I have in my hand a copy of the Restraining Order against The Bad Man. This was not procured without effort, believe me, beginning with phone calls on Monday and continuing on into today. The first person I talked to this morning accused me of being over dramatic, causing more problems than I was helping, and also said that I really need to look into counseling for my entire family (which, BTW, is on my list of annoyances because the damn counseling people have not yet called me back. They are next on my list of people to call asking what the fuck is going on. Just sayin‘.). Because it just isn’t good for me to be so angry, and that it is not helpful to my family for me to feel like this. Um, yeah. So I am supposed to be all nice and let’s pray for the son-of-a-bitch, right? Because THAT empowers all of us and makes them feel like they are moving forward. Sure. More like “You are supposed to forgive him and pray for good things to happen to him, so just lay down on the floor and be the doormat for everyone in your life.”
I understand about forgiveness, I do, but I am SO not there yet. So any of you remember Terry Anderson, who was a prisoner of war in, I don’t know, the 70’s or something? Some reporter asked him if he had forgiven his captors, and his reply was, “It is commanded by God that I forgive them; it is my bounden duty. and I will forgive them, just not today.” That is basically how I feel. Let’s get through this first, let’s work through all of the legal issues and see him receive some kind of punishment, let’s get our entire family through this immediate crisis, and then we can sit down and talk forgiveness. But not today.
So, we move forward a step at a time. I get to return to both my AA meetings (and I am sure it is petty and wrong, but I almost hope he shows up because now I have the legal stuff to PROVE he can’t be there. I would so love to see them revoke his bail), which is such a relief on SO many levels. Hannah will feel a little safer with a copy in her pocket (so to speak), because then she will have her power back to an extent. The nest thing is getting in touch with the counselor, and that can move forward as well.
And life DOES go on. It has been a really, really strange week for me, this horrible situation counteracted by some of the most amazing things…I can’t say as it evens out, because that negates the seriousness of the situation (and Janet, in her infinite wisdom, has said very haughtily that “Anyone who says this isn’t HUGE should be forced to sit next to Hannah and watch her cry and shake when she sees him.”). It is like, however, God is sitting up there saying, “Okay, I love you, and since I can’t fix this thing with The Bad Man, what I can do is send these people who are going to help you with the other things you need. So you let ME deal with those things, and you concentrate your energy on Hannah and what needs done there.” I have varied daily, hourly, with such swinging emotions, highs and lows, and I just keep getting that same little small voice that says, “Now SHOO; this is My stuff, you go on and worry about that one thing. I got this covered.” Believe me, this a hard one for me to take, but the voice is insistent enough that I keep listening. Imagine that.
So we made it through the concert with no pierced eardrums, although unfortunately none of the kids fell down so that hope was dashed. Steve had taken Owen to look at Christmas lights while we were gone, and then all of us were in bed on time. All in all, it wasn’t as bad as I anticipated-although now Sam has decided he wants to play the violin all through high school. Because, you know, it might culminate in a trip to DISNEYLAND! Funny kid, though hey, if that’s what it takes to keep him interested, great. There is another concert in February-perhaps there will be more action then.