Knowledge is Power-Even if it Sucks

I am feeling better today in that I am not so damned discouraged at the moment. For one thing, I was able to talk to S. from the prosecutor’s office yesterday afternoon, and that helped. Not that it changed anything, but at least I know more what is going on. The reason they postponed the trial was because the defense wasn’t ready (read: CF isn’t yet ready to be assfucked by the general prison population), and the next available court opening was the one we got. For those of you who think living in a small town means a lower crime rate, think again. Also, the prosecutor is not backing down, but instead is going to use this time to try to make CF’s prior conviction admissible in the trail itself as opposed to waiting for sentencing. S. was going to talk to the prosecutor about whether or not Hannah should be “allowed” to keep going to counseling, which is still fucked up in my mind, but at least she is aware and will, with hope, make the P. aware that Hannah is not, in fact, doing very well. None of us are, really, and I think it is important that he knows that.

Several of you had good suggestions yesterday for Hannah, and I want to tell you thank you. Hannah and I had already discussed her writing down all that she could remember, shortly after it happened, not so much so she would be clear on details (keep in mind that we initially thought it was going to be over far sooner than it is) but so she could have way to process everything. Writing for me is therapy in many ways, and my hope was that it would be for her as well. So we do have that, or rather she does, in her journal. Also, her initial interview was videotaped, and my guess is that she will have the opportunity to review that as well before she goes on the stand.

It isn’t that anything has changed, and I don’t feel anywhere near PEACEFUL and “okay” with everything exactly the way it is, but I do feel better, and that is no small thing. I do know that when I have the bad days, they will end and there are good days ahead, and that is also no small thing. It is a matter of time, always, before things DO change; maybe not in terms of the outside world or the things that happen, but inside, where it really matters. I am grateful to be able to see that, to be less sure that every dark, despairing day is going to last forever. Instead, it is more a matter of riding it out until it lessens.

There are also, as always, other things going on in my life which are wholly good. Like the fact that I got accepted as a contributor to the Rocky Mountain Moms Blog, which is just too coll for words. Now if I can just figure out what to write, we’ll be in business. I also got my BlogHer ads up and running, and while it isn’t going to make a dent so far as additional income goes, I still feel like one of the popular girls in school. Minus the blond hair and nice rack and cheerleader costume, that is. I have been writing, writing, writing, and hope to have my first article sent to the people whom I have coerced into being readers by next week…so life moves forward, whether there are days when I really feel stuck.

I have to sound like a total Mommy blogger here for a second, too. Owen has been so, so delicious the last few days that had I unlimited income, I would beg Steve on my hands and knees to have sex with me just long enough to give me another baby. He is funny, and suddenly dressing himself (oddly, but still by himself), and saying all of these crazy things like “I tell mommy on you!” when he is angry, or better yet, running into the kitchen or laundry room, plopping down on the floor and crossing his arms saying, “I be MAD.” And then he turns around and says the sweetest things in the world, like our morning/evening conversations at daycare. “You come pick up me? In you car? And go home?” Yes, of course, mommy will always come pick you up in her car and take you home. “Mommy! You pick me up! In you car! We go home!” Yes, Owen, and why do I pick you up? “You yuv me.” So you see, even when I am in the depths of despair, I really have it quite good, don’t I?

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22 thoughts on “Knowledge is Power-Even if it Sucks

  1. Awww. I LOVE it when mom’s talk so fondly of their children (not that this is the first time you have) because I don’t feel like my mom ever said those kinds of things about me when I was a kid.Ugh. I hope that telling the courts that Hannah can’t get deep into therapy will push them along. It really is soul-less of them to allow this to drag on. I didn’t read all of yesterdays comments yet, but in case it hasn’t been said, I’d encourage Hannah to not only write down the facts, but also her feelings. Re-reading those before the trial will stir up those feelings again so it’s not muted in the trial. Although now that I write that… maybe it’s not a good idea for her to feel those feelings again… Tough call.

