it's just life all over again

The coffee pot I got for Christmas last year died last night; with a loud buzz and the immediate smell of frying electrical wires, it gave up the ghost.  Thankfully I have a back-up pot, a little “four cup” (which really only makes about 1.75 cups) jobbie that will at least keep me going until another larger pot can be procured.  I was definitely a slave to the coffee pot this morning, pouring my cup and then adding more water and grounds so that there would be enough coffee.  Pathetic, I know, but there you go.

It has been a really strange and emotionally trying couple of days, and to be truthful, I am just not sure what to do with all of this shit floating around in my head.  One of my many faults-and this is the biggest-is that I tend to see a lot of things in black and white, and it is so easy for me to see clearly what needs to be done/not done in someone else’s life that it is frustrating when I have to sit back and let them make their own decisions.  Another thing I am finding out recently is that no matter how hard I try sometimes to clearly articulate why I feel the way I feel about different things, I come across as trying to tell other people what to do-even if I am not.  One situation has caused a certain amount of distance between myself and a friend, another situation has cost me a friendship I hold dear, and I am sad about both.

But here is the thing I keep coming back around to: we all need to live our own lives, and make our own decisions, and no one should be punished or ostracized for those decisions.  How, then, to be supportive of someone else and love them unreservedly even when the things they are doing go totally against everything I believe in?  I am coming to a crossroads where I am finally facing the fact that I am just as guilty as the next person of measuring everything by my own yardstick, and the best thing for me to do is to simply stop caring.  I can’t pretend to agree with the choices everyone makes, nor can I pretend to believe and feel any differently than I do about things.  So for me, in my life right now, the best thing to do for ME is to simply lay low and keep my thoughts/feelings/opinions to myself.  Not in terms of the blog, because  God knows that is the only place I have to BE open and honest about who I am, but in my real life. 

I think what I am coming to terms with is the fact that no matter how many friends we have, no matter what our relationship status is, no matter where we are in life, we are all just kind of in this alone.  And this is something I have known on some level for most of my adult life, but it is really just kind of sinking in. 

I don’t know where I am going with this, really.  Just writing about some different and widely varied thoughts and feelings I have been having lately, and you are all the victims of this free-association.  This is one of those times where I know what I want to say, but I can’t get it down right on paper, can’t articulate well enough to even make sense.

Moving on, I have officially removed myself as a contributor from the Rocky Mountain Moms Blog, and I may be re-posting some of the things I wrote for that site.  Maybe not, as I re-read them all as I was moving them over here and realized they really aren’t that great.  I am on tenterhooks again right now because every time the phone rings, I think it is going to be either a bill collector or the court folks telling me that the sentencing hearing on Monday is going to be postponed again.  I have a fair amount of self-hatred going on right now because I feel like I just can’t do anything right, and even though I know that is MY fault, my faulty thinking, I still feel that way for the moment.  It is rainy outside today, and I can’t get a new coffee pot for at least two more weeks.  You know-it’s just life, right?


22 thoughts on “it's just life all over again

  1. Unasked for advice: Check out Goodwill for a coffee maker. They always have a bunch. I got an espresso machine there which I have used daily for years.
    Now- I think we always measure others by our own yardsticks and we all comment on others without removing the mote from our own eyes. This is human.
    I had a dear friend whom I saw making HUGE, HUGE bad decisions in her life and when I saw them affecting the safety of her child I gathered my courage and said something. She didn’t say a thing and nothing changed. I kind of just stepped back and let her lead her life. When the end of her life came, I became involved with her again and that was a blessing. But looking back, I see she was on that path and there was nothing I could have done or said to make her change. I tried. I did.
    Working on not being so judgmental is work I try to do. It’s hard. And sometimes I just call ’em as I see ’em. Depends.
    But honestly, most people do not only not WANT unsolicited advice, if they get it it only pisses them off. So- what’s the point?
    I certainly have plenty of shit of my own which needs working on.
    .-= Ms. Moon´s last blog ..I’ll Be Darned =-.

  2. It is indeed just life, and sometimes it sucks. I can completely relate with your feelings and wish I had some mighty words of wisdom to send your way. You are right though we have to live our lives and we can try to do the best we can by others but sometimes it just does not work out that way. I guess when I am feeling down and out I try to look at things from another perspective. Instead of focusing on what I don’t have I need to focus on what I do have. It is easier said than done because it seems like it is in my nature to dwell on the negative and not the positive. Anyway hope your back-up coffee pot makes it through the next two weeks. Take care.

  3. I don’t have anything poignent or unique to add to whats been said above, we might all ‘be in this alone’ and have to make the choices for yourself, but I am here supporting you and wishing and hopeing for you…I (and many others) care, even if we are not right there with you.

  4. Kori, here you are writing about how you just have to let go and let people do their thing and on the other hand, you are beating yourself up over things that you have no control over. The first takes a lot of wisdom and guts — it’s hard to let go and watch someone self-destruct. The second makes me want to shake you. You teach Hannah not to internalize things that are not her fault and here you are doing it! Sentencing stuff, bills, etc. — not. your. fault. You can only do what is in your power to do. So, pour yourself another coffee, take a sip, sigh deeply, and say, “Fuck ’em.”
    .-= Dingo´s last blog ..Fine Feathered Fiends =-.

  5. I think you’ve helped me figure out what I’ve been going through as well. Thanks for that. These feelings have been coming and going for me. I just had my son’s second birthday and all I wanted to do was go into the bathroom and cry at one point. Everyone was all happy and I was being a total buzzkill. I did get over it but I always think too much and then my thoughts get out of control. Hope this feeling passes for you and it looks like you’ve got tons of people for support.

  6. All I can say is, thank god for blogs. Where else would be able to talk about whatever we need to and know that someone, somewhere will toss a few words of wisdom our way? 🙂


  7. Hey girlie…I don’t know what kind of coffee maker you had, but my brother-in-law got us a BUNN for Christmas and I LOVE it…it has already lasted longer than any other coffee maker we’ve had before.
    (We drink A LOT of coffee…lol). They’re kind of pricey, I guess…but worth it! And it brews nearly instantly! 😀
    .-= Danielle´s last blog ..Illustrator Fun… =-.

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