Sunny Days…Make Shit Stink

The sky is impossibly blue here today, not a cloud in sight, not even at the edge of the horizon.  I spent my lunch hour outside on the grass, ostensibly reading but really just laying in the sun, soaking it up.  It has been so wet here, so gloomy, that it felt like something close to heaven to simply feel the sun on my face and breathe in the smell of the damp earth.

Good, too, to have that bit of time to simply be.  With the events of the past few months, even the past year, there has been too little time to simply sit and listen, be still not just outwardly but inside where it really matters.  Also, my life is changing in big ways, so it felt really nice to sit in the sun and think.  About all that has happened before, and what is happening now, and all that is coming.

Several things on top of the court issue.  One is that Sam’s dad has re-appeared; he went into where Steve works last weekend, not knowing that he still worked there, and his first words upon Steve recognizing him were, “Oh, fuck, I knew I shouldn’t have some to town.”  From there it went on to, “It’s all about the money and I don’t understand why I don’t have any rights and I just don’t want to have to deal with that fucking bitch.”  Nice, isn’t it?  So lovely to know that as usual, Sam’s well-being is foremost in his mind; he didn’t even ask about Sam.  Steve gave him my phone number, but it took over a week for him to call, and even then, it wasn’t him; he had his wife call and leave a message, but with no call-back number.  Later, she called again and had the balls to leave a rather cunt-ish message about how now that they finally have my number (for the record, I had the same telephone number for six years, until we moved into the new house in January.  And if he had maintained any sort of relationship with Sam, he would have had the new number as well, right?), SHE would like to talk to me to “go over” the money issues, and to see if I would let the kids talk to him since it was Father’s Day.  I was very glad that we weren’t home when she called, or I might well have lost my shit on her-because how dare he call after over two years and suddenly decide he wants to talk to Sam simply because it was Father’s Day?  And what right does his wife have to EVEN get involved in this? 

However, the fact remains that he is still Sam’s dad.  And I know that Sam would love to see him, which is where the conundrum lies.  I am not willing to risk him breaking my baby’s heart yet again by leading him to believe he is going to be around only to disappear-because every single time he has appeared like this, he has turned around and left Sam again.  And again, and again.  At the same time, I know that the only way for him to prove himself worthy of being called “Dad” by this amazing kid is to let him have a chance.  It’s a catch-22 situation, that’s for sure.  I have been thinking that if he calls again, I can tell him, “Okay; you start paying your child support, and if you are consistent for six months, you can start calling him once a week.  If you can’t follow through on that, you don’t deserve to see him.”  (Before any of you get up in arms about how awful it is that I would use non-payment of child support to withhold visitation, just-don’t.  There is a long back-story to all this but the long and short if it is that I have full legal and physical custody of The Boy, which was given to me after a really long battle where my ex-husband was in JAIL for forgery and fraud charges in addition to drug charges yet I had to prove myself fit to parent.  There are reasons for this decision, okay?  Reasons that have nothing to do with the miserable $200 I am supposed to get every month from him.  Trust me on this one).  I am glad that Sam isn’t home right now to overhear any of this, to have any reason to know it; not until I know what to do, and how to do it.  And right now, I just don’t have a fucking clue.

Yet there are sweet things, too-sweet things which I don’t know how to deal with very well either.  You all know by now that Steve and I are living together, which is a far cry from where things were a couple of months ago, but-it is what it is.  He has his own issues, which you know about, and those have in part prevented us from moving in together long before this.  I have my OWN issues, too, that have contributed to this.  It is so easy for me to get on here and talk about him and his issues, but it is much harder to come here and talk about my own.  So much easier than saying I suck at intimacy,  that I am terrified of giving my heart over to someone else, that it scares me to love anyone too much.  Even though the rational part of my mind believes in all of that love shit, it is still hard to convince myself that it isn’t just going to rip me apart and shatter me all over again.  And sure, that could happen-there are no guarantees.  But-maybe I think it is time to simply let go a little, to open myself up to it.

