Beyond fame and fortune, what more do I really need?

I lead a pretty good life, you know that?  It is a Tuesday that feels like a Monday due to the long weekend. I am stiff and sore and sunburned, and I have three big scrapes on the back on my leg, my left butt-cheek, and on my calf, but damn, I feel good.  It was, all in all, a really great weekend, and I feel rested and refreshed in a way I haven’t for quite some time.

On Friday night, Steve and I skipped the Friday AA meeting in order to take a drive and go out to dinner.  We just went to a little cafe, nothing spectacular in terms of food, but the drive up there was lovely.  After we ate, we drove on up toward the ski hill, pulling over about halfway to the top so we could watch the last of the sunset.  It wasn’t a late night, we were home and in bed by 10:00, but it was a really nice way to begin the weekend.

Saturday morning, I met my friend/sponsor P. for coffee, and we went over some different things and she gave me some different things to be working on this week.  It feels good to be taking action to change things.  I mean, the only thing I could pinpoint to her is that I just want to be happy again.  I am not unhappy with my family, I am not unhappy with my job, I am not unhappy with Steve…but I just feel a generalized sense of being stuck-which you all know.  There are two major things I need to work on, and that is my anger toward CF and the injustice of our legal system, and my unresolved feelings toward my ex-husband.  The situation with CF is something that I have no control over, so I need to be willing to take what steps I need to take in order to be happy in spite of it.  As far as the ex goes, I have resolved a lot of issues and feelings, but other things have come up now that Steve and I are living together-issues that I haven’t perhaps been able to see until I started carrying them into the relationship.  Which bring up a lot of old feelings and defense mechanisms that perhaps I don’t need any longer, which also creates more problems than it solves.  Basically, I need to get back to the place where I can be content regardless of what outside circumstances are, and it feels good to have a plan in place.

But funny, I went back home and later that day Steve and I got into the hugest fight EVER, and even though P. and I had just finished talking about that very thing, I had opened my mouth and reacted to something instead of stopping to think before I did.  And then of course he reacted, too, and before you could say “Bob’s your uncle,” we were fighting-yelling, even.  We talked about it later, and while we got a few things out in the open, it wasn’t really resolved-and maybe won’t be until we both take what was talked about between the two of us and apply it to the relationship.  Still, the rest of the evening wasn’t toxic or uncomfortable by any means; it was enough to simply say, “This is what we see the problem is, and maybe we don’t have enough information to solve it just yet but we recognize it and acknowledge that it does have power over us right now and that we need to do X, Y, and Z to fix it.”

Then we fished.  On Sunday morning, Steve went out with his family (which incidentally is oneof the things we fought about, what I perceive to be his family’s unnatural and unhealthy closeness, but that is, believe me, the topic for an entire post on its own)while the little boys went to Sunday school.  Hannah and I mowed the lawn and did some laundry and housecleaning, and then when Steve got home all of us went out the the river (minus Eli, who was with a friend for the weekend).  This time, we caught fish.  A LOT of fish.  We only caught five worth keeping, beautiful bass, but caught probably another 20 that we let go.  It was so much fun; even Hannah, for the first time in her life, fished.  In fact, of all of us, she caught the most.  I can’t tell you how good it was to see her, sitting on the edge of the dock with her pants rolled up and her pole in the water, concentrating on catching that first faint vibration at the tip of the pole indicating that the fish are getting ready to strike.  There is an art to it, and she found it that day.  Every time she pulled one up out of the water, her grin got bigger, and at the end of the day, she was the last one to pull her pole in.  Sam was equally thrilled because he caught the biggest one, all on his own (well, Steve had to help him bring it in, but he was the one who put the worm on and casted it and got it almost all the way to the dock on his own.  It was probably close to ten inches, which is a lovely, good-sized fish).

And we went back out again twice yesterday, once in the morning with Sam and his friend C. and Owen and once in the evening with just Steve and I.  Yesterday was when I fell and scraped myself all up; Steve landed the biggest carp I have EVER seen, and in my excitement to get a picture of it, I slid down this concrete bank they have right by the dock.  I am not the most graceful of people, in case you weren’t aware of it. 

