Public Again

Back in the public eye, so to speak, and I come in here this morning to find I have nothing of great import to say. I am feeling depressed today, for whatever reasons. Shouldn’t be, really, because it is finally spring here, the trees all blooming and budding out, and I haven’t had to wear a jacket for several days-that alone should be enough to make me sing with joy, because I can’t stand to be cold, and from about September to April or May, I AM cold. Still, it isn’t enough today.

I know part of it is the fact that I have a birthday coming up. It isn’t the getting older that bothers me at all-after 35, it just doesn’t matter much anymore (though when I hit 40 I might change my mind; ask me then). No, what bothers me is that it is just another day. We are going on Friday to watch an amateur theater group perform Cinderella, with my mom and grandma and sister, which will be fun-but if to celebrate my grandma’s 82nd birthday, not mine. In fact, my mother hasn’t even remembered that it is my birthday as well. I am not surprised, mind you, but it still hurts.

And being a single mom with no family around sucks. Last night Steve was asking me, “What are you doing for your birthday?” and it pissed me off. “Clearly nothing, ” I responded, because he knows well that since he obviously isn’t planning on anything, I won’t do anything. Not because I CAN’T celebrate by myself, but really, there is nothing fun or birthday-ish about taking your kids to the store and giving them money to buy presents for yourself, nor is there anything birthday-ish about making arrangements to take myself and the kids out to dinner or buying your own cake. So then he said that HIS family is gathering at this local restaurant to celebrate his two sisters’ birthdays, and maybe he can talk to his mom and see if it is okay if I tag along. The conversation didn’t end well; I think I told him to fuck off or some other similar thing.

Grrr. I don’t know. I am just in a pissy mood altogether these days. Which makes me much more sensitive to things that might not otherwise bother me, or heighten feelings of sadness or whatever. Tomorrow will be better, of that I am sure, simply because I will have gotten over this slump and started to get my shit together. I mean, birthdays are just birthdays, and in the greater scheme of things it really doesn’t MATTER whether I do anything or not. Also, I don’t really have an evening free this week anyway, so it isn’t as if I am going to be sitting home sad every night. These feelings are just temporary, brought about by all of this OTHER emotional crap going on.

Upward and onward. I forgot to bring my camera today but I have all sorts of great pictures to upload, from Easter and later. We went on the first barbecue of the season on Sunday, so there are fun pictures of that, and taken as a whole things have been pretty okay lately. I want to say thanks to those of you who have been along for the ride lately; you are all pretty amazing people, you know that? I am a little annoyed at the hwole Private thing, though-because I had to just go in a delete those posts because there isn’t a way to keep those ones private. Might be time for me to figure out how to switch to wordpress, I guess, becasue they allow only certain posts to be password protected.


17 thoughts on “Public Again

  1. Kori -You say *it’s just a birthday*, but really, it *IS* still supposed to be special, at every age. It was the day that the amazing person who is YOU was born into this life. *I* for one, am very thankful for that day, as although we are *only* cyber friends(wink, wink; to me the friendship is no less real or beneficial), meeting you and learning of your journey and the lessons you have learned from it, and getting your insight has helped me IMMENSELY over the last 9 months since I met you.So, don’t discount yourself or your birthday. It IS a special day, although I am not there to try and help make it so for you, I wish I could be.Re: Steve – sometimes, men just plain SUCK, ya know? I am sure, in his male mind, his ‘seeing if it is okay for you to tag along’ was his way of *trying* to do something special and *trying* make you feel better, however miserably it was a failure. Sometimes they just don’t get it.((hugs)) I hope you get to feeling less blue soon.

