My day did not start off auspiciously; I woke up at 5:30 when Owen came creeping into bed with us, which in and of itself isn’t the issue, it is that when one of us starts stirring, all of the animals start to stir as well. I stumbled out of the bedroom in the dark and stepped in yet another puddle of pee, this time warm-had I woken up about 30 seconds earlier, I would not have been sopping up urine at the butt-crack of dawn. As if that wasn’t enough, Eli’s dog Lola was having herself a little cat-food buffet when I got up; I caught her with her head buried in the cat food bag, and about 15 minutes later the barfed-twice-all over the floor. All this before I had even had my first cup of coffee.
This is what I DON’T want to be today: I don’t want to be a mom, don’t want to be a girlfriend, don’t want to be an employee (those words will sound familiar to April, because I literally JUST emailed them to her). Please don’t get me wrong; I DO want all of those things, really, but today, just this minute, I am tired. Tired tired tired. Seems like every little thing lately is annoying me, and I feel like I just don’t have a lot to give to anyone right now.
Part of this is frustration. I swear on all I hold holy that if one more person simply says, “all you have to do with Hannah is get her through school,” I am going to lose my shit on them. Seriously. Because 1. how, exactly, am I supposed to accomplish that, and 2. what happens to her afterward? Isn’t part of being a parent making an attempt to prepare them for life in general? God, that gets me fuming. Because there are certain things I will.not.do; I will not drive Hannah to school and go with her to each of her classes every morning and turn in her homework for her. I will not cajole her teachers into giving her extra time to make up assignments that she simply didn’t bother to finish or turn in. In my opinion, this kind of behavior simply enables her to continue to be apathetic, leaving it up to everyone else to make sure she is successful. And I could get her through school if I did that, sure, but then what? I would already have set her up to believe that all she has to do to get through life is to coast, and someone will be coming along behind her to clean it up and make sure everything turns out all right.
We were talking about some different things at home last night and one thing that came up (as the result of our trip to the airport on Sunday) was that she might like to think about possibly looking into being a flight attendant (and how is THAT for ambiguity?). Since this is the first time she has expressed an interest in ANYTHING lately, I jumped on that. I looked up some stuff on the Internet and was telling her yes, you can do that, you would be good at it, too…and she countered with. “Oh, I don’t know, I think that it would be hard to be on my feet so much…” Right about that time, Steve started kind of haranguing me about a couple of different things, and I just-I wanted to yell fuck it and walk out of the house. I wanted to scream at Steve that if he doesn’t like the way I do things, he should get out; I wanted to scream at Hannah that if she was going to shoot down every single potential future because she doesn’t want to STAND TOO LONG, then she could just write off any further help from me. I wanted to push Owen rudely away from me when he wanted to “kisses and hugs” while sitting on my lap in the heat, I wanted to yell that life isn’t fucking very nice sometimes.
But I did none of those things; instead, I ate my dinner (not cooked by me, other than opening the can of biscuits and starting to brown the sausage) and I sat on the porch and smoked and then we went to a birthday party because that’s what we do. And Steve and I went on a short motorcycle ride and the wind felt so good, cooling my body and drying the sweat from the roots of my hair and making it so I could be really nice to the sister-in-law with whom I had conflict camping. Because I don’t like her, but she is married to Steve’s brother and I have to respect that and not be any added contention. And I went to bed and it was good, but then I woke up again this morning and it wasn’t good again.
I feel selfish. God, do I feel selfish. And bitchy. Because I want to be taken care of and nurtured, and even though it is up to ME to do that, I am not doing a very good job of it lately. All of these different things going through my head, a ton of different things I am supposed to be figuring out and damn it, the only thing I can figure out how to do right this minute is wait. While I am waiting, I am suppose to be working on my Victim’s Impact Statement for the sentencing; you know, the Victim’s Impact Statement that most likely isn’t going to have any real effect on the sentencing that most likely isn’t going to happen. So I feel like it is a lesson in futility to expend so much time and effort, plus try like hell to convince Hannah that she really, really needs to do one, but I have to do my part. Have to follow this through.
I just got this email from April in response to my email to her:
“Aw, honey, I’m sorry. Those people just don’t get it. I know why you’re suffering, and it’s because you want the best for her. You want HER to be happy. What’s killing you is not how hard it is on YOU, but seeing her suffer. yes, you’re angry at her, but that’s because you love her so much and you wish she loved herself half as much as you love her.
Yes, technically, all you have to do as her mother is get her through school. But that’s not the kind of mother that you are.”
And that? Makes me feel better; because she gets it; she gets ME. And probably better than anyone, she knows that feelings are temporary, that I might feel this way today but something might happen that totally changes everything tomorrow, and that is okay. It is okay for me to feel everything I am feeling because it doesn’t mean I stop fighting, doesn’t mean I stop participating, doesn’t mean I love Steve and less nor will I stop mopping up pee-because at the root of it all is love, and I think most times I have enough of that to go around, and I have to believe that at some point, it will work itself out. One way or another, there will be resolution to everything. for good or ill, and all I have to do is keep getting up in the morning and doing it, right?