It's Not Going To Rain Today

I still don’t have the right words to tell you how I am, how I feel, what thoughts are racing through my head this last week.  I just know I am weary, and sad, and somehow broken.  It isn’t one thing, it isn’t a thousand things, it just is.  And please don’t tell me that I need anti-depressants; I am on them already, and if I weren’t, I would probably have been dead long since.  This isn’t something that medicine or therapy can fix, but instead is just part of my own nature.  I am mentally curled into the fetal position, protecting myself from any further damage.  I know this about the world, that there is a place for everyone, and I am struggling to find what that place is, where it is that I truly belong.  And I am looking at my life thinking, no, wait, this is not my life.  How can it be?  But there it is, right in front of me-and this isn’t a complaint about my life, because there is an abundance of sweetness in my life.  No, I simply don’t know what any of it means any longer. 

I have been rereading some of my old posts, which is never a good thing to do because it just makes me feel ridiculous and self-important; I am not.  I am one of a million women with stories just like my own.  How humbling, then, to realize that all of this time and energy is being wasted because of an enormously self-inflated ego!  I think that my words can change lives, I think our voices combined can make a difference, and now?  I can only laugh.  Not at any of YOU, at myself, for thinking I am so fucking great that the world will step up and notice.  Again, I am no different than thousands, millions, billions.

I don’t know.  This litany goes through my head.  I don’tknowIdon’tknowIdon’tknow.  I think of the single moms group and how hard we have all worked to be heard, and nothing has changed.  The same old arguments about how we are money hungry whores (okay, slightly paraphrasing but not by much), how we made our beds and now we have to lie in them, and the absent parent is soooo unfairly treated…and I think that I don’t have the energy to fight it anymore.  I have nothing more to say on the subject, because I am tired of getting the metaphorical shit kicked out of me.  I still care, deeply and passionately, about the issue, but I am no longer willing to be open about it because I care too much; I am too easily hurt by the cruel words of people who just think we should shut up already.  Who think we should feel grateful that any man would look at us.  that think we should be raped and killed.  And in the last 7 years, not one thing has changed.

Same with my faith; I hadn’t realized that a lot of the times if I say that I will pray for someone, it makes them uncomfortable and, yes, angry.  I recently found that out because of a comment someone made on someone else’s post that wasn’t even directed at or to me, but it opened my eyes.  Still, I say that, and I mean that, but I inadvertently found out that I really shouldn’t be saying stuff like that.  Good to know, certainly; I don’t want to make people mad when I am trying to express my sincere concern the only way I truly know how, because that sort of defeats the purpose. 

I stumble along and it really seems as if no subject is safe anymore.  I know part of that is ME, I truly do know that.  No matter how many times I have been around the block, I still have this kind of naive point of view; you know, the “even if we don’t agree we are all still people so it should be okay to disagree” kind of thing.  Naivete or stupidity, either or both.  I still, even when all evidence is to the contrary, want to believe that love really is the answer, but it isn’t.  All it does it make me more vulnerable, and fuck vulnerability these days.

I just don’t have it in me to be a fighter anymore.  My sponsor says that I am right where I need to be, and that I will have a sudden breakthrough one of these days and everything will change.  she is probably right; she has 25-ish years sober, is strong and successful and beautiful and, yes, a fighter.  I don’t know how she does it, because fuck me, I just want to lay in bed with the covers pulled over my head.  I don’t want to have another fucking breakthrough because getting there?  Hurts too bad.  Ugly things are happening every day, and nothing I can say or do changes ANY of it.  I laugh at myself for thinking I can, and step in the shit every time.  And this isn’t about any of YOU, it is about me, and I don’t know where all the fight I used to have went.  Maybe I have just used up my allotted amount of social angst already; maybe I just think that if I can’t make a BIG difference I shouldn’t even try, maybe I just need a break from reality for awhile.  There is that litany again, Idon’tknowIdon’tknowIdon’tknow.

