Waiting for Grace

I find it ironic that The Geekhiker left a comment on may last post asking when I sleep, or something to that effect. I did not sleep well at all last night, at first unable to get to sleep and then what sleep I had was broken up by strange, vivid dreams that I can’t quite remember this morning. I don’t know if the entire house was picking up on my restlessness or vice versa, but it did not seem like there was a time through the night when all of us were asleep at the same time. Sam was having a nightmare, crying loudly in his sleep; he did not wake up, but he woke Hannah up, who could not go back to sleep until the dogs stopped pacing, at which point Owen got up and decided it was time to play, which woke Eli up and made him angry…so went the night.

It has not been the best series of days, and I feel yet another depression coming on. I guess it is progress in that at least I can be aware that it is coming and take certain steps to batten down the hatches, so to speak, but there seems to be nothing I can do to STOP it from coming. I even know what is causing it, but I can’t change that either. I cannot change the way that it keeps coming back to the fact that nothing really changes. There are the same problems with Steve where HE gets confused and therefore has decided that instead of trying to figure out why he is confused, he totally cuts off all meaningful contact. There are the same problems with money, the same problems with mothers pitting themselves against one another, the same problems in that we single mothers are being dragged through the press and the cause of all crime in the nation….and I am right back to where I was a few months ago wondering why I even keep trying to make a difference. Why I keep trying so hard to just love people, to be present, to try to love them where they are instead of where I want them to be.

One of the many books I have been reading is about this Universal Unitarian minister (not one of the books I was reading before, I am done with all but one of them and have begun a new batch), and I have to say that what they believe follows along pretty much what I believe, or vice versa. Which is comforting in that there is actually name for it other than “liberal tree hugging man hating lesbian bitch who is going to hell because she believes that gay marriage is okeydokey and there is no reason why a woman shouldn’t be able to have an abortion.” For one thing, it sounds much nicer, and rolls off the tongue much more smoothly. Anyway, one of the main things that this particular minister believes is what I believe, that when we die, we just die. Maybe we are wrong and there is this wonderful afterlife full of partying at Jebus‘ feet, or maybe we are reincarnated, or maybe there really is a heaven and a hell and limbo and all of that. But for me, I just think we get buried and we rot in the ground. That’s it. What that has to do with my depression is that I am 37 years old, and I am going to rot and the bugs are going to eat my eyes out and what will I have to show for it? Because nothing.fucking.changes.

*****I just realized something when I came in to fix a spelling error I noticed. I am not, in fact, 37, I am only 36. I am not sure if that makes me feel better because I am younger than I thought, or worse because I am clearly losing my mind. Whatever.*****

I don’t know. I am just in a pissy mood, I don’t know what direction I am supposed to take now, and I can’t even see the next fucking step. I am not good at waiting, and I am tired of feeling like I have no SAY in what happens. Not in the sense of being a victim, I don’t mean that-I have options, always, but I am just tired of feeling like it has to be so fucking HARD all of the time. So-that is where I am at again today. If I keep getting up in the mornings, keep showing up and doing the work, grace will arrive. It always does. But for now, I am just confused and sad and I don’t even have the energy to be angry.

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17 thoughts on “Waiting for Grace

  1. Well, from my perspective, you have four things to show for it. Despite everything, your kids are going to turn out great. And that’s what it’s all about, right?

  2. I know you’re depressed and all, but your paragraph about the unitarian minister cracked me UP!You know I totally get this. All I can say is I love you.

  3. When I read what you write, even if its somewhat depressing, I feel some sort of relief to know that I’m not the only person in this world who struggles. Not that I want you to struggle I really truely hope that everything will go a million times better for both of us! So thank you for sharing!

  4. I am so sorry Kori…I think if you just ride it out…it will pass…I mean the depression! But if it doesn’t…it’s okay to go see a Doctor! You have been through a lot…I believe too in most of what you said but I do believe there is a next step…don’t know where but the journey does not end! Sending love!

  5. You are a beautiful, shining star. I would never be able to carry all your burdens with such grace. I agree with Melissa- you have four beautiful children to show for your efforts. Don’t be afraid to be a little selfish and do whatever you need to to get through this time- you deserve it.

  6. I hear you on this one! You are not alone – sometimes I just get sick and damn tired of everything. Keep waiting and watching though – grace always arrives.hugs to you

  7. Ride it out, all you can do. You know by now that it will come good again out the other side, just a matter of time.Ride ’em cowboy.

  8. I have an old friend who was always so happy an even she is trying to do things to take her mind off of an impending depression b/c of the state of things today. That feeling closing in like you said because nothing changes.I do not think you are alone in feeling this way. And I also think that in the end you will have made a difference. I am also sending many healing thoughts your way.

  9. Great…I just sent you an email, dumping out all my personal shit on you, then come here and read you are deep into your own. I am sorry. Call me crazy, but here is what I am thinking. I heard a whole lot of powerlessness in your post. Could it be coming to the front because of the impending date and Hannah’s situation? You would only be human to be acknowledging on some level how you have such little control over the things that matter most in your life. That, I know, is frightening. Oh, and when I saw you type out all the chidren’s names, I thought next time I could just ask:”How are the SHOES(s)?” (That’s me noticing that their initials make up a word.)

  10. Weird. I had funky dreams last night too.As for depression, I know it runs in my family, on my Mom’s side. For me knowing that actually helps a bit because I know that maybe that’s just how my brain is wired, to some degree.Hopefully for you this is just a phase that you will move through quickly. After all, you’re doing better than you think. Just look at all the nice things those above me wrote about you!

  11. I didn’t sleep for crap last night either. Stupid insulin pump alarms went off all night. Hope you can rally to get beyond this funk! Go team!

  12. I could leave some quirky comment or say ‘it will all be ok’ because in the end, it is always ok somehow (maybe because we know it could always be worse therefore we are better???) but I won’t because I’ve been there, watching the depression come and drag me down, unable to stop it. I wish I had an answer, but I do not, so instead I will listen and tell you, you are not alone and sometimes getting it off your chest helps come out of it easier.*hugs*~K

  13. I definitely believe in an afterlife, mostly because this world just doesn’t deal a very good hand to most people. I think this has to be only a small piece of a much bigger plan, just like our Earth is a miniscule speck in the universe. It doesn’t make sense to me that we would live and die and that’s the end. I’m sorry you had one of those crappy nights. I hate them. On a light note, Andy started waking up last night AGAIN, and I heard him squirming around and then he called out, “Aaahhh, Mommy!” I was all set to be mad again when suddenly he farted REALLY loud, and then said, “Never mind” and went back to sleep. I started laughing but had to smother it so I wouldn’t wake everyone else up. It was too funny!

  14. You just summed up why I like the movie Sherrybaby so much, because it really shows that Life is so much harder than it should be, and being a single parent makes it THAT MUCH HARDER.Its ok to feel like that, girl.

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