I am thrilled; this post was just picked to go to syndication on March 30th. This is the second time one of my posts has been chosen, and it is incredibly exciting. Of course, I will add here that it might perhaps be simply a lack of other options; posts have been slim over there at the Rocky Mountain Moms Blog, so maybe I was the best one out of, oh, three. No matter; it is still very exciting for me, the very barest beginnings of what I would LIKE to be my career. If any of you run across this in your print newspapers, please cut it out and send it to me.
It has been a rather interesting week on a lot of different levels. First, of course, there was the funeral for my friend, which brought up a lot of conflicting emotions. While I thank you all for your condolences, I want to reiterate that while he was my friend, we hadn’t spoken in a very long time due to his addictions, so I am not deeply grieving on a personal, I lost-a-great-friend level. Instead, it is a much more generalized grief; sadness for a life wasted, for two children who no longer have a father, for a wife who can no longer hold out any hopes that he will find a way to pull himself out of the pit. It is grief for a mom who has tried her hardest to help a son who didn’t want help, and for the grief she feels at finally losing someone who has been in the process of killing himself for years while she had to sit back and let it happen. It sucks-I am not saying that it doesn’t; but I am okay, and while I am sad, it isn’t a debilitating, life-altering sadness. I don’t mean to sound COLD, but I probably do.
Speaking of COLD, my boss and I ended up having a deep discussion a couple of evenings ago that started out simply enough but ended with me in tears, feeling as if I had just gone through a particularly strenuous therapy session. Before I go any further, please know that my boss is nothing if not unfailing kind and caring; his words, no matter how they might sound on paper, were said with love and kindness. We were talking about how I feel completely inept at this parenting gig, how I don’t know how to approach this having a teenaged daughter era because I have no good example to fall back on, blah blah blah…and it progressed to him telling me that I am very guarded to my own detriment, that I am way too hard on myself, and that he feels like I am on the brink of something really big in my life, I just need to get out of my own way. And you know, it hurt my feelings, and it upset me a little bit, and it has been on my mind ever since; this emotional response to his words indicates to me that his words were accurate, or I would have just mentally shrugged my shoulders and moved on.
I have been thinking about this a lot. I even had to look up the word “guarded,” because hey, I thought that was a good thing, you know? It isn’t. The adjectives used are “cautious, suspicious, non-committal, wary, cagey, leery…” Those are not words I want to ascribe to myself, yet I look at them in black and white and know them to be true. My boss said this, and I agree, that there are legitimate reasons I have become so guarded; I have had to learn to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself, I have learned to not give away too much of myself to any one person. If I give too much away, I am much more likely to be hurt.
***This paragraph deleted, so sorry if this no longer makes sense***
The thing is, though I recognize this as a problem, I don’t know what to do about it, and to be 100% honest here in the old blog, I don’t know that I WANT to do anything about it. By that I mean that I know that not all people are untrustworthy. I also know that part of being in a relationship-with anyone-means that there WILL be hurt feelings and misunderstandings and even anger and upset. I get that, I really do. But for me, if holding myself back from people is how I can make it through without being terribly hurt again, well, yes, it might be worth it. You all know a LOT about me through these many, many pages, especially if you have been reading them for any length of time. However, what you know is really only a small fraction of my life and who I am, and please just trust me when I say that I do not know how much more heartbreak I can handle.
This is all just food for thought for me, something to mull over and process in the back of my mind in the coming days and weeks and months. There is always internal healing work to be done, and maybe this is my next step; I don’t know. I do know that if I leave it there and let it percolate, if I take time for quiet and reflection and listening, I will get an answer as to what I am supposed to do next.
There were a few other things that I wanted to write about today, especially the conversation witt the prosecuting attorney yesterday regarding the upcoming trial, but I have already been long winded enough, I think, and will have to save it for tomorrow. For now, I am simply going to attend to my work, revel in the sunlight shining through the window, and try to keep an open mind and heart.