal. I just can’t seem to cope with the things going on, can’t take things in stride, and I hate that.

This is my pattern, as any reader must know by now; I do okay for awhile, but then I come crashing down into that abyss. That is a pretty typical pattern for anyone, I think, but for me, every time I come crashing back down, I feel just a little closer to the edge.

I want to go back home and go to bed, or just sit here and cry. For some reason the stupid people at the Idaho Child Care Program are really screwing up these last couple of months, and for whatever reason, they aren’t going to pay my childcare this month. I have been in the ICCP program for six years and have never once had a problem with the re-certifying; it is just a matter of faxing in pay stubs and giving basic information. So I did that in July, heard nothing, assumed that it went through-just like it has for the past six years. Just found out last week that they hadn’t made a payment, so J. called to find out what was going on and they said they never received my stuff. Fine; I sent in everything again last week, in addition to emailing them about it, and they still haven’t paid. So today I have to take the majority of my check over to J. because she can’t carry me until they decide they are going to get their shit together-which leaves me with about $40 and I won’t be able to pay my power, phone bill, or any of those other silly things like groceries. Basically, I am fucked. And don’t know what I am going to do about it. With any kind of luck, they will get their crap together and send in a payment, but it isn’t going to help me with this money-she legally cannot give me back my money, but instead can just give me a credit-which, of course, I won’t NEED once they straighten it all out. I understand that sometimes things happen, but when said “things” don’t get resolved in a timely manner, those “things” directly affect my ability to take care of my kids.

I am also struggling with something so petty, so ridiculous, that I am almost embarrassed to admit it. But in talking to Steve last night, he was telling me about this really great two bedroom house he found to rent, it has new carpets and cupboards and new appliances and it is on a dead end street…on and on and on, and I wish I could say that I don’t begrudge him a better home, I DO. I was thinking about looking, as I do every year at about this time, for a bigger house, and I can’t find one I can afford. Not even CLOSE. So I look at him living this carefree life with no real responsibilities, and he gets all the good stuff. In the meantime, I live in this little tiny two bedroom piece of shit house, where you have to be careful about which sockets you plug things into and there is mold growing in both bedrooms and it is like the Joad’s, I swear to god. And for the foreseeable future, I am stuck here. Totally and completely stuck. So yeah, I know this is MY issue, I know that I am being unreasonable and I also know that envy is a terrible, terrible thing, but it doesn’t change the way I feel. It is just so hard sometimes-a lot of the time- to be punished for being the responsible adult. And that is exactly how it feels.

I hate that just when I think things are maybe going to be better, slowly but surely, something happens that reminds me that it really isn’t. And yeah, yeah, I know, I know, live in the moment and be glad you have the kids and you really have a good life-I don’t need the lectures, I know very well that I have a lot of really great things going on. However, it seems like I just can’t keep my head even above water, and slowly and surely, more bad things happen than good, and it is harder and harder to keep that positive outlook, harder and harder to pull myself out of the pit. And yes, this too shall pass in time; what worries me is that my ability to continue to cope and be strong and, yes, happy is getting harder and harder to find every time this kind of stuff happens.

So easy to say “It’s only money,” and equally easy to say that “Money doesn’t buy happiness.” The only people I know who believe that are people who don’t have to worry about it on a daily basis, people who can weather these kinds of financial setbacks with relative ease. I am not one of them. I am now wishing I hadn’t spend money on two new bras and underwear on Monday, because now that money could sure be used to buy milk and bread for the next two weeks. I knew when I bought them that I shouldn’t, but I justified it by telling myself that I haven’t bought new underwear since before I had Owen, and the only decent bra that I have was given to me by someone else-and that is true, but there wasn’t any reason I had to have them right then. I just had a little bit extra, and thought it would be nice to have something new. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Ah. Another day. I hope that blogging about it helps; it is only Wednesday, and I have a very full three days of work left, as well as a bunch of different stuff going on at home. It isn’t an option for this to be the one thing that pushes me over the edge again; I just don’t know how to keep it from happening. Maybe Patrick has some ideas; I might go on over to his blog and ask.


18 thoughts on “On The Edge-AGAIN

  1. What a powerful blog you have, I thank you from my heart for your posts and would love it if I could add you to my Blog Roll! Thank you!Peace,Gabi

  2. And meanwhile, the fucking gov’t is stepping in to save AEG and loan them billions of dollars but you’re just supposed to suck it up!! Oh, I was so pissed this a.m. when I heard about that! Sorry – ranted on your blog.You know I get everything you wrote, and I know you don’t need a pep talk. I just hope you know I love you.

  3. I honestly don’t know what to say. I could say “take it one day at a time” or “this too shall pass” but you’ve already said it and don’t want to hear it again. So I’ll just say I’m really sorry you’re going through such a rough time right now. And am praying that either things lighten up for you soon or you find a way to get to the medications you need to help you cope.

