Running Away Seems Reasonable

I want to not be here today. Not just here in my office, looking out at the crisp, clear day, but just-not here. Not in my skin, not in my house, not in my life. I have just gotten done talking to the kids about how no, we are not, in fact, being “picked on,” but that things happen to lots of people all of the time, and it is just our turn. Finished telling them that even in the midst of great pain and confusion, there is beauty, and that really good things can come of really awful things if we are open to them. However, I am in one of those dark places where I am just not sure I can practice what I preach right now-hence the desire to just not be here. I know that running away solves nothing, so it isn’t an option even were I serious, but of course the appeal is strong.

So I slog on. I fake it with the kids until they believe that somehow things are going to be okay. They believe in me, and yes, I know what a blessing that is, but it is also a burden. I am strong for them, and I don’t let on that I am sick and worried and scared, and I pat them on the back and give them hugs and give them what they need and yet-well. At the end of the day, it’s just me.

Seems like it hasn’t been a very good year for us, doesn’t it?

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15 thoughts on “Running Away Seems Reasonable

  1. Kori- I have been and continue to think about you and yours, and keep hoping that, whatever is going on, things start to look up soon, and that you guys have the strength to pull together and pull through.

  2. Kori, it’s okay to not be strong. It’s okay to cry and rant and wonder about the injustice that is sometimes dealt us. What I admire about you and respect beyond words is that you brush yourself off and you do what needs to be done. You refuse to be a victim and you refuse to let your children believe that when bad things happen they should just throw up their hands and submit to the vagaries of life.I don’t know why you are going through the things that you are. I just hope that soon you get the peace and rest that you so deserve.

  3. I am sorry that 2008 has been so shitty, I wish I lived closer and we could have tea and just help each other in a person to person manner, but just let us know what’s going on when you can and know that we’re here for you!G

  4. While my recent failure is probably nothing compared to what you’re going through given that you described it as horrible, I, in my overreaction, depression and hysteria, know how you feel about not wanting to be in your life. Life is a bitch sometimes, and yeah sometimes it feels like life is a bitch more often than not. But those ugly things seem to take up all our focus. Keep your head up, darlin and remember that even though you may feel weak and like giving up, you are a great mom and a phenomenal woman! Remember that you’ve raised excellent children! and you’ve overcome so much in your life. You’re compassionate, level-headed, and intelligent! you’ve got a lot of stranger-friends out here in the blog land who love you and are thinking good thoughts and praying for you. I hope all that good energy and love reaches you soon!Take care!

  5. I’ve had some of those days lately myself. I’ve been thinking about you and all you have going on, and hoping that things start to get better soon. This HAS been a tough year – I can say probably the hardest year I’ve ever had on my end, let’s look forward to 2009 so we can forget about all this junk!

  6. I’m still praying for you. I hope that it won’t be long before there is no longer a reason to be “sick and worried and scared”. I wish there was something I could do to help.

  7. That’s an understatement– I felt so relieved when I discovered how many people around me were getting by just faking it, too.The best way to smile when you don’t nearly feel like it is to just start doing until you feel so ridiculous you can’t stop. That goes for all facets of life.Good luck getting some better luck, and some peace to go with it.

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