I went to the river at lunch today; it is cold, and it has been cloudy all morning, but I needed to get out of the office and away from people.  While I was sitting there, watching the gray waves lap up against the bank and thinking about how small and insignificant we really are, the sun broke through the clouds.  Two weeks ago I would have thought, perhaps, that it was a portent of things to come, a metaphor for my life, but now?  I think it’s just science; the clouds break up and the sun shines through and all that means is that it isn’t going to rain today.

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26 thoughts on “It's Not Going To Rain Today

  1. As far as writing goes, that last paragraph is just absolutely gorgeous.

    I, too, have been feeling recently that I have to watch every damn thing I say/write because I have a few people in my life who are taking EVERYTHING the wrong way… and then try to make me feel like shit, not for my intent, but for their perception. I feel you because I am sick and tired of walking on egg shells around others worrying about whether I’m going to piss them off. And that just sucks. I mean, I f*cking cry on my way home from work every day because I feel like I’m an asshole or I have nothing going for me… and I get mad that I let those people make me feel this way in the first place.

    Last weekend I went out with a different set of friends than usual, and I had an amazing time with them because they laughed with me and didn’t take anything seriously. It was easy and fun. Maybe, if you can, mix it up and get out with your girlfriends for a day or an evening.

    I love you!!

  2. I don’t know exactly what you’re saying, but I get parts of it. I get the I don’t know, where did my fierce warrior woman go, who is this prickly unhappy person living in my skin, nothing matters and what if it did, antidepressents aren’t the answer and what is even the question parts, or at least my interpretation of what you’re saying.

    I wish that there was a way to erase the feeling you get when you read a hurtful comment, because I’ve flung myself out into the internet social whirl and recoiled many times from it. It’s a little like life, it’s hard to find a safe place sometimes. But I keep coming back for the honesty. To be reminded that I’m not the only person who feels broken somedays. To listen to other people tell me their stories and put mine in perspective or share a moment. It helps with the isolation that womanhood, motherhood and life keep flinging at me. I don’t think that any of us are going to change the world, it’s going to keep spinning and people are going to just keep being people, but there are moments of grace that help get me through, and I seem to find more of them in here than out there. (Did you see Nie on Oprah? Dang, I should jump for joy every morning, she is so brave and has so much pain to bear that I am humbled) Anyway, I’m practically clueless, as usual, I’m late to the party and missed most of the drama, but I wanted to say that maybe on a less cloudy day, you will have a different perspective and keep blogging as it suits you, for you. I still struggle with posting anything on my blog, as I never intended an audience for anything but the book reviews. But it seems to calm the chatter in my head to type it out, and sometimes, somebody says me too and it helps. I believe your sponsor is on to something though, things always seem to digress before they progress, the no pain no gain cliche.
    Wishing you some sunny days, and some gain for your pain,
    Mel

  3. Kori – to the person who made that comment, fuck them! Seriously! I mean, I’m an atheist and I don’t get offended if you or someone says they’ll pray for me. That’s bullshit.
    And it hurts me in my heart to hear you say you don’t think you’re a fighter. Because to me, you’re one of the best.
    I love you.
    .-= April´s last blog ..Just a quick hello =-.

    • @April, It really and honestly wasn’t directed at me, at all, I don’t even know the person-but it made me realize how very upset people DO get if someone says something like that. You really are amazingly open for an atheist; not open in the sense of “open to the idea of God” but in the things people say with good intent. Which is one of the things I love most about you.

  4. I really haven’t even read this post yet, but I wanted to tell you I saw your other comment over at Ms Moon’s –well, her blog, not at her house 😉

    Anyway–keep writing. I haven’t read all that long, but I get invested in people who I get to “know” and it always makes me kinda sad if they disappear! (Of course, this coming from the girl who hasn’t blogged in a week).

    So -stick around. I always want to hear what you have to say.
    .-= SJ´s last blog ..Marriage, and everything else I don’t know. =-.

