Still Waiting

Sigh….still waiting for that elusive grace….

And in the meantime, we got served new subpoenas last night and the trial date has been postponed until April 8-9. I don’t know why yet, because it is only 8:30 here and the Prosecutor’s office doesn’t open until 9:00. I did leave a message but they don’t return calls in a timely manner so I am not expecting any kind of an answer today.

This really messes things up. As afraid and upset as we have been about the upcoming trial, at least we knew it would be over for the most part at that time. It would be a bit of resolution, anyway, which is no small thing. Now, we have three more months of living like this, feeling sick and afraid and anxious, while CF gets to roam around free with not a care in the world. Three more months for the details to become less fresh in Hannah’s mind, which improves their chances of getting him off. Three more months of living in some curious state of limbo, unable to ignore this huge, hulking thing hovering over us, yet having no choice but to keep moving forward as best as we can.

This also mean three more months of no help for Hannah, as the counselor will not get into any of the “real” work until after the trial. She and I already discussed this when we were there last week, which I posted about, but she really can’t even talk to Hannah about “The Incident” because she can be accused of tainting Hannah’s testimony. It fucking sucks ass hard that as a parent, I have to choose: I have to decide whether or not I am going to get Hannah the help she needs, which is obviously THE top priority, or whether I am going to make sure that son of a bitch gets what he deserves. I can see now why so many times these kinds of cases get dropped; it isn’t due to lack of evidence, it is maybe because the parents get too tired of their kids hurting. When Hannah and I got our papers last night, she just went into her room and sobbed for a really long time; ” I just want my life back,” she said. “I am tired of being afraid!” Me too, baby, me too.

Oh. And get this. Remember how the preliminary hearing was on Hannah’s birthday? The first day of the trial is on Eli’s.

I am just too tired and discouraged today to get angry, to rail against how unjust this all is, to go off about how the criminals have more rights and freedoms than the victims do. It is there, but it once-removed, and I just can’t get up the motivation to even give a fuck at this point, because like I said yesterday, it isn’t going to change anything.

Of course, it doesn’t help anything that there is all of this other personal shit going on at home, either. Suddenly not having a support person in Steve has made it worse, and there are things going on other people’s lives as well, so I am just feeling very much alone in this right now. I went to the AA meeting on Monday but of course I can’t TALK about this…and I really don’t feel comfortable there right now anyway. Too many people know both CF and I, and I feel like I am walking on eggshells all of the time. Still, I make myself go, if only so that I have people who will hold me accountable for my actions, and honestly, so my recovery will at least be something CF can’t take from me. I feel very lonely and isolated, which is not a good place for an alcoholic to be.

Seems like grace is taking a long time to show up.

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22 thoughts on “Still Waiting

  1. Well, shit. That just completely sucks.You have a lot of people out here cheering you on and supporting you and believing in you.May that give you some small measure of comfort today my friend.

  2. Don’t feel lonely.I can lend an ear whenever you need one.And don’t worry. I’m sure your grace will show up at the EXACT time you need it most.

  3. Man, the “justice system” sucks ass. I’m so sorry you have to go through all of this. As always, you guys are in my prayers.Thanks for your advice on my harasser situation. You’re so right, Mom. 🙂

  4. I’m so sorry things are turning out this way. Hopefully the prosecutor will be able to help you decide what to do in this situation. You definitely need to find someone to talk to- a counselor or just a friend who is good at listening, and doesn’t judge. Make sure that as you support Hannah, you also find support for yourself. I’m so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug.

  5. I feel you. Its the waiting in fear thats the worst. Resolution will come soon. We’re here to help you keep your sanity/sobriety until then.

  6. I’m sorry to hear things aren’t working out for you right now. Sometimes it just feels like we’re going through the motions. Although it’s not quick enough the trial will come and then the healing can begin for Hannah.This does suck. Sending even more hugs your way

  7. This really does suck! Especially that Hannah can’t get the counseling she needs because of the postponements. You probably already thought of this, but one way to help her keep the details straight, she might try writing about what happened. I know blogging helps me to sort out my thoughts. That way she can include details, how she was feeling, things that were said, and then refer back. Just a thought.

  8. Not many things make me cry anymore. Desensitized a bit maybe. Your post did. I am so fucking sorry. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. How many shades of wrong are there? Grace is here. It is within us. I have to believe that. Sometimes, the other things are just bigger. They will settle. Those bigger things. To allow grace to triumph again. They have to. So fucking wrong. Hannah…sweet Hannah. Forced to play in a adult’s world by the hand of some sick….gonna stop there. My heart is with you.

  9. Is there a support group that Hannah can go to? Is there one for you? That might help tide both of you over until this thing goes to trial. I don’t know if it would taint her testimony in any way so you might want to ask the therapist about that.It sucks that he’s walking free and living his life as if nothing happened. I truly, truly hopes that he gets his.

  10. I cannot believe that this is how the system works. That you can’t get Hannah help because it could “taint” her testimony. That’s just unbelievable bull shit. You are SO not alone. Look at all these people in the comments offering a shoulder to lean on. Seriously.

  11. What a bummer. My husband took legal action last year on a business issue, and the way our legal system works, it feels like you get victimized twice – the first time of course and then again by the whole legal process. It’s better than no legal system at all, but it never is fair and absolutely never makes up for the original crime.Oh, and I always tell myself that grace shines the brightest when you’re the most down and out – this really could be grace’s finest hour. Just keep hanging on. You and your miss are in my prayers…

  12. I’m so mad I could just spit. I’m so sorry that all this is happening. But like the other commenters said, you have a lot of cheerleaders and people here for you. I wish I could give grace a call and tell her to hurry her ass up.

  13. Hang in there Kori, take it one day at a time. The court processes suck ass, and sometimes I swear they look for ways to get people off. And yet, the simple fact is, the prosecutors are in that job for justice, and they will fight damn hard for the case if not for the victim. You and Hannah have tons of supporters, and we;re all rooting for you.

  14. What a bunch of crap! There has got to be some other way. Could Hannah do a video-taped testimony now, detailing what happened with the prosecuter asking all of his questions at that time? I’m sure that would be rough, but no rougher than having to do it in court in front of everybody. What about writing it out, either as testimony or just for the sake of release, like Tara R. mentioned? My husband and I went through a lawsuit and all of its hold-ups and mind f*cks and feeling like we’d been victimized twice, like MoziEsme said, and ours was just a stupid business deal. I can’t imagine what you guys are going through. Hang in there.

  15. Hey, by the way, aren’t you ready to move to NM? It’s a lot warmer, I know lots of people, lots of programs, lots of ways to get on your feet. I did it, you have me here, we could get you through it too :)!

  16. That is so rotten. I know that cases get postponed all of the time, but I never thought about how that might contribute to them being dropped or less effective. Gaaaahhhhh! You and Hannah are both in my thoughts and prayers. In fact, I think I’ll pray for something dreadful to happen to CF, so that you can just move on with your lives and forget all this crap.

  17. So awful you have to wait that long, and what an evil coincidence of days. On a lighter note, my mother used to tell herself she was one year older than she actually was all year long so that when someone pointed out she was only 36, for example, she’d be “surprised” and get the benefit of being one year younger. Don’t ask me. You hang in. I think your comments about why some people just drop these things are mighty perceptive.

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