All in all, though, it is pretty hard to revel in the sunshine while also brooding about what may or may not happen, without lugging around this suitcase of old stinky shit along with me.  Because it is sunny, and hot, and that baggage really start to stink after a time.  Maybe I can simply try to place some of it on the side of the road and make the load lighter.

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13 thoughts on “Sunny Days…Make Shit Stink

  1. oh…i am the very last person who would get up in arms about your contingency plan regarding visitation/child support.

    eegads, it’s hard to be connected with a horrible ex through your kids, isn’t it?!

  2. I agree with you. Sam’s dad is a big, fat COWARD. And isn’t he the one who got you strapped with all HIS debt that keeps popping up on you? I would SOOOO not let him talk to Sam until he can prove that he’s not going to break his heart.

    I hope you can flush the stinky shit soon. :-/
    .-= Julie´s last blog ..Apparently dumber than I thought =-.

  3. Your plate is so full and yet, it gets fuller. Oh, how I wish I had a magic wand or a crystal ball to tell you what to do. But I don’t, of course. I do know that you are an amazing mother and you will make the right decisions for your children.
    I am on your side, whatever that is.
    .-= Ms. Moon´s last blog ..Tell Us What She’s Won, Don Pardo! =-.

  4. Clearly you did not read my post, nor do you know anything about me or my situation. Though you certainly do not deserve any kind of clarification on my part, if you had read the post you would know that I have full legal and physical custody of my son. There is no visitation schedule at all other than at my discretion, because he proved to the courts that he is an unfit parent at best. I never have to let him see his son, and I don’t need a reason. I know that you are simply being a bitch, because you don’t like me, and that is fine; however, this kind of petty display of hate-mongering simply shows the kind of person you truly are, and I am very happy to publish any nasty comment you choose to make. Thanks for stopping by!

  5. You know I’m in a similar situation (including that he has no rights to visitation). And if he truly wanted to see his son, he’d have the fucking balls to pick up the phone and ask you himself! Your decision was one where Sam could directly benefit without any possible additional trauma.

  6. Even if one parent has legal and physical custody, the other is still entitled to visitation.

    Physical just relates to whom the child will live with, legal to whom will get to make decisions such as medical, educational, religious, etc.
    .-= won´s last blog ..Summer Daze =-.

  7. @won, I know very well what the definition is, although thank you for the lesson for those who may not be aware of that. However, as I have also said, there is no visitation except at my discretion, and there are, in fact, reasons for that. My primary concenr is for my son. Period. And the fact that his father literally disappeared for two years and suddenly decided he wanted to talk to his son does not obligate me to allow that to happen. Due to his past behavior, he has to prove to me that he is capable of being a responsible adult before I will allow any kind of contact with his son; that includes being financially responsible for the child he helped create.

  8. You’re absolutely right about Sam’s dad not having a leg to stand on. And as for his wife, she needs to get a clue. What a bitch. Maybe she should call and say, “Hey, I have several hundred dollars in back child support for you, is there any chance you’d be willing to let Sam see his dad for Father’s Day?” But no.

    If you do decide to let Sam see him, maybe the best thing is to just be blunt with him. Explain that his dad is around again, for the moment, that he has a chance to see him if he’d like to but things haven’t changed and he should keep in mind that his dad might take off again at any moment. And as painful as it may be for him to hear it, remind him that drug addicts lie and he shouldn’t let his dad’s promises excite him.
    .-= FreedomFirst´s last blog ..Never in a million years =-.

  9. I would be the last person to give you crap for putting conditions on Sam’s dad’s visitation. It’s about the boy, period! History has shown his son is not a priority or he would be doing everything he can to get back in your good graces and proving to Sam he does love and cherish him. Until then, screw him and the bitch he rode in on.

    • @Rachael, Thank you so much for those words; I have needed to hear them. And I don’t think I have changed my mind about letting Sam see him, and it is probably a moot point anyway as no one has called back, so….

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