Day Three of the Guided Journal is about listing my own strengths. You can read it here.
So I don’t know, things are a little strange just now. Not strange as in I am going crazy or that anything bad is happening or in that I have suddenly became telekinetic in the night, just…strange.
My oldest sister called last night to tell me that she and her fiance have set a date for their wedding: New Year’s Eve. They have been engaged for awhile, since I think April? And I have to be honest here in that I was crazy jealous about that. Angry. Very, very envious. I hate to admit that; I hate throwing that out for everyone to see, but there it is: I begrudged her her happiness because I was pissed that it wasn’t me. I have been angry with my sister for many things, holding all of this resentment inside because things have always been better for her, she has everything, she is beautiful, blah fuckety blah, but for some reason this one really took the cake. When she told me about her engagement and showed me her ring, I faked it; I gave her a hug and told her how happy I was for her, and inside I was seething.
But she called last night and you know, it suddenly didn’t matter anymore. She made a comment about how she told P. yes clear back in April, but she hadn’t told herself yes until last weekend, and I got that; I GOT that she really wasn’t ready, and that there were all these other things to take into account (including her own two failed marriages, and even though she was damaged in different ways by the way we lived as kids, damaged she was), and then finally she WAS ready. When I told her congratulations last night, I really and truly MEANT it; I told her what a beautiful way to start a new year, and I meant that as well. I told her that I would definitely be there, and if she needed me to do anything to help, to let me know. And I meant that as well.
So that is what is strange to me right now; sometime over the last, what, 6 months or so, there has been something working in me to help me let go of all of this anger I have carried with me. And it hasn’t just been anger about her getting married, it has been a lifetime of shit just piling up. When we were in Idaho Falls last year when my dad was so sick, we all (the four of us) got into this huge, terrible fight; the stress of being there and not knowing what we were doing or how to go about doing it, the stress of the four of us being together and falling back into our old roles…well, some really awful things were said on everyone’s part, and on mine, I was just so fucking angry about everything; where we THEY when X, Y, Z was happening to ME? I was the last one home; all three of my older sisters got the hell out of there as soon as they possibly could and rarely looked back. I didn’t realize until that night that I was angry because they had abandoned me; I was blaming the wrong people for things that were no more their fault than they were mine. The fight was terrible and ugly, but at the same time, it must have done some good. It feels so much better for me to be able to tell my sister that I am happy for her and mean it than to carry anger and resentment around with me. It helps to be able to acknowledge that her life sucked for a really long time, too, and that she deserves just as much love and happiness as I do. Wow, what a novel concept, right? And why is it so heard for me to get to this point?
This sister and I are never going to be close; we weren’t when we were younger (she is 8 years older than me), and I don’t anticipate that changing. We are in two entirely different places in our lives, and we have completely different outlooks on things, and I don’t see that ever really changing. I can say, though, that I have begun to heal, to look at her differently; I have begun to see her without the layers of childhood obscuring her face, and that feels really, really powerful to me.
On a lighter note, I wonder if I could lose 30 pounds and find a really hot date in the next three months? Because even though it is her wedding and all, isn’t it all just a great big competition? There is NO WAY I am going to show up at a wedding dateless, that is for sure!