  2. Birthdays can be really fraught when you are a sole parent. I used to find that once Matilda was around 5-6 years old she wanted me to have a "party" too. Often it was hard to get up the energy needed. It's important for the kids to see that your birthday is as important as theirs are and that you should have a "party" too.I'm sorry that Steve hasn't taken the initiative and asked what you would like to do to celebrate your birthday and then just got on with organising it, rather than be an afterthought at another event to which you weren't invited in the first place. In the scheme of things "fuck off" was a reasonable response. It doesn't have to be a big event, just picking up take out dinner and a cake to have with the kids would be very thoughtful.Wish I were closer…I'd love to bake you a cake and have you all over to dinner.Sending love & a huge ((((hug))))…be gentle with and kind to yourself.

  3. I’m w/ Kerrie – although you don’t want ME baking you a cake 🙂 But I do wish we could go out and celebrate who you are and what you do every day. I love you.

  4. Yes. Our birthdays celebrate the day we were born, thus- our very lives and being.And we wonder why they are fraught with angst.Happy coming-up birthday! And for what you’re going through- I would be very surprised if you weren’t feeling all the things you’re feeling.

  5. *ahem* what day IS your birthday? …….they (the possibilities of a celebration) aren’t that great for a variety of reasons, family near or far….my family tends to truly s.u.c.k. at remembering the big days, as do I. Especially since the Big Ugly Landmark birthdays came and went with no big deals made of them ~ I say take the kids out to dinner and celebrate yourself FOR yourself. (my word verification is “asines”, which is close to “asinine”, which may be a reflection of my comment…hmph!

  6. Hey fellow Taurus, my b-day is this week too (25th) and I’ll be celebrating in much the same way. I’ll have my kids with me but it’s the same story. I have taken me and them out to dinner in the past and yes it would be nice if someone else would do it but that’s not gonna happen. Find a way to make the day special for yourself though. You deserve a “me” day on YOUR b-day!

  7. Welcome back! For what its worth, I’m ALL for making plans for myself on my birthday. Why not? When I lived alone I’d sit down, think about what I had REALLY been wanting to do and just go do it, and it was a blast. Treat yourself…at least that way you know you’ll get exactly what you want, right? 🙂

  8. I’m feeling pissy too these days. I’ll just stay here and linger awhile and we can be pissy together………See, much better.;)How about just a day off for your birthday. That’s a great treat in my book!

  9. I’m sorry your mom hasn’t remembered. That stinks. I hope something good happens for you on your birthday anyway. Poor Steve; the guys just don’t get it do they? I’m sure he thought he was making a genuine effort. Which of course only makes it more frustrating.

  10. I’m sorry you feel this way about your birthday, and when you put it this way, I can understand why you do.But I know there must be some way for you to change your perspective, and do something special for yourself even given your constraints.Good luck having a happy birthday anyway– I’m pulling for you!

  11. Aw, Kori, I hope you can feel these arms coming across the miles to give you a big birthday hug…your birthday IS a special day. Sure, it’s not the same as turning 4 (or 9, my boy has a BD coming up too), but it is an important day nonetheless. And after 40 it does seem just another day, but it’s still nice if someone remembers as long as they don’t keep count.Guys don’t get it sometimes, I’m sure Steve meant well, but gahhhhh!! I think I would have said FO too.I hope you do something very special for yourself,

  12. Switch to WordPress, switch to Wrodpress! I’ll give you help, I’ll even give you server space, but you have to email me for info on that :D.Seriously tho’, I can’t remember the last truly good birthday I had. It just irritates me to have it come around again. It bugs the crap out of me when I’m asked what I want for my birthday, but I kinda feel that at this point, he doesn’t know?I don’t mind getting older either, I just mind the body that comes with it :P.

  13. Last night I almost killed my husband just for talking. I get that pissy thing… I hope that you end up having an okay birthday even though you can’t just go out and do what you want. I too am totally annoyed by the blogger not having password protected posts, but for now I am too lazy to switch to wordpress. Hope you’re feeling a little better today!

  14. You should do something special for yourself on your birthday even if it’s just renting a cheesy chick flick and going to bed early, or late depending on how your day went.

  15. Men. I’m sorry that you had to deal with that in top of your mother. Maybe ine day he will understand. Or not…Hope you have a good day all the same.

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