I lead a pretty good life, you know that? It is a Tuesday that feels like a Monday due to the long weekend. I am stiff and sore and sunburned, and I have three big scrapes on the back on my leg, my left butt-cheek, and on my calf, but damn, I feel good. It was, all in all, a really great weekend, and I feel rested and refreshed in a way I haven’t for quite some time.
On Friday night, Steve and I skipped the Friday AA meeting in order to take a drive and go out to dinner. We just went to a little cafe, nothing spectacular in terms of food, but the drive up there was lovely. After we ate, we drove on up toward the ski hill, pulling over about halfway to the top so we could watch the last of the sunset. It wasn’t a late night, we were home and in bed by 10:00, but it was a really nice way to begin the weekend.
Saturday morning, I met my friend/sponsor P. for coffee, and we went over some different things and she gave me some different things to be working on this week. It feels good to be taking action to change things. I mean, the only thing I could pinpoint to her is that I just want to be happy again. I am not unhappy with my family, I am not unhappy with my job, I am not unhappy with Steve…but I just feel a generalized sense of being stuck-which you all know. There are two major things I need to work on, and that is my anger toward CF and the injustice of our legal system, and my unresolved feelings toward my ex-husband. The situation with CF is something that I have no control over, so I need to be willing to take what steps I need to take in order to be happy in spite of it. As far as the ex goes, I have resolved a lot of issues and feelings, but other things have come up now that Steve and I are living together-issues that I haven’t perhaps been able to see until I started carrying them into the relationship. Which bring up a lot of old feelings and defense mechanisms that perhaps I don’t need any longer, which also creates more problems than it solves. Basically, I need to get back to the place where I can be content regardless of what outside circumstances are, and it feels good to have a plan in place.
But funny, I went back home and later that day Steve and I got into the hugest fight EVER, and even though P. and I had just finished talking about that very thing, I had opened my mouth and reacted to something instead of stopping to think before I did. And then of course he reacted, too, and before you could say “Bob’s your uncle,” we were fighting-yelling, even. We talked about it later, and while we got a few things out in the open, it wasn’t really resolved-and maybe won’t be until we both take what was talked about between the two of us and apply it to the relationship. Still, the rest of the evening wasn’t toxic or uncomfortable by any means; it was enough to simply say, “This is what we see the problem is, and maybe we don’t have enough information to solve it just yet but we recognize it and acknowledge that it does have power over us right now and that we need to do X, Y, and Z to fix it.”
Then we fished. On Sunday morning, Steve went out with his family (which incidentally is oneof the things we fought about, what I perceive to be his family’s unnatural and unhealthy closeness, but that is, believe me, the topic for an entire post on its own)while the little boys went to Sunday school. Hannah and I mowed the lawn and did some laundry and housecleaning, and then when Steve got home all of us went out the the river (minus Eli, who was with a friend for the weekend). This time, we caught fish. A LOT of fish. We only caught five worth keeping, beautiful bass, but caught probably another 20 that we let go. It was so much fun; even Hannah, for the first time in her life, fished. In fact, of all of us, she caught the most. I can’t tell you how good it was to see her, sitting on the edge of the dock with her pants rolled up and her pole in the water, concentrating on catching that first faint vibration at the tip of the pole indicating that the fish are getting ready to strike. There is an art to it, and she found it that day. Every time she pulled one up out of the water, her grin got bigger, and at the end of the day, she was the last one to pull her pole in. Sam was equally thrilled because he caught the biggest one, all on his own (well, Steve had to help him bring it in, but he was the one who put the worm on and casted it and got it almost all the way to the dock on his own. It was probably close to ten inches, which is a lovely, good-sized fish).
And we went back out again twice yesterday, once in the morning with Sam and his friend C. and Owen and once in the evening with just Steve and I. Yesterday was when I fell and scraped myself all up; Steve landed the biggest carp I have EVER seen, and in my excitement to get a picture of it, I slid down this concrete bank they have right by the dock. I am not the most graceful of people, in case you weren’t aware of it.
So that was my weekend, and I just feel very lucky and blessed lately. Maybe I am not as happy as I would like to be, but I am so, so grateful for knowing that this is in my power to fix, to change, and also feel grateful that because I am sober in AA, I am willing to do the work. None of this is permanent, and nothing is broken or damaged beyond repair-including myself. I was able to eat well and sleep like the dead every night, was able to spend lots of time with people I love, breathe in fresh air and soak in the sunshine. I was able to identify some of my own faults (what, you say? Faults? No…. HA!) and take steps to overcome them, and I was blessed enough to wake up this morning and know that I am on my way. What more could I ask for?