For the life of me, I can’t figure out why I don’t react to normal things in any semblance of a normal manner. Last night I was rushing home to drop the kids off so that I could go pick up Steve and be back to town in time to go to Hannah’s Parent-Teacher Conference; as I was turning at the light about two blocks from home, I ran over something that I clearly didn’t see-and immediately felt the tire puncture. We made it home, but I could hear the air whooshing out as I drove, and as soon as I parked and got out, well, there you go-totally flat tire. The thing I had run over was a chunk of some kind of metal, about the size of half my fist-and it totally ruined the tire. You know, one of the still-not-even-a-year-old-tires I bought at the end of January. Blah blah, cry me a fucking river, right? I have a full sized-spare, so at least I can get around, but the tire is un-fixable and I don’t have $200 with which to buy a new one.
Then I went in the house and Hannah informed me that she thinks there is something wrong with the washer. Understatement of the year; there is water pouring out the bottom. Same thing happened to my OLD washer, so I had to get this new used one, and have had it for only just over a year. It costs $50 to have someone come look at it, and then of course finding a part for it (come on, I think the new used one I got was 40 years old already). And no, it isn’t a hose loose, it is something to do with the motor. It has been kind of limping along for about three or four months now, not wanting to spin correctly or not draining the water completely so that I have to re-spin the load-so it has only been a matter of time. Still, it isn’t a great thing at all; we don’t have money to get a new one nor get this one fixed at this point in time.
So those two things, along with an email from child support services that said, “Hey, that case that we thought would be settled this month isn’t, in fact, going to settle, so check back in another month,” have just thrown me for a loop. It isn’t like I was waiting on pins and needles every day for this huge amount of money to show up (and the reality is that it isn’t THAT huge an amount, we aren’t talking hundreds of thousands of dollars or anything), but sure, the thought was there. And it wasn’t so much the money itself but the idea of having the burden of poverty lifted off me for a time, and also perhaps the opportunity to go away for at least a weekend with Steve, and get the kids new clothes. I know better than to have hope about things like that, but still, the thought was there, right? How could it not be?
But anyway, this is what I mean when I say I don’t react to normal things in a normal way. See, these are all just things that happen; I know that. I GET that, I really do. The thigns that happen aren’t spectacular, but I fall apart. And I get disgusted with myself, and depressed, because money issues scare me. Yes, things are way better than they were last year at this time, as most of you know. Instead of paying out $700 a month in the ex’s bill, I am now down to paying $357.03; progress, right? So I get that, too-but our budget does not stretch to fixing a tire AND a washer in the same day. It really and truly doesn’t.
So I was up too late last night, having gnawed my fingernails down to the nub and tossed and turned, trying to figure out how this is all going to work itself out. So what if we don’t get to go away, right? Not a big deal. More important to have clean clothes and a safe vehicle in which to drive. So the kids won’t get new clothes; the thrift store clothes are fine for me, they should be fine for the kids as well. Steve had called DirectTV to reschedule the installation for this coming Saturday, so we called and cancelled completely (and I had had enough time to resign myself to getting it that now I am actually a little disappointed), and really, in so many ways it just feels futile to EVEN hope or plan for anything to change. And that’s where I am at today; I might feel better if I could cry, or be angry, or DO something-but instead I just feel dead and numb inside and just-fuck it.
Sigh…I know, I know. Like I was telling April last night (and thank you for being so available to me whenever my life goes to shit; I love you!), I know I just need to put my big girl panties on and just DEAL-I know that. I GET that. I just can’t seem to DO it anymore, you know?