These are all reasons why today is a good day. I went out for my break this afternoon and ran into my friend P., the mother of my friend M. who died last month. It is the first time I have seen her since just two days after the services; she is a huge reminder of all that I DO have. And this woman-wow. All I can say is that she is amazing and inspirational and a wonderful example of a woman in recovery. She is so open about pain and hurt, and equally open about healing, and that is something I want to be more like. She didn’t know yet that we had moved, and it is almost eerie. She lives two streets over is all from the new place, AND goes walking nearly every evening past.my.house. Is that odd or what? So with hope she will stop by and I can walk with her, make her tea, just BE there in some kind of way for her.
But yeah, I am pretty blessed. I feel a lot better about the whole birthday thing, mainly because there isn’t anything I can DO about it. Steve and I talked last night about how he hurt my feelings; he did it AGAIN when he said, “So are you and Jacquie doing anything on your birthday?” so instead of stewing and second guessing and crying myself to sleep (and also instead of simply telling him to fuck off), I told him that my feelings were hurt, and that I have enough pain in relation to birthdays without him making it worse. Typically (he is a guy, right?) he was pissed and also confused, because he didn’t get it. I think he does now; he told me that he had already told his boss (who also happens to be his brothers, as he recently changed jobs) that he needed to leave early tomorrow night since it is my birthday and was apparently planning something. We talked about how he sounded and what that meant to me (“tag a-fucking-long?”), and basically cleared the air. So yeah, that helped. Knowing that I can either stew in this resentment and make myself crazier OR just accept that this is how it is with my mom, how it is always going to be helps. Knowing that I will also get to see my grandma and my sister, whom I love, helps. Knowing that we will get to eat Chinese food NOT on my dime helps. So I am in a much better place today.
Of course, the biggest part of what helps is the fact that Mother’s Day is coming up. Mother’s Day Misery and Depression totally trumps Woman Who Still Craves Her Mother’s Love Birthday Depression. So why in the hell am I getting all worked up about a birthday when the REAL crappy holiday for single moms is coming up? I need to save my angst and depression for the really big things. And a real special thanks goes out to April for reminding me of the upcoming day. The favor will be returned, when she is least expecting it.