Numb and Tired

Okay.  I have to admit to feeling, still, a little bit numb about the results of yesterday’s events.  It isn’t as if I don’t KNOW what happened, but it still hasn’t sunk in.  And I think what I am is simply tired.  Not tired in the “oh my god I can’t DO this anymore” sense that you have all seen at different times over the last year, but simply tired in general.  Relief, probably, brought about by simple lack of feeling at the moment.  Numbness.  It is neither bad nor good, it just IS.

A complaint:  although the sentencing was on the local news last night, it was not included in the web cast of the news, so that annoyed me.  There was no mention of it in the newspaper,  neither the online version nor the actual paper edition. This made me downright mad; there have been things published about it from Day One, yet the ending isn’t?  I very politely (yes, I had someone else read it first to make sure, thankyouverymuch) emailed the Editor of the city pages, inquiring as to why there was no mention of it; I received an email in reply that was very, very vague and also pulling the “we just don’t have enough reporters to cover everything” statement.  What the fuck ever.  Still, I can’t quite muster up the energy to even reply to him; like I said, numb.

One funny thing: since CF apparently didn’t believe he was really going to jail yesterday, he drove his own car to the courthouse.  It is still parked out there, and this?  Made me laugh.  Maybe he has been able to make arrangements with someone to pick it up (though another happy little note is that he had no one in the courtroom with him yesterday.  No one), but it still makes me chuckle.  Because wouldn’t it be the icing on the cake if his car got impounded?  For some reason this strikes me as quite chuckalicious.

Anyway.  I got up this morning and I might feel numb and tired but it will pass.  There are too many other things to be doing, both with regards to this whole thing (gathering together all of the expenses incurred in the last nine months and 7 days, not that I have been counting, setting up a consultation with a REAL therapist with regards to a formal evaluation/treatment plan/estimated cost to submit to the court, etc…) and in other areas of my life, so I CAN’T be tired. 

I don’t even know what is wrong with me.  I just-I don’t know.  So since I don’t know what else to say, I won’t keep trying.  And won’t THAT be a blessing?


25 thoughts on “Numb and Tired

  1. Well first off congrats on the basset. They are great dogs, and if you have never owned one (or as basset owners say been owned by one) and need some tips then let me know. I have had bassets all my life. And now that the sentencing is done I hope you can put this chapter of your life behind you and move forward. I don’t know all of the details because I was late in the game coming over to your blog but I indeed hope everything is OK and you can move on. Take care.

    • @Mr. Shife, I posted yesterday about the sentencing should you be so inclined. Thanks for the kind words.

      Our Maggie is a pre-owned model, just over a year old. At this point she is still settling in, we have only had her for not quite a week, and the key seems to be to get her tired enough to sleep. With kids and another dog and a cat, this hasn’t been TOO horrid, yet, but I will probably be picking your ears at some point soon. I mean picking your brain, not ears. Grrr.

  2. I do hope CF’s car gets impounded that would be chuckilicious indeed. By the way, I love the word chuckilicious!

    It is quite understandable that you feel numb. And I have a real issue with the sentencing not being in the paper. That’s such a crock! They shouldn’t have put it in the paper in the first place if they didn’t intend on printing the results.

    Good luck getting all the expenses together…and I hope you are able to get some good, relaxing sleep soon. OH, and to answer your question I do stay up late and half the time I don’t even mean to! I’m tired all day until it’s time to be tired then I’m wide awake.

    • @Mrs. Ski, I think it is just a matter of processing everything, you know? And I don’t know why I am so upset about the paper; I mean, for God’s sake, he got an excellent sentence. Still, for some reason it just seems like vindication to ME. People have called Hannah names, they have called ME names or blamed this on my single-parenthood, or have implied that Hannah “asked for it,” and to have his sentence published-a HARSH sentence-somehow throws it all in “their” faces.

      I think I read that word, chuckalicious, in a Stephen King book; probably in “It,” and loved it. Really, I use it every chance I get. And by the way, his car is STILL parked out there. I wonder if I could anonymously complain about it being there?

      I slept like the dead last night; I really think that my tiredness is simply RELIEF, you know? 🙂

  3. Yes I agree with other commenters you should definitely be feeling exhausted. As for the impounding thing that would be pretty funny. 🙂

  4. Congratulations on the sentencing! I will read some of your older entries to figure out what happened.

    Do you have to do the expenses now? I think that you would feel much better if you go away and decompress for a while, allowing your body, mind and spirit to process, purge, accept and rest. You don’t have to go anywhere fancy, just some alone time would do you a world of good. You have been through quite a bit. Your life has turned the corner. It is all done. Go and sit under a tree, close your eyes, and give yourself a rest. Cry some too. Just get it all out and release it. It is over. You have won.
    .-= Claudia´s last blog ..B*tch and Moan – Day 2 =-.

    • @Claudia, There is another hearing in 30 days, so I need to have it to the court prior to that; within the next couple of weeks, anyway. But you are right, too, in that a bit of time to “decompress” would probably help immeasurably.

      Thanks for coming by; thinking of you…

  5. Rest. Take it in. You’ve been struggling with this for a long time, and now it’s over (in the legal sense anyway). That’s a bigger transition than most people realize. You’re used to worrying and being on edge about this, and as weird as it sounds, that can leave a void.
    .-= Cat´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.

  6. That is totally normal. Think about the rollercoaster of emotions you’ve been on since this all started? Of course you’re numb & tired. Part of you is afraid to feel anything because anytime you do, it lets you down.

    Take baby steps, my friend.

    I still don’t have any words for how completely happy I am for you, and especially for Hannah.
    .-= Heather´s last blog ..Scars =-.

  7. You know, this one time? A bunch of buddies and I bought 35 packages of Hydrox cookies, opened up every single cookie and stuck the side with the creme still on it all over our friend’s car. Completely covered it so you could see the car at all underneath the cookies. When he went out to clean it? Took the paint right off.

    Just sayin.
    .-= Matt´s last blog ..Bleeding Blue =-.

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