Update on My Girl

I wanted to give you all at least an update on Hannah. I just called and she is doing okay. God, it is so much more complicated than that, so many different layers to that one simple word, “okay.” In this case, what that means is that she is where she needs to be, and she is safe. I had a meeting, actually WE had a short therapy session yesterday before I headed home, with her and her therapist and myself, to go over what led to her being admitted to the BHC, what our short term goals are as well as a few long-term ones. It was-I don’t know. GOOD is not the right word, but necessary anyway, and terribly difficult.

At this point, the whole situation is very much on a day-to-day basis. When they tell me she had a good night, that means something entirely different than a good night for one of us, and that concept is hard to get my mind around. She is still being very closely watched, considered still at high-risk for a suicide attempt, so for the moment, a good night means she didn’t. The general consensus is that the poor sweet girl has been hanging on by her fingernails for a very long time, and she just couldn’t do it any longer. It has been (and these are not her words, but mine, based on the conversations I have had with the billions and three-it seems that way anyway-people with whom I have spoken the last 48 hours) all she has been able to do to get up and get dressed and maintain. Here, she doesn’t have to do that any longer. They are at the moment focusing on the most basic things: sleeping, eating correctly, and personal hygiene. That’s it. She has no option BUT to eat, though of course she isn’t required to eat everything. After observing her the first night and talking to me about her sleeping patterns at home, the decision was made (and I agreed) to put her on a mood stabilizer/sleeping aid combo, and last night she took that for the first time. She HAS to get up every morning and take a shower. There is a lot of structure and very little free time, and I think that is good as well.

There are a thousand things I want to write about, need to write about, but I just can’t right now. There are balls in the air and a level of uncertainty that I am not comfortable with but HAVE to be this way. My daughter is a very long way away and I can’t be with her or see her, and I hate that-but she is requiring at this point a level of care that I cannot provide for her, even if you removed the other kids and the job from the equation. She needs 24 hour monitoring, 24 hour care, and I just am not equipped to do that for her. I understand all of that, I truly do, and there is much to be grateful for even in the midst of this-I can’t even write about that right now.

I will say that I have made a lot of painful decisions in my life thus far. I have been through some tough stuff, as have my kids. To date, the most difficult, painful thing I have ever experienced has been this: I had to pry her arms from around my neck and forcefully push her toward these people who will help her stay alive when she so badly does not want to. I had to listen to her cry and beg me to please not leave her there, and I had to turn around and walk out. I think of that, and I just can’t write anything else.

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32 thoughts on “Update on My Girl

  1. As difficult as it was for you to leave, you had to — for her. This is something you cannot help her with. You can be her support and cheerleader but she has to do the hard part. And she will. And she will also learn how to understand what she’s feeling, what she’s thinking, and what to do about it if she ever feels that way again (and I hope she doesn’t).That being said, hugs to you and your entire family. You have so much to deal with and so much going on. Stay strong. We’re all here for you.

  2. My heart aches for you but know this is the best thing. My mother tried killing herself this past May. My sister & I were left to make a decision to let her leave the hospital & go home to either do it again or reschedule our lives to be on watch/care for 24 hours or to admit her. I was all for admission but my sister wasn't. And being my mother was an adult she couldn't be admitted unless the Dr felt it was 100% necessary or she agreed. She didn't agree of course & I was left to MAKE the Dr. admit her as she is screaming/crying/fighting to get out of the hospital.Hard- yes.But oh so worth it.It took her a few days to realize she needed help & was at the best place for it.

  3. I can’t say anything to make this easier or better than you, but what I do know is you have done the right thing for her and you have done it from a place of love and caring. And that’s exactly what she needs right now. Take heart from all our comments encouraging you. Big hugs.

  4. As hard as it was, your last paragraph said it all. You had to do it, and she is getting the help she needs. My thoughts are with you all during this. Although I have only been around a short while, you both are very strong and like the others said she will be grateful later.

  5. I couldn’t imagine that even if I wanted to. I’m so sorry for you, but I’m REALLY glad she’s in the right place. She will be, too.

  6. Oh honey, I ache FOR you. Bless your heart! I am praying for you and Hannah both and I cannot imagine being in your shoes right now.I remember how hard it was when my girls were little and I had to peel them off of me to leave them at school. I simply can’t imagine how it must have hurt you to do that with a teenager. God bless you and Hannah.

  7. Oh my.I can’t wrap my brain around this. I don’t know how you move forward, I’m glad I get to take the journey with you.

  8. I am so very sorry…my heart breaks for both of you…I know it sounds like so little but I will keep praying! Sending love to both of you!

  9. I get it girlfriend, I do. Like I told you, I’ve left my son in two different psych hospitals AND in the middle of the desert. We do it because we love them. There are parents out there who wouldn’t. I know you know this, I am just saying it so you can hear it again. No matter what Hannah says, I believe with all of me that she is grateful to have some safe structure to push up against. She knows she is out of control and that is a scary place for anyone to be, much less a young girl. Is there anything we can do? Remember to breathe Kori. It will make everything else possible. And document. Every call, every meeting. Documentation may become your new best friend. You have my number. 24/7. I am here.

  10. Oh Kori – I’m so sorry. Hugs and prayers for both of you. It is so hard to do the “right” thing with our kids some times when the interim process is incredibly painful.

  11. I am so sorry and wish there was something I could say to ease the pain you feel….I know its hard but it’s the right thing to do – you love her and this will help. It will get better…*hugs*~K

  12. Kori, so much pain, and I can’t even find the words to offer comfort. The only thing I can say is as much as it hurt to push her away, you did what had to be done in her best interest. She needs the care, and you love her enough to make sure she gets it. That’s what makes you a wonderful mom, and an incredible person.

  13. whoa. Did you post something between Monday and today that I missed? This post makes me feel like I’m missing something. I’m so sorry for the pain you’re in right now. My heart breaks for you and Hannah. You and the kids are in my prayers. Love to you!!

  14. Everyone else has pretty much said it, but I’ll throw my {hug} in there. Hang in there; Hannah needs you to be strong for her right now.

  15. I know this can’t be easy. I can’t imagine the amount of love and courage it takes to do what you had to do . . . for her. So many times parents choose the easy way . . . but it is really only “easy” for them. She’s going to get through this . . .especially if she has one ounce the courage you have.

  16. Oh Kori, my heart aches for both of you. If there is any way I can help or offer support please let me know. It sounds like, as difficult as it may be, you have made the best decision for all of you. *hugz*

  17. My heart goes out to you all! Rich and I had a term when we were first dating of if one of us asked if the other was okay, the other might say, “I’m ok. Little o, little k.” It meant we were surviving, but weren’t very stoked about the situation. :)Sometimes little o little k is enough.

  18. Wow… I didn’t realize what was going on. Kori, you and Hannah are in my prayers. I know this is difficult, but she is getting the help she needs. Hugs for everyone.

  19. Oh Kori, you are so strong and have such a good head. I am praying for you both. I just don’t know what to say, my heart weeps for you. I am sure there is so much more to the story and I sure understand you cannot get it all out now. I hope you all come through this experience better for it. Hugs to you both. xoxo

  20. I can’t beleive you’ve survived this much heartbreak. You don’t deserve it. Hannah doesn’t deserve it. I’m so sorry this is happening. I wish I were closer so I could do something more than ache for everything you’ve been through. I’ll keep sending happy thoughts.

  21. Can’t imagine how you ever got the strength to do this but somehow you did, and my hat’s off to you. If I’m ever in this position, I’ll be taking a page from your book. Thank goodness she is safe.

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