Moving On and Photos

Moving on, I am over my depression of yesterday simply because there is nothing I can do about it. As I have said before, we all KNEW he wouldn’t remain in jail, so it isn’t as if I was surprised. I comforted myself last night by the mental image of CF having to go to work yesterday knowing that his face has been all over the news, and I got a chuckle or ten out of that one. This IS a small town/tri-town area, and yeah, people are going to know him now. Worth it, wouldn’t you say? I have this secret hope, one so unlikely to come true that I am afraid to say it out loud-and the media coverage might help. So-upward and onward, right? When I told Hannah last night, she is SO much my daughter that she said, “Are you fucking kidding me?” And then was mortified that she actually SAID that in front of me. Normally I would chastise her for it; I allow them to say the more “mild” swears in front of me, but not the bad ones (and I actually try to do the same at home, FYI). However, her response was SO unexpected and funny (but not) that all I could so was laugh. We have weathered this little bump in the road and will go on from here.

The above photos are from my birthday and the weekend combined. Thank you, too, for all of the lovely greeting and cards and well-wishes both on mine and April’s blogs. Also, thank you to April herself, and Freedom First for the e-gift certificates. I have already used them both, and did not buy a single thing for the kids. Thank you, again.

Another of my great friends, The Goth Mom, has generously offered me some of her web space, so I will soon be making the move to WordPress. I will of course let you know, and don’t hold your breath-it is still very confusing and while I am having a lot of fun messing with it, I am in no way ready to make the big move. However, that is in the works. I am also planning a giveaway in the next few weeks (hard to believe, I know…), so look for that as well.

I will have you all know, though, that for all the deep breaths and the calming/centering exercises and practicing compassion (though I haven’t even gotten close to feeling any compassion for CF!) I have been doing, I am pretty sure I will be ready to move into an Ashram within the next few months. Damn it, I even just ordered some goddamned incense; what the HELL is happening to me?

What Was That I Said About Victory?

So much for victory. He didn’t even spend a day in jail. He was released yesterday. Fuck. This is all just a bunch of fucking shit. That’s it-just a bunch of shit. That must mean his attorney already knew that an ankle monitoring device was likely and already had him start making the arrangements. Must be nice for the motherfucker to have access to all sorts of ready cash in which to make sure he faces no consequences, isn’t it?

Hearing Update

Happy Monday! And a happy Monday it is indeed. While we did not get all we had asked/hoped for in court, it was still a victory. None of us actually had to testify, which is good, and the judge DID revoke bond, which is also good. CF is now in jail, but he can get out as soon as he obtains an ankle-monitoring device at his expense. Once that happens, he can go to the two AA meetings he regularly attends and to work, and that is it. I know, I know, it isn’t fair, but this is something, and we feel like it is definitely acceptable. I have been looking online for info regarding the ankle monitoring device, but haven’t been able to get much info. I hope it is hard to get, really expensive, and also extremely inconvenient for him.

That said, I think that I am going to have to do more private posts on occasion if I feel like I need to write about any of this. There were television cameras in the courtroom this morning, and I was mentioned by name during the hearing. It was all very tense and scary, and to err on the side of caution, I can’t talk much more about it publicly. I think I have been pretty careful about making sure I am writing opinions and facts only, not mentioning his name and such, but still. If you haven’t already gotten on my list for private invites, please do so now so that when I do a private post, you will get the invite.

Anyway, here’s where I am now-grateful. Happy. Glad that we were heard and taken seriously.

Since ALL the Signifigant Court Dates Have Been on Someone's Birthday….

It shouldn’t surprise me that I got a call from the Prosecutor’s Office today. I mean, the preliminary hearing was on Hannah’s birthday, and then trial was set to start on Eli’s birthday. In fact, when I told April about it having been postponed until June, she was all like, “Well whose fucking birthday is on THAT day?” And yes, she said the F word; she isn’t nearly as sweet and soft-spoken as she likes you to think (I love you!).

Today though? S. was calling to tell me that I need to be at court on Monday morning at 9:00. For another hearing. This time, though (drum roll please…) for a hearing to revoke CF’s bail. Because he is supposed to be on house arrest and has violated those terms. Is this a guarantee that his bail WILL be revoked? No. But the fact that they have actually followed through on our police statements and set up a hearing means that they are, in fact, taking this seriously. I am not getting my hopes up thinking they will handcuff him and take him away right then; I am too cynical about the justice system for that. Hell, the judge very well could give him a verbal slap on the hand and tell him to not do it again, I don’t know. But the very fact that we have this hearing? Makes me very, very happy indeed. Even if his bail isn’t revoked, I hope that it really, really inconveniences him, and I also hope that he displays toward the judge some of the cockiness that he has shown to the public at large.

So there are many, many other things about which I would like to write, and I will tomorrow, but for now? I just can’t stop smiling.