    • @SJ, Thanks, SJ. I am just in that place where it’s like, why do this? Why would anything I have to say mean anything to the world at large? Because I am not all that special, and certainly no different than lots and lots of other people I know.

  5. Well, it’s sort of like this–you don’t really blog (at least, ok, I don’t) because you want to change the world with it. You use it as a way to connect with people, form a little community of people who want to read your writing and by default, start caring about your life. And so, YES, that makes you special.

    I mean, I love my best friends like crazy. And yet, there are billions of women in the world–why not just go find some others to love like crazy? Because they’re not THEM. The whole world might not give a rats ass what they have to say, but I do. And that’s all that matters sometimes.

    If that made any sense at all, and I feel sure it did not, I am basically meaning that because people who care about YOU care about YOUR words. That’s all just in relation to the blog. As far as changing the world at large? Fucked if I know how to do that. We just can’t. But we can try, every day to change our little world we live in, make our environment the best way we know, and only try to control what is in our power to control.

    I am really rambling today =)
    .-= SJ´s last blog ..Marriage, and everything else I don’t know. =-.

  6. I know that right now you feel as though you aren’t accomplishing much (in the areas of your blog). You have no idea how much you ARE accomplishing. You have a numerous readers who come here for one reason…to hear YOUR story. You are an inspiration to many because you choose to fight back! You stand up for what you believe in and that helps any woman who have been in (or are currently in) the same situation. You show that the road is hard, bumpy, and long but one is able to travel it. We can make it to the finish line. It helps knowing that there is someone out there who we can turn to, who would understand us, who can help us fight.

    As for the prayer thing…so what if they get mad. You mean well…and what they don’t realize is that your prayers (wanted or not) may be what helps them get through their struggle.

  7. Oh Wow, Kori– Huge hugs to you… And, as I’ve said before, your words, friendship and courage have truly inspired me, so yes–you may be only 1 of a million who has your story…but you are the only ONE who has walked in your shoes. Sometimes, maybe we don’t let each other know enough, what an inspiration we women are to eachother.
    Sometimes I’ve found that taking life only a day at a time is a bit too much–sometimes, living moment to moment is much easier to digest. And, as far as your faith goes, I know that God has used you to His good–in so many ways….
    Big hugs to you, too, today!
    .-= Juls´s last blog ..A Big Party & Strength =-.

  8. {first, your feed or my reader is totally fucked up and isn’t picking up your posts, wtf? sorry i’m so late here}

    i totally get where you’re coming from when you talk about reading your old posts, once feeling like you could change the world and laughing at yourself. i’ve written so many posts that make me cringe ~ as if my opinion would make any difference. i was so passionate about my rants at the time and i realized people just read them, gave me a pat on the back and walked away unchanged.

    i even did it a few days ago and finally thought to myself “this is stupid and pointless, i can’t and won’t change anyone, i’m not doing this anymore” and i’m done. honestly … some bloggers think we’re changing the world … {and oh man, mommy bloggers taking over the world *gag me*} and we’re not and they’re not. to think anything different would be “self important”. just my 2 cents.

    but the fires, fights and passion CAN change people ~ maybe one or two in some vague way … hell, they might not even remember that post for months and then go back and it means a whole other thing to them ~ and that is incredible. but thinking we can change an entire mindset is delusional in my opinion.

    that said, my new mantra is, “be the change i want to see in the world” … and it’s satisfying. i can still go off on rants and opinionated posts, but i won’t expect change. i’ll just live what i preach and that alone is good; i can still be a fighter, but without expectation … and in that i couldn’t care less how people try and knock me down. over the past year i’ve been knocked down, kicked in the face, spit on, shamed and laughed at out here in blog world and i’m stronger, wiser and better for it. my backbone is indestructible because i’ve forgiven everyone including me, have stopped taking myself so seriously and have begun thinking with an open mind. if someone comments on my blog or elsewhere something shitty, i forgive them for their dysfunction and don’t allow it to make more than a gently ripple on the surface of the water; letting things make a bigger, deeper impact is soul and spirit damaging, IMO. if your heart tells you to send prayers up for a person, i think you should do so and say it with no mind to what anyone thinks. share your prayers an opinions and thoughts and never stop, girl.

    i promise you there will be a point of clarity and focus for you in the future; i think what you’re doing right now – thinking and contemplation – are important steps in getting there.

    and personally, i adore the fighter in you and wouldn’t want to say goodbye to that fire anytime soon.
    .-= Huckdoll´s last blog ..unoffical friday fragments =-.

