The coffee pot I got for Christmas last year died last night; with a loud buzz and the immediate smell of frying electrical wires, it gave up the ghost. Thankfully I have a back-up pot, a little “four cup” (which really only makes about 1.75 cups) jobbie that will at least keep me going until another larger pot can be procured. I was definitely a slave to the coffee pot this morning, pouring my cup and then adding more water and grounds so that there would be enough coffee. Pathetic, I know, but there you go.
It has been a really strange and emotionally trying couple of days, and to be truthful, I am just not sure what to do with all of this shit floating around in my head. One of my many faults-and this is the biggest-is that I tend to see a lot of things in black and white, and it is so easy for me to see clearly what needs to be done/not done in someone else’s life that it is frustrating when I have to sit back and let them make their own decisions. Another thing I am finding out recently is that no matter how hard I try sometimes to clearly articulate why I feel the way I feel about different things, I come across as trying to tell other people what to do-even if I am not. One situation has caused a certain amount of distance between myself and a friend, another situation has cost me a friendship I hold dear, and I am sad about both.
But here is the thing I keep coming back around to: we all need to live our own lives, and make our own decisions, and no one should be punished or ostracized for those decisions. How, then, to be supportive of someone else and love them unreservedly even when the things they are doing go totally against everything I believe in? I am coming to a crossroads where I am finally facing the fact that I am just as guilty as the next person of measuring everything by my own yardstick, and the best thing for me to do is to simply stop caring. I can’t pretend to agree with the choices everyone makes, nor can I pretend to believe and feel any differently than I do about things. So for me, in my life right now, the best thing to do for ME is to simply lay low and keep my thoughts/feelings/opinions to myself. Not in terms of the blog, because God knows that is the only place I have to BE open and honest about who I am, but in my real life.
I think what I am coming to terms with is the fact that no matter how many friends we have, no matter what our relationship status is, no matter where we are in life, we are all just kind of in this alone. And this is something I have known on some level for most of my adult life, but it is really just kind of sinking in.
I don’t know where I am going with this, really. Just writing about some different and widely varied thoughts and feelings I have been having lately, and you are all the victims of this free-association. This is one of those times where I know what I want to say, but I can’t get it down right on paper, can’t articulate well enough to even make sense.
Moving on, I have officially removed myself as a contributor from the Rocky Mountain Moms Blog, and I may be re-posting some of the things I wrote for that site. Maybe not, as I re-read them all as I was moving them over here and realized they really aren’t that great. I am on tenterhooks again right now because every time the phone rings, I think it is going to be either a bill collector or the court folks telling me that the sentencing hearing on Monday is going to be postponed again. I have a fair amount of self-hatred going on right now because I feel like I just can’t do anything right, and even though I know that is MY fault, my faulty thinking, I still feel that way for the moment. It is rainy outside today, and I can’t get a new coffee pot for at least two more weeks. You know-it’s just life, right?