Yesterday afternoon Sam called me here at the office to let me know he was alive and having fun. C. had already emailed me photos of their hike, so I knew he hadn’t lapsed into a coma or anything, but it was neat to hear from him. He was very funny; “I had to call you now because, you know, we have plans tonight.” Mr. World Traveler indeed. And C. emailed me again this morning kind of outlining their plans for the day, and at the end she said, “Sam is such a great kid…”
Last night Steve not only decided what we were having for dinner but also cooked and served it to me. I had gone to Jacquie’s yesterday and absconded with borrowed a book from her (okay, I admit it, it is the last of the Twilight series. Yes. I said it out loud. I have read them. And the writing isn’t very good, they are just kind of fluffy, but the story has been compelling enough that I wanted to finish it. So there.) so was engrossed in it, and it was lovely to not have to deal with the whole dinner thing. After dinner, he took Owen and Hannah with him to his sister’s house and came back an hour or so later with cake-which he put on a plate and brought to me. Basically, he did the whole evening routine without any help from me, including bathing Owen and getting him into bed. Funny; he doesn’t read my blog (that I know of anyway) so he would have no idea that the thing I needed most was just what he gave me-a little bit of care and nurturing, and an hour to myself.
Owen has been saying some really funny things lately. The newest was at the airport on Sunday, when I wouldn’t let him go down the escalator a thousand times. “I give you diamonds if you let me.” Then last night, he wanted me to go with them to Steve’s sister’s house, and when I said no, I didn’t want to go, he said again, “I really really want you to go. I give you diamonds to go!” It cracked me up, and I have no idea where he might have heard something like that. I asked him if he knew what diamonds are, and he said, “Nope, but I give you one.”
Hannah has been conversing via email and phone with a young boy recently. Since I banned her from MySpace and MyYearbook, it was one of those things where her friend is on MySpace so this boy sent her a message asking her to give Hannah a message that when he comes back from visiting his mom, he wants to take her out on a date. So Hannah told her friend to message him and tell him that she would like to go, and it has progressed to him calling her at least once a day. And this is a good thing. I don’t know this boy personally, but I know his dad through work. My boss knows the family quite well, and this is a good boy. Meaning that he hasn’t been in trouble, he gets good grades, he has two sets of parents (dad and step-mom, mom and step-dad) who care about him and his well-being (as an example: Boy decided he wanted to try to live with mom for awhile, over in South Dakota, and she was all for it. Boy has some health issues that got quite bad there, and mom acknowledged that perhaps it would be in Boy’s best interest to stay at home with dad and step-mom, because she was afraid she couldn’t take care of him as well as she should. And THAT is good parenting in my book), he goes to church…and this is good because it maybe means that Hannah is starting to think she deserves better than trash.
See, these are the reasons I keep getting up in the morning, the little things that keep me going. There are bad moments, days, weeks, but really, this is where I want to be and what I want to be doing. Most of all, I see these glimpses not just of how it could be but how it is, and that makes me feel very happy. Yes, I have a troubled child; I don’t know yet what the answers are, but opening doors and thinking outside the traditional ideas for her helps. Talking about it helps. Yes, I am new to this cohabiting thing but I don’t regret it and every once in awhile I get an idea that this is really good, really right. I have these kids who make me laugh and make me change and grow and totally exasperate me, I have a friend who adores Sam as much as I do and thinks he is a really good kid. And in the face of that, I am forcibly reminded that life is indeed sweet. Not all the time, certainly, but enough so that there are really great reasons to get up and face the day, every day-just to see what might happen. See, I have this love that keep me grounded, keeps me moving forward even when things feel like shit.
I will be posting another password protected post tomorrow, with my own letter to Hannah. I encourage you all to read it, and to look in your hearts for your own story to share with her. We all have one, you see-this, I know without a doubt. And each of us is here to tell the tale, to prove over and over and over again that we re strong, lovely people. So-you can check out mine tomorrow, and I would love to have yours. Remember, if you already have the password, it is still the same. If not, email me.
**Oh. And I just got an email back from outward bound regarding their Intercept courses for at-risk teens. More than ever, I want to enroll Hannah in either the 28 day or 50 day course, but more than ever I just know it isn’t going to happen. The 28 day cours is $6,295, the 50 day course $9,795. This of course doesn’t include airfaire, time off of work, clothing and gear needed. I was expecting this, it wasn’t a REAL hope, but for some reason I am still disappointed. And forgive me for being bitter here for a moment, but excuse me, only rich kids are troubled and deserve these kinds of opportunities to turn their lives around? Apparently so. Anyone have an in with Oprah? Maybe SHE will foot the bill. Shitfuckgoddamnit. One door not just closed but SLAMMED shut. And I knew this was a dead end, I really and truly did, but still, it bites.