  4. Hahah Patrick made a visit to my blog too, but I spammed his douche-bag ass.I feel you on the AIG thing too April. I am currently out of bread, milk, and soon tuna, soup and cereal. Oh right, then theres always GAS.I wish I could make those “money doesn buy happiness” people EAT their own money and see how they feel.

  5. Kori — So sorry to hear about the child care fuck up. So very sorry.My offer for coffee and cigs still stands…just say the word. (Oh, and April — I am so so pissed off about government bail-outs. Ugh.)

  6. April, can you PM me and let me know what meds you are on? My health plan pays for mine and I get 3 months at a time, so I have a ridiculous amount that I could share. I subscribe to the ideal that if mama ain’t happy, then nobody’s happy. And if happy means medication, then so be it!In exchange, you’d have to let me lecture you about smoking! 😉

  7. Oh, I’m so sorry about the childcare! What bastards. They love to keep people desperate; it keeps our attention away from what the government is doing when they AREN’T screwing with our income. Despicable turds.On a side note, I’m pretty sure I read that black mold exposure can cause mood swings, among other things. I’ll check that out again. Maybe it isn’t all the medicine after all. Though you certainly have enough reasons to be depressed. I’ll be praying for you.

  8. @ Gabriella: thanks so much! I would love it. And don’t know what is powerful about anything I write, but am glad you get something out of it.@april:I love you too. @ Shelley: no, I am on a Patient Assistance Program and they are pretty strict about the reodering, I sis talk to my doc about some camples, and she thought she could get me some on the sly, but tey don’t have any in right now. Probably because I used their last ones while waiting for my actual prescriptiion to arrive, ha ha. They are about $160/mo.@ Kori: I know, I know.@THOpGood: yeah, me too!@Pisceshanna: Amen, sister!@abrightfuture: I just guess it is time to quit, ha ha, but thanks for the offer.@Rebs: my name is not April. And no thanks, I get lectured enough about everything else in my life, I already quit drinking nine years ago and don’t have gratutitous sex with strangers anymore, so I think I would rather just keep smoking and hope people get off my ass about it. But hey, thanks anyway!

  9. I feel for you and hope for a bit of magic to happen and fall in your lap. There are no words that I can give you or advice at times when shit falls on our plates. One year ago, I was on life support in a coma, 20 days latter I woke up deaf after living a healthy happy life for 48 years. A year latter I still sturggle with the effects of a stroke and the virus that made me deaf.This morning I drove my wife to Princess Margaret hospital for cancer treatment. This is the 4th time she has come of remission. Like me, she was a healthy young (45) beautiful women who ran marathons, did not drink or smoke, and ate no meat. 4 years ago was the first bout of Leukemia.What matters to both of us now, as she lay in the hospital today and I am 12 months out of work (on disability still recovering) is our son.A healthy 14 year old boy is all that counts. We fight (both of us) battles,not unlike yours, God knows being on disability and her unable to work has been an unbelievable strain on our finances. We sold our beautiful 4 bedroom house and moved into a tiny 1 bedroom with a bedroom in the basement for our son. I guess my point is, the strain of finance which was huge, is so small compared to the realization of how fragile life is and how important and wonderful our children are to us.I used to think living well was the best revenge, now I believe that living simple is the answer.I hope your problems work out soon, and I love your blog.Keep everything in perspective.David

  10. I don’t have anything super-helpful to offer except to say that I’m pulling for you, whatever that’s worth.I’m waiting to hear that something wonderful has happened for you to right this ship.

  11. I wish there was more I could do besides give you a cyber hug. Maybe I could put PP on a plane and have her totally clean your place? It might take care of the mold. She cleaned my sink the other day when I had my back turned!

  12. Hi Kori–Thanks for the nice words on my blog–I appreciate it! I’ll email you the guys name!I’m sorry about your money situation–it sucks. Just hang in there until it’s straightened out. And don’t feel guilty about the underwear! Things WILL work out.

  13. You know Kori, I don’t know what you are going through but I understand.I know you’re strong.And though we might not know each other too well, I’m here if you need to vent!

  14. Have you contacted your prescribing doctor? My son takes some interesting meds, and his doctor has given us trial packs on occasion. You might be able to get some replacement meds that were pharm rep samples. Just an idea.

  15. Seriously, this is when I know that the world is just a wee bit off its axis . . . you should NOT be going through this. April is right . . . it is all just bullsh*t. And you are right. I know money doesn’t buy happiness, blah, blah, blah. But the lack of it doesn’t buy happiness either . . . And Tara brought up a great point about the meds (there are a lot of programs out there as well for massive discounts). Simply said, you deserve a heck of a lot more than this . . . and I believe that good things are in your future . . . something about a good heart and a good soul . . .

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