It feels good to have Monday roll back around; it was also good to have the long four day weekend, of course, but I tend to do better in general when I have a prescribed routine to follow. The last two weeks, things have been “off,” due to first my illness and then the Thanksgiving weekend, so it will be really good to have to get back into the work/school/daycare routine. By about Wednesday, I am pretty sure I will be chomping at the bit for the weekend to get here, but for now, I will revel in the return to ordinary life.
On Friday, I went to lunch with my friend/sponsor P. I really didn’t want to go, still struggling with some different things, but I forced myself to get out of the house and felt a lot better for it. When I have different things going on that are causing me emotional pain, my first instinct is to crawl into a metaphorical ball, protecting all my soft parts from further damage, but of course that isn’t good for me and I know it. So we went to lunch, and it was good to talk to someone who really gets me. We didn’t talk in great detail about anything in particular, just played catch-up, basically, but it was still enough to help me feel better.
Then, I went to the Friday AA meeting to get my ten-year medallion. I very carefully did my hair and put make-up on (another thing I need to do when I am feeling emotional unrest; it does help to make an effort to look good, to remind myself that when I feel the absolute worst, I still deserve tender self-care), and basically suited up and showed up-very important. It was good; J. had made me a chocolate cake, and the heavey metal medallion was a tangible reminder of how hard I have had to work to get there. Also, someone I really love and admire in the program said to me that he has watched me get through some really crappy times with grace and dignity, and there is no higher praise to me than that. I am not a joiner, per se, I have no real interest in sponsoring people (because I am so whacked out most of the time that I am NOT a good example of a woman in recovery), I don’t go to the majority of the AA social functions, so it isn’t as if there are 30 people there just waiting to tell me how great I am. But this man, he is pretty special, and recognizes that truly, grace and dignity are what I aspire to (even though I don’t do well with it much of the time), so that was wonderful. At the end of the evening, I was glad I had gone, and equally glad I got it over with. I can push to the back of my mind, again, the fact that my family just doesn’t get it, and can forget for another year that they don’t WANT to get it. Sometimes that is the best I can do, you know?
The rest of the weekend was basically spent just hanging around. We cleaned up some, watched some TV, I read an entire book, you know-just stuff. We did get our Christmas tree up and decorated yesterday, and it does look nice. We go for simple-red and green lights, red bulbs, and very few of those, and one thin garland. With Steve here now, of course there are lights around the ceilingof the living room, but whatever; it looks very festive. In fact, this is the first year in three that we have had a tree at our own house. In the old place, with my bed in the living room, there was just not room for a tree, so Steve always put the tree up at his house and we spent Christmas Eve over there. The kids were always pretty understanding of it, knowing well how very little room we had, but of course were always some disappointed. So needless to say, they are really excited this year to have it up and smelling good and looking wonderful. Sam keeps saying, “This is going to be the best Christmas ever,” so I hope that things transpire to make that happen for him. I bit the bullet, too, and broached the idea of inviting Steve’s mom and step-dad over for dinner on Christmas Eve. He hasn’t talked to them yet, and it isn’t likely that they will come, but at least then I can’t be accused of hating them and never making an effort (because of course it is always my fault that I feel like shit whenever we all get together, right? And sometimes it IS, my own fears and insecurities getting in the way, but a lot of the time it just really isn’t me), so we shall see how that pans out.
And yes, another week beginning. I still have work to catch up on, both from being sick and from the short work week, so I imagine I will be busy-and busy is always good.