As a person who doesn’t like change much, this having a computer at home thing is a little bit hard to get used to. At work, I am the only one who uses the computer, so I have everything I need or want right at my fingertips. Want to post a picture? click click click, there it is. Want to find a quote quickly, or check my account balance while also emailing? No problem. I know where everything is, I know how to access it quickly, and all is well. Not so now; we can all log on as different users, which is cool because we all have our own “stuff,” but then there is also the main user which is my dad. So if we buy a new program and install it, it has to be installed under his user name since all the current programs are registered to him. Anyway, I was all cool and technologically “with it” and got the pictures all uploaded and in a folder, but the folder is on my dad’s section and can I figure out how to access it? The answer is easy: do you see any pictures in this post? You would think, too, that I would have spent a lot more time trying to get everything figured out and set up the way I want it, but life somehow gets in the way.
Anyway, despite the fears and worries about Steve, the weekend was actually good. Once I knew where he was and that he was safe, I could stop worrying and just keep moving. It isn’t about trying to get him to stop drinking-because I can’t. It isn’t about trying to fix his problems, because again, I can’t. But there is no way to NOT worry when you know someone is on a runner and no one is quite sure where they are. So once I knew those most basic things, I could live with it. I was quite pleased with myself when on Saturday afternoon he finally called to see if his sister could drop him off at my house and I said, “No. You are not going to come to my house drunk and pass out here. You are more than welcome to come here if and when you sober up, but not until then.” He was miffed, but oh fucking well. He did come over in the evening, and that was fine; I think he was expecting a fight, or expecting me to lecture him or something, and I didn’t. Because to what end? He knows how I feel, he knows what’s at stake for him (on a LOT of different levels; with me and Owen, on a legal front, with his job…), he knows well I will neither lie for him nor clean up his messes for him (I don’t loan or give money, I don’t bail out of jail, he can’t move in with me. I will feed him and let him stay the night on occasion, but that’s it), so why get into a fight about it? I can’t say anything that is going to make him suddenly see the light, so to speak. So me distancing myself from him in that respect felt really good-I just simply refused to engage. He kept saying things like, “Do you hate me?” and fuck, how can I say that I do? I DON’T hate him; quite the opposite. But I hate what alcohol does to him, I hate the lack of ability and willingness to work a program, I hate that he knows there is a better way (not easier, but better), and he chooses not to do the work. Every time he would say that, I would counter with, “I don’t hate you; I am just disgusted with the whole situation.”
Sorry; I went off on a tangent there; I was talking about the weekend in general. We had the Pinewood Derby for Scouts for Sam on Saturday morning, and that was actually a lot of fun. There were 21 cars this year so Sam didn’t do as well; he made it to the last heats but then got totally creamed by the competition. However, all the boys got prizes for something, and the races were very exciting, so it was all good. I think for Sam, the most important thing was having people there to watch him and cheer him on.
Afterwards, we went home so Owen could nap, then we headed off to the museum so the kids could do their History assignment; Eli and Hannah both had friends staying over who also had to do the assignment, so we carted them there and dropped them off. While they were doing that, Sam and Owen and I washed the car-and it was hilarious to watch both Owen and Sam together trying to control the water hose. So much fun! We all got soaked and that soap stained our hands pink, but then we went to the park and dried off in the sun before picking the other kids up.
And yesterday was lovely. I got up and had coffee and made waffles, and we cleaned the house, and then Owen and I both took a long, much-needed nap. As you all know, I haven’t been sleeping well for the last little while, so it was wonderful to actually lay down in a dark room and be ABLE to fall asleep, and sleep hard. O. and I both woke up much refreshed and ready for anything-which was a trip to the park with Hannah and Sam for Owen, and grocery shopping for Eli and I. It sounds stupid, I know, but because I have been so tired lately, I haven’t even been able to muster up the energy to go to the grocery store-the very thought has been enough to make me weep-so even something as simple as feeling energized enough to buy groceries was a blessing. Also through the course of the day, I got the fence fixed ( I hope) so that the dogs can’t get out anymore, watched our backyard neighbor get arrested, and later, the kids got the lawn mowed. All in all, a lot of sweetness in my life to make up for the bitter. And isn’t that the nature of life?
I am finishing this at work; Steve called to let me know that his probation officer didn’t show up (he was supposed to meet with him this morning, obviously, and I am annoyed that he didn’t actually have to because it is just another opportunity for S. to escape the consequences, but whatever, right?), and that he was on his way to work-and asking what I thought he should do. I was also proud of myself for this: I told him it was his decision to make, but that he needs to stop and think about all he has to lose by continuing to work there, where no one holds him accountable, where his brother almost encourages him to drink, and then not pay him on top of it. I actually can’t remember everything I said, but when I got off the phone I told my co-worked, “Isn’t it lovely to have cubicles where you have to hear all my personal business?” and she said, “I am just proud of you for standing up to him and telling it like it is.” High praise.
And this week has begun, and it is a good, beautiful morning. I just got my first non-garnished paycheck and damn, does that feel good. Don’t know how long it will last, as I know there are a couple more out there, but for the moment it is nice to see it, and to know that even though I shouldn’t have had to pay any of it in the first place, I did it, you know? The week promises to be busy, as I have meetings and another class all week, but that’s a good thing. All in all, I am feeling pretty contented today. I love it when tools of recovery, tools of life, really kick in and I can be okay even when things are not okay for someone I love. I feel blessed and grateful that my fears and worries can be balanced out by the sweet things in life, feel just so, so lucky today!