Why It's a Good Day

These are all reasons why today is a good day. I went out for my break this afternoon and ran into my friend P., the mother of my friend M. who died last month. It is the first time I have seen her since just two days after the services; she is a huge reminder of all that I DO have. And this woman-wow. All I can say is that she is amazing and inspirational and a wonderful example of a woman in recovery. She is so open about pain and hurt, and equally open about healing, and that is something I want to be more like. She didn’t know yet that we had moved, and it is almost eerie. She lives two streets over is all from the new place, AND goes walking nearly every evening Is that odd or what? So with hope she will stop by and I can walk with her, make her tea, just BE there in some kind of way for her.

But yeah, I am pretty blessed. I feel a lot better about the whole birthday thing, mainly because there isn’t anything I can DO about it. Steve and I talked last night about how he hurt my feelings; he did it AGAIN when he said, “So are you and Jacquie doing anything on your birthday?” so instead of stewing and second guessing and crying myself to sleep (and also instead of simply telling him to fuck off), I told him that my feelings were hurt, and that I have enough pain in relation to birthdays without him making it worse. Typically (he is a guy, right?) he was pissed and also confused, because he didn’t get it. I think he does now; he told me that he had already told his boss (who also happens to be his brothers, as he recently changed jobs) that he needed to leave early tomorrow night since it is my birthday and was apparently planning something. We talked about how he sounded and what that meant to me (“tag a-fucking-long?”), and basically cleared the air. So yeah, that helped. Knowing that I can either stew in this resentment and make myself crazier OR just accept that this is how it is with my mom, how it is always going to be helps. Knowing that I will also get to see my grandma and my sister, whom I love, helps. Knowing that we will get to eat Chinese food NOT on my dime helps. So I am in a much better place today.

Of course, the biggest part of what helps is the fact that Mother’s Day is coming up. Mother’s Day Misery and Depression totally trumps Woman Who Still Craves Her Mother’s Love Birthday Depression. So why in the hell am I getting all worked up about a birthday when the REAL crappy holiday for single moms is coming up? I need to save my angst and depression for the really big things. And a real special thanks goes out to April for reminding me of the upcoming day. The favor will be returned, when she is least expecting it.

Public Again

Back in the public eye, so to speak, and I come in here this morning to find I have nothing of great import to say. I am feeling depressed today, for whatever reasons. Shouldn’t be, really, because it is finally spring here, the trees all blooming and budding out, and I haven’t had to wear a jacket for several days-that alone should be enough to make me sing with joy, because I can’t stand to be cold, and from about September to April or May, I AM cold. Still, it isn’t enough today.

I know part of it is the fact that I have a birthday coming up. It isn’t the getting older that bothers me at all-after 35, it just doesn’t matter much anymore (though when I hit 40 I might change my mind; ask me then). No, what bothers me is that it is just another day. We are going on Friday to watch an amateur theater group perform Cinderella, with my mom and grandma and sister, which will be fun-but if to celebrate my grandma’s 82nd birthday, not mine. In fact, my mother hasn’t even remembered that it is my birthday as well. I am not surprised, mind you, but it still hurts.

And being a single mom with no family around sucks. Last night Steve was asking me, “What are you doing for your birthday?” and it pissed me off. “Clearly nothing, ” I responded, because he knows well that since he obviously isn’t planning on anything, I won’t do anything. Not because I CAN’T celebrate by myself, but really, there is nothing fun or birthday-ish about taking your kids to the store and giving them money to buy presents for yourself, nor is there anything birthday-ish about making arrangements to take myself and the kids out to dinner or buying your own cake. So then he said that HIS family is gathering at this local restaurant to celebrate his two sisters’ birthdays, and maybe he can talk to his mom and see if it is okay if I tag along. The conversation didn’t end well; I think I told him to fuck off or some other similar thing.

Grrr. I don’t know. I am just in a pissy mood altogether these days. Which makes me much more sensitive to things that might not otherwise bother me, or heighten feelings of sadness or whatever. Tomorrow will be better, of that I am sure, simply because I will have gotten over this slump and started to get my shit together. I mean, birthdays are just birthdays, and in the greater scheme of things it really doesn’t MATTER whether I do anything or not. Also, I don’t really have an evening free this week anyway, so it isn’t as if I am going to be sitting home sad every night. These feelings are just temporary, brought about by all of this OTHER emotional crap going on.

Upward and onward. I forgot to bring my camera today but I have all sorts of great pictures to upload, from Easter and later. We went on the first barbecue of the season on Sunday, so there are fun pictures of that, and taken as a whole things have been pretty okay lately. I want to say thanks to those of you who have been along for the ride lately; you are all pretty amazing people, you know that? I am a little annoyed at the hwole Private thing, though-because I had to just go in a delete those posts because there isn’t a way to keep those ones private. Might be time for me to figure out how to switch to wordpress, I guess, becasue they allow only certain posts to be password protected.