So that was my weekend, and I just feel very lucky and blessed lately.  Maybe I am not as happy as I would like to be, but I am so, so grateful for knowing that this is in my power to fix, to change, and also feel grateful that because I am sober in AA, I am willing to do the work.  None of this is permanent, and nothing is broken or damaged beyond repair-including myself.  I was able to eat well and sleep like the dead every night, was able to spend lots of time with people I love, breathe in fresh air and soak in the sunshine.   I was able to identify some of my own faults (what, you say?  Faults?  No…. HA!) and take steps to overcome them, and I was blessed enough to wake up this morning and know that I am on my way.  What more could I ask for?

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34 thoughts on “Beyond fame and fortune, what more do I really need?

  1. Even with all the stuff still going on, your posts lately seem to be a bit calmer in tone. Thanks for your comment over on mine, I get what you’re saying about wants vs needs. I’m bad about focusing on everything I have to do and missing the bigger picture, which is that Boy and I are healthy and happy and have a roof over our heads and love each other.
    .-= Cat´s last blog ..Frustrated =-.

    • @Cat, I think we ALL do it, though. Well, I know I do, anyway. Just do what you can, do what is in front of you, focus on the important things, and the rest? Will eventually get done.

    • @Tara R., I think a lot of it simply has to do with perspective. I mean, I will NEVER say that the last year has been really, really hard. But I lost my way for awhile there, and it is good to be able to recognize that there ARE things I can and do need to do if I want to remember how to be happy.

  2. I’ve been learning more and more lately that happiness is about my reaction to life rather than to how life is treating me. Instead of always looking for the next thing to make me happy, I have the ability to BE happy. I’ve been focusing lately on concentrating on how I want to BE rather than what I want to DO. It started as an exercise in parenting… and has expanded into bigger things. Be vs Do. Recognizing that you don’t have control over certain things is a big step in the right direction!
    .-= Eternal Lizdom´s last blog ..Focusing on Pie =-.

  3. You are so inspiring. You know why? Because you work so hard at getting it right. You think, you care, you work, you keep striving. And you love.
    Girl. You are all of it.
    Thank-you. And I’m so glad you caught some fish and that fishing made Hannah smile.
    .-= Ms. Moon´s last blog ..I’m Scared. I’m Serious. =-.

    • @Ms. Moon, She looked so cute, too, all sun-flushed with her pants rolled up and her feet in the water. She reminded me a little bit of a female Tom Sawyer.

      And thank you for your kind, kind words. High praise indeed.

  4. OK, um…what Ms. Moon said.

    Your heart is so stinking big. And speaking of that heart…thank you for offering your help for my Liz Logelin walk. I didn’t have your email, so that’s why I haven’t responded. But also, I want you to keep it. I’ve been spoiled with the response.

    Thank you. I appreciate your willingness to give more than I can say.

    You rock the party 🙂
    .-= Heather of the EO´s last blog ..Teen Driving, Car Chases, and a Healthy Argument Discussion =-.

  5. I liked reading this a lot, Kori. You sound very peaceful regardless of how you’re feeling inside sometimes. You don’t read very many posts out here in the blogosphere about people just being happy and peaceful and this was one of those rare, nice reads.

    You also made me want to fish again. Some of the best, quietest, most contemplative and reflective moments have been on a dock on a lake fishing with my loved ones around me, but not too close, all doing the same thing. *Sigh*

  6. This sounds like a jam-packed weekend. Glad that, for the most part, it was a relaxing time.

    Just wanted to swing by and thank you for your comment at Flutter’s. Indeed, there are choices involved, and I do my best to make the right ones, despite all the baggage. I so appreciate your insights . . .

    Brian
    .-= tysdaddy´s last blog ..Bukowski =-.

  7. Ouch! Hope your scrapes are getting better. Sounds like everyone had a great and fun filled weekend. It’s always great when you can move past an argument. Making progress is always good.

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