  9. I hear you, Kori. In fact, I am right there with you. However, I have crossed the road. This week has taught me NOT TO GIVE A F***.

    You may ask, “Well Claudia, what exactly do you mean by that?” I will tell you.

    No one truly appreciates or values the contribution of others, especailly when done voluntarily. In most cases, folks love you as long as you continue to bend over and cry into your pillow. However if you take your face out of your pillow and say, “Ouch. That hurts a little. Can you be a bit more gentle and ease in?” you are now the bad guy. Your a selfish bitch who only cares about yourself, and has never done nothing for anyone but yourself. Now all of your addictions are an issue, but when you were takin it in the patoutty, you were fine.

    It is funny how fast people can turn on you and take sides, leaving you all alone. The art of spin is amazing. Ass whooping accepted and deserved.

    Oh wait, sorry. This is not about me.

    In any case, do stuff for you. You cannot do anything for anyone else. Your actions may or may not create a tangible difference in the world. Say what you have to say and move on. People say when you expect nothing you get nothing in return. Perhaps, but hey. I sure as hell feel better!

    Kori, people are very self centered and selfish, me too. We devalue others to make ourselves seem bigger, better and holier than others. My family taught me this lesson yesterday. It was a good lesson too. Now, I know that I can take pretty much anything. I don’t care about much anymore. If I wake up, I wake up and go through the day. If I don’t, well ain’t too much I can do about it.

    So girl get on this blog and bitch. BITCH until the cows come home. What you say is true and valid for you and many others who read your rantings, for they are ours as well.

    Oops… What is this? Did you make a DIFFERENCE in someone’s life? Well how about that? I guess when you expect nothing, you can possibly get something you never expected in return! 😉

    Love ya babe. Keep hope alive. (J. Jackson)

    Claudia
    .-= Claudia´s last blog ..Home =-.

  10. Not much in this world makes sense. I often sit in my car while driving and ponder what I’m really supposed to be doing, how I’m supposed to feel, react, and what part I really play in anyone’s life.

    The only thing that keeps me going…even though I don’t typically remember it when shit hits the fan is that there is no point in worrying/being anxious about anything because in the grand scheme the things I worry about never come to pass and if they do I just have to cross that bridge when it comes because it won’t go away unless I take that first step over it.

    You are a fighter, Kori. Bottom line. Don’t listen to anyone who isn’t supporting you, encouraging you and loving you…it’s not worth your time.
    .-= Mrs. Ski´s last blog ..Ridayfay Ragmentsfay =-.

  11. I’m going to give you an assignment. Instead of idontknowidontknowidontknow I want you to say fuckemfuckemfuckem.

    Oh, and I’ve long ago stopped reading blogs where the ranting is self-important and poor-me-ish. You are not in that category. You are real. You are genuine. And the crazy thing is, you don’t even know how many people love you and wish that you lived closer so we could go for a cup of coffee/tea.
    .-= Dingo´s last blog ..I’m Totally RAD =-.

  12. I would definitely have to agree with people building themselves up to look better. I don’t have an issue with someone saying they’ll pray for me. But I do have a problem when my family says it. Instead of praying for me how about you help me out. You know like by watching my son for like $100 less or actually going out and saving some money so you can help towards car repairs since you basically drove the damn thing for a year and let me stop here b/c I’m getting angry. I have no fight left in me either so to combat it I am moving away. You are a fighter Kori even if you feel like you have no fight left.

    Sorry for the tangent..

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