  2. Representing the LA Moms Blog (because I got here before April did, although she probably knows already), welcome to the SVMG family – it’s great that you’re joining the Rocky Mountain Moms Blog! I’m glad that’s a bright spot right now. One day at a time, you know…

  3. I am glad you are feeling a little better about things…I am 50 years old and I still want babies…How sad is that?

  4. I hope Hannah will be able to continue therapy. I’d hate to think the prosecutor or defense attorney would deny her that when she needs it. Owen is adorable. We all ‘yuv” you too.

  5. Awww, he’s a sweetie. Hunter’s getting himself quite a little attitude these days, and potty-training is making it even worse. Lol. I hope Hannah can get some therapy, but you probably know already that counseling is not going to fix anything. It just helps the healing process – sometimes. Depending mostly on how YOU handle it, and so far you are doing a bang-up job. But it won’t be a cure. Hugs to both of you.

  6. Hang in there – I’m praying for you. Kids on the other hand, they do have a way of being the silver lining to a very dark cloud!:)~K

  7. Little Owen sounds so cute–Pickle is in a similar phase right now where everything she says/does is just adorable. And I know what you mean about wanting another one…Hang in there w/ all that crap going on–it sounds like you’ve got a great attitude!And congrats on that writing gig!

  8. That’s great to hear that some things are looking up. Congrats on writing for the Rocky Mountain Moms Blog. Writing makes great therapy. Hopefully Hannah can kep up her journal writing and therapy once all of this is over.As for Owen, that is so cute. Gives me something to look forward to. I’m with Julie on the whole mom thing. All my mom talked about was how many hours she was in labor with us. I vow not to do that to my son unless he asks.

  9. I’m so glad that Owen is being extra cute during such a trying time. What a wonderful bright spot in your life. And CF should be scared. From what I hear, prisoners especially don’t take kindly to anything involving kids. Hopefully you’ll be able to speed up the trial for Hannah’s sake, or at least get her the therapy she so needs.

  10. *sniff sniff*Awwwww Owen!! You know that we are pretty close with L to where you are with Owen, and I LOVE to hear sweet little toddler stories…"I be MAD" LMAO!! I am so glad to hear you in a *little* better place today, Kori…It's good to hear you say that even though the bad days SUCK ASS, you DO know that they will pass. That's what trudging through it is all about. That is HUGE progress. And HUGE strength…But even in the short time I have 'known' you, there has been no question in my mind of your strength :0)I heart you, Kori. Continued P&PT to you and yours.

  11. *sniff sniff*Awwwww Owen!! You know that we are pretty close with L to where you are with Owen, and I LOVE to hear sweet little toddler stories…"I be MAD" LMAO!! I am so glad to hear you in a *little* better place today, Kori…It's good to hear you say that even though the bad days SUCK ASS, you DO know that they will pass. That's what trudging through it is all about. That is HUGE progress. And HUGE strength…But even in the short time I have 'known' you, there has been no question in my mind of your strength :0)I heart you, Kori. Continued P&PT to you and yours.

  12. Something to make you smile, I asked Owen this morning “Are you my Owen?” He said “No I Mommys Owa, Eli’s Owa, Hannah’s Owa, Yammo’s Owa”. I said “I know you are sweetie, but I love you too”, he said “My Mommy come for Owa toon?” lol He is being quite the sweetie!!! Thought I would make you smile!

  13. I could eat Owen up. Adorable.I am glad you can see there are good days mixed with the bad. I think that’s progress. Even if it’s just baby steps, it’s a step in the right direction.

  14. I’m so glad you and Hannah are doing so well with all of this going on. You’re such a strong, wonderful woman and mother. I can’t even imagine being in your shoes, but you are just doing an awesome job and I hope you know that. The two of you are in my thoughts.

  15. Kori I am in agreement with Hanna that I heart you and this post is great…so much in it…I will congratulate you on your writing and thank you, your blog is always something I learn from and reflect on.

  16. Oh, sweet, sweet Owen. And this . . . “Minus the blond hair and nice rack and cheerleader costume.” Totally me. Except some might say I had a nice rack . . . then I decided to breastfeed. Let’s just say my rack is a little droopy. Thinking positive thoughts! I’m going back to read to catch up. That’s all I seem to do with blogs nowadays. That’s OK. It is totally worth it.

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