Dear God/Universe/Goddess/Higher Power/Whoever it is that is up there,
Enough already, okay? It has been a really, really hard year, and I need a break. I know that you don’t cause bad things to happen, but instead give us the tools we need to get through them, but I tell you, my tools? Either you sent me faulty ones or I am not using them properly because those fuckers are B.R.O.K.E. I got nothing left;I don’t. And if I am being honest (which I know you will know if I am not) I can’t help but be just the tiniest bit pissed at you right now. So be it.
I just need a little bit of a break, so I am just going to flat out ask you for what I need and trust that you are going to help with some of it.
1. I need to have a lot more strength than I currently have in order to be able to handle the coming weeks and months with regards to the situation with Hannah. I know (and thank you, by the way) that you will provide everything I need in order to make sure Hannah and the other kids are okay, but I worry about the toll it is already taking on me. I feel overhwelmed and crazy and I can’t sleep at night, and I just feel afraid. I need for you to make sure that justice is well and truly served; I read in the paper this morning that a grown man who RAPED his girlfriend’s 10 year old daughter (and impregnanted her) was sentenced to only 5 years. Five.fucking.years. And I worry that The Guy in our case will get off. Please, dude, just take care of this for me, will you? Take care of it so that Hannah will feel vindicated and strong, and so that he can’t get his fat, grubby paws on some other little girl. Please.
2. I need you to give me the balls to tell Janet that I really don’t WANT to go to Thanksgiving with them tomorrow. You know that Steve wants us there for family pictures tomorrow, and you also know that it is signifigant that he wants us there. I know that I am a firm believer in making plans and sticking to them, so I am obligated to follow through and go with R. and J., but I don’t want to. I want to be with ALL of my kids, and with Steve, and I WANT to take family pictures with them. It IS a big thing, but I am such a people pleaser that I just can’t tell Janet no. So if you could help me with that, too, I would be grateful.
3. Dude; the money thing? It is getting more than a little tiresome. How the fuck is $6.33 suppoed to last until Monday? I could totally get it if I were irresponsible and blowing money from hell to breakfast, but really, responsible is about all Iam good at any more. Could you just-well. Ican’t tell you what to do, but there is a certain individual out there called CASEY LIN JONES who is, oh, a whole lot of money behind on child support, so if you could maybe nudge him to cough some of it up, that would help a lot. I am not asking for the lottery; all I am asking for is what I am owed. The constant worry and struggle about money is even worse now knowing that Christmas is coming up, and that I am all out of sick and vacation time and am going to have to be taking time off to get through this whole thing with Hannah. So-help? Please?
4. I am not having any luck finding a home to rent, and I need some help with that, too. We need a four bedroom where we will be able to keep the dogs. Now, I know that I should maybe be a little more flixible about the dogs, but ever since the whole CSG summer (and yeah, thanks a lot for THAT, too!), we feel safe with them and they are such a part of our family now that getting rid of them is only a last ditch option.
5. I am struggling with feeling very much cut adrift right now, and I need to feel cherished and special for a little while. I know how selfsih that sounds, and I guess it IS selfish; as long as the kids feel that way, I should just be grateful, and I am. But I need to feel a little of that, too, so….
So, Big Guy, this is the basics, and if you could help me out with any and all of htese things, Iwould be really, really grateful to you. It has been hard, and I know it will continue to BE hard because life throws shit sometimes, but I just need to get through.