In My Hand I Have….

I have in my hand a copy of the Restraining Order against The Bad Man. This was not procured without effort, believe me, beginning with phone calls on Monday and continuing on into today. The first person I talked to this morning accused me of being over dramatic, causing more problems than I was helping, and also said that I really need to look into counseling for my entire family (which, BTW, is on my list of annoyances because the damn counseling people have not yet called me back. They are next on my list of people to call asking what the fuck is going on. Just sayin‘.). Because it just isn’t good for me to be so angry, and that it is not helpful to my family for me to feel like this. Um, yeah. So I am supposed to be all nice and let’s pray for the son-of-a-bitch, right? Because THAT empowers all of us and makes them feel like they are moving forward. Sure. More like “You are supposed to forgive him and pray for good things to happen to him, so just lay down on the floor and be the doormat for everyone in your life.”


I understand about forgiveness, I do, but I am SO not there yet. So any of you remember Terry Anderson, who was a prisoner of war in, I don’t know, the 70’s or something? Some reporter asked him if he had forgiven his captors, and his reply was, “It is commanded by God that I forgive them; it is my bounden duty. and I will forgive them, just not today.” That is basically how I feel. Let’s get through this first, let’s work through all of the legal issues and see him receive some kind of punishment, let’s get our entire family through this immediate crisis, and then we can sit down and talk forgiveness. But not today.


So, we move forward a step at a time. I get to return to both my AA meetings (and I am sure it is petty and wrong, but I almost hope he shows up because now I have the legal stuff to PROVE he can’t be there. I would so love to see them revoke his bail), which is such a relief on SO many levels. Hannah will feel a little safer with a copy in her pocket (so to speak), because then she will have her power back to an extent. The nest thing is getting in touch with the counselor, and that can move forward as well.


And life DOES go on. It has been a really, really strange week for me, this horrible situation counteracted by some of the most amazing things…I can’t say as it evens out, because that negates the seriousness of the situation (and Janet, in her infinite wisdom, has said very haughtily that “Anyone who says this isn’t HUGE should be forced to sit next to Hannah and watch her cry and shake when she sees him.”). It is like, however, God is sitting up there saying, “Okay, I love you, and since I can’t fix this thing with The Bad Man, what I can do is send these people who are going to help you with the other things you need. So you let ME deal with those things, and you concentrate your energy on Hannah and what needs done there.” I have varied daily, hourly, with such swinging emotions, highs and lows, and I just keep getting that same little small voice that says, “Now SHOO; this is My stuff, you go on and worry about that one thing. I got this covered.” Believe me, this a hard one for me to take, but the voice is insistent enough that I keep listening. Imagine that.

So we made it through the concert with no pierced eardrums, although unfortunately none of the kids fell down so that hope was dashed. Steve had taken Owen to look at Christmas lights while we were gone, and then all of us were in bed on time. All in all, it wasn’t as bad as I anticipated-although now Sam has decided he wants to play the violin all through high school. Because, you know, it might culminate in a trip to DISNEYLAND! Funny kid, though hey, if that’s what it takes to keep him interested, great. There is another concert in February-perhaps there will be more action then.

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23 thoughts on “In My Hand I Have….

  1. I’m so glad you got the restraining order! And that some little things are giving you something good in your life, even if it’s not perfect.

  2. That voice is right, you know. I can’t imagine anyone thinking you’re making more of this than there is. Really, that shocks me. Still, I’m glad you have the order. And I’m glad you’re not worried about forgiveness yet. And I’m more glad that voice is talking to you.

  3. Honey, you are handling this (outwardly anyway) with far more grace than I could manage, I am in awe of you.I’m glad you have the papers in your hand, I had occasion to take out an AVO (Apprehended Violence Order) against someone who treated me badly and I remember only too well the feeling of empowerment when I had the papers in hand that said he could not come near me. As for the fool who suggested you were being a drama queen…I’m shaking my head. I imagine this person deals with people in crisis every day…where is this person’s compassion..??Sending love and continuing to hold you and your family close to my heart…hoping for some gentle, happy family times for you as Christmas approaches.

  4. Congratulations on the restaining order. All the baby steps of justice give a little more peace of mind. Peace be with you K.

  5. People who answer the phone and make assumptions and accusations SUCK @$$! I hate those people. I had one recently and I was like, “LISTEN, LADY…” I’m glad you got around bitchy phone person and got the restraining order!And I’m glad to see you posting daily! (Not that you HAVE to, it’s just good to hear from you everyday and know that life is moving forward.)

  6. I would argue that you do not even have the right to forgive him, since Hannah is the one who was directly wronged. And as for the lazy bum who thinks you should lighten up so her day can feel better, screw her!Glad Sam’s concert went okay.

  7. I’m glad you have the restraining order, that has to be a great level of relief. I also can’t imagine anyone accusing you of over-reacting. From what you’ve told us, you have been amazingly calm. Forgiveness is a good thing, but yes, NOT TODAY.

  8. Making too much of it?Punch them in the throat next time, bloody cheek.moves in mysterious ways, as was once said. By Bono.

  9. If it was me I would be “speaking” to that person’s supervisor.They clearly didn’t need to be answering the phone this morning. I’m with you – I hope he does show up to the AA meeting and gets himself thrown back in jail where he belongs.

  10. psht…you’ve got plenty of time to forgive. no need to worry about that. glad to see you got your restraining order, you’re on your way girl!

  11. So glad that you have the restraining order and that the concert went well and that life is slowly going in a positive direction. One day at a time and thank you for keeping us posted and take care of yourself.xo G

  12. Hi……… Absolutely fantastic post! Good job!Great! Keep writing…….Good week……… You are Welcomed to my blog…….Wishing you in advance “A Merry X’Mas and A Happy New Year”

  13. I am glad you have the order. Let’s actually hope you never need to use it. Keep it up, you are doing an amazing job. Hannah as well. Big hugs to all.

  14. Amazing that a little peice of paper can give you a such sense of power. Its great and sad at the same time. I’m glad there’s something out there protecting you (on many levels). I’m glad your little violinist is so inspired.

  15. Yeaaaaaa! i am so glad things are turning around a bit now, sweetie! I will keep my fingers crossed and say a prayer for you and Hannah!

  16. Nah, no need to rush things, nobody says it has to be done today.Stepping back, though, and looking at things in the overall, the trend is definitely upward, I’d say. Too bad it’s never at the pace we want, right?

  17. The first person I talked to this morning accused me of being over dramatic, causing more problems than I was helping, and also said that I really need to look into counseling for my entire family…Please tell me you channeled your inner bitch and screeched, “Oh no you din’t!” at ear splitting decibel. Hell, I’ve had practice. Give the number and I’ll do it for you.I can believe the lack of compassion and support coming your way from the people who are supposed to protect you. I am glad that you are feeling empowered right now. But you know, and we all know, that YOU have been empowered all along. You are a powerful force, woman. But as they say, More Power to You.

  18. And I was JUST saying to someone that people throw the phrase “drama queen” around without any consideration for the people who have genuine crises going on in their lives! Over dramatic, my ass. Like you don’t have reason? Kori, I tried to post several days ago but for some reason it wouldn’t let me but I just wanted to say a belated Happy Birthday to Hannah. Keep on keepin’ on. . .and niceness is not a virtue.

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