In Which I Alienate My friends

Okay.  There are a few things that have been, well, bugging the shit out of me a little bit lately.  Just throwing that out there right from the get go.  I haven’t felt the need for a disclaimer for quite some time, but here it is: this is just my opinion.  If you recognize yourself in something I write here today, and you are my friend, I don’t mean you.  Or if I do, you already know it. 

***What the hell?  Stop writing shitty blog posts about what an asshole your husband is in an effort to be funny.  Which is different than talking about a real problem about money or the kids or he might be having an affair or you are thinking about having an affair because the love, she is gone.  That is real life stuff, stuff that affects each of us in different ways and deserves to be talked about with respect and caring.  The whole “My husband is such an asshole because he bought the wrong kind of coffee/milk/diapers/toilet paper, and then he put a load of laundry in and shrunk my best shirt what a dick” stuff just isn’t all that funny to me. 

***If you are a single mom and all you write about is sex and partying, you are fulfilling the stereotypical view society has about single moms.  Yes, you bet we should be women as well as mothers, single or not.  Yes, you bet we have the same right to indulge in one-night-stands or that horrible phrase “friends with benefits,” and shouldn’t be cast aside for being sexual, sensual women.  I get that, boy do I get that.  However, don’t write about how much you feel looked down on and hurt by this patriarchal society one day, then write about being totally wasted and hung over the next day.  Really.  If you need to talk and act like a cheap three dollar hooker, please don’t do it in the same breath as talking about your kids.  Just sayin.  For the record, I also don’t read married mom blogs that talk all about the same stuff; I like subtle references and quiet funnies, not the really outre stuff about sex.

***What is the deal with the website, Aiming Low?  I read a post last week that actually offended me, which is unusual, so I spent a good part of today scrolling through the archives to see if it was just that particular post.  While it WAS, in fact, the only one that really bothered me, which indicates that it touched something inside myself, well, I personally don’t get the appeal.  There are all of these wonderful writers and strong women who are vying for some kind of celebrity status by embracing mediocrity and, well, aiming low.  I don’t know; I don’t get this.  We all have shitty parenting moments or days or weeks or hell, years.  And like the marital problems or issues, these things need to be out in the open and talked about honestly.  However, trying to be the best shittiest parent around isn’t cool, especially when you go over the top in an effort, you guessed it, to be funny. 

***I was touched pretty deeply by an ongoing debate over at Ms. Moon’s pad, which was inspired by a post over at Just Eat It.  And if you want to go read both the posts, you will know.  The more I think about it, the more I believe that while every single baby deserves the best start in life possible, while drug-addicted mothers should be held criminally responsible for using while pregnant, nobody has the right to force a woman to be sterilized.  Even though there are all of these convincing, heartfelt reasons why this should maybe be okay, there is still such a huge part of me that  thinks that nobody should be allowed to tell a woman what she can and can’t do with her body.  If abortion is such a huge issue for some, the pro-choice folk anyway (of which I am one), the argument being that it is a woman’s right to decide what happens to her body, well, the same reasoning should apply to childbirth.  Such a sticky issue, because I know well that sometimes having children is not the best decision for ANYONE concerned.  But if the government can make that decision for drug-addicted women, what is to stop them from making that decision for, say, a woman who already had four children?  A woman who is physically disabled?  Just because they think we have enough progeny in our country? (hello, China?).  So even though I get the reasons behind the opinions, it just doesn’t work for me.  Even though.

***Holy mother of god, would y’all stop with the damn TV show recaps?  I know I have written this before, but it bears saying again.  If I wanted to hear all about what went on during a particular TV show, I imagine I would have already watched it, or DVR’d it, or YouTubed it.  Please.

***I believe in God, and my god is a pretty liberal dude with, I don’t know, maybe an earring or two and big, working man’s hands.  He really just loves everyone.  However, I don’t think He really approves of showing up at a church Halloween party dressed like a stripper, complete with dollar bills hanging out of the bodice.  I ALSO think He might have shuddered a little upon hearing, “It’s either leave the bills where they are or everyone gets to see my nipples.  You pick.” 

***I hate Chijuhahas   Chihuahjas  those little tiny yapping dogs that look like rats.  Can anyone tell me what the real appeal is? 

***I don’t believe that anyone just “falls out of love.”  I believe that the romantic, fluttery, infatuated feelings change over time, and that is when people start to realize that perhaps their spouse/partner/lover isn’t perhaps perfect.  I believe that love is a feeling, sure, but it is also a lot of work, and involves a certain amount of choice.  So maybe there isn’t quite as much bloom on the rose as there was in the beginnig; is that worth throwing away some years of a good marriage?  I don’t know.  Barring abuse or addiction or a number of other equally detrimental issues that make staying in a marriage/relationship detrimental to all parties, I really think most problems/issues can and should be worked out.  I hear this, “He is my best friend, I just don’t feel the same passion!” and I am thinking,”So do whatever it takes to spice up that part of your life, but why would you NOT want to be married to your best friend?”  Perhaps, even after two marriages, I have an idealized view of it all, though.

And please, folks, this is just stuff floating through my head.  I love each and every one of my readers, and none of this is specifically directed at any one of you.  Just stuff that has been a little bit under my skin lately.  Just my opinion, nothing more.  And in case your suggestion is that I just don’t have to READ these things, you are right-and I haven’t been. These are just a few things that have been floating around in my head as of late, and I haven’t got it in me to write a whole, real, cohesive kind of post today.

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45 thoughts on “In Which I Alienate My friends

  1. You said it when you said it involves a certain amount of choice. If someone has chosen to stop trying, that’s their choice. I don’t think abuse or addiction are the only valid reasons for leaving. It’s what’s valid to all of us. Because, as you said with the whole birth issue, we wouldn’t want divorce to ONLY be limited to those who can prove abuse or addiction, right?
    I know, it’s just your opinion and you know I love you and am not offended by this. Just adding my own two cents.
    If they’re just recaps then, yeah, that’s boring. But I do read someone’s opinion on what they thought of the show – and then add my two cents to that, too!
    Any blogger (single mom or bad mother or whatever) that isn’t honest quickly loses my interest.
    .-= April´s last blog ..My Super Mommy Powers =-.

    • @April, No, I don’t think that in order to get a divorce, ANY proof should have to be given, despite my feelings on marriage itself. I think that everyone has their own valid reasons, even though I personally don’t think lack of passion is really very valid; that just seems like an excuse to me. So does “falling out of love,” but again, since I don’t believe that love is really a feeling so much as it is a choice, again, this is just me. But to have some man in a black robe tell anyone, male or female, that they CAN’T get a divorce because there is no proof of adbuse or infidelity or addiction? Hells no. I really believe that for divorcing couples, “Irreconcilable Differences” are two of the best words in the dictionary.

      • @kori, I remembered one more thing I was going to say about love. Have you ever read bell hooks’ all about love? It’s all about how love is an action verb, and that love and respect can’t be mutually exclusive. It’s awesome. Wouldn’t you know, though, I lent it to X. Take a wild guess if I ever got it back!
        .-= April´s last blog ..My Super Mommy Powers =-.

      • @April, I actually got one at the thrift store last weekend; I can’t wait to read it. Because I remember you and I talking about her books a long time ago, and I saw it and HAD to have it.

  2. You’ve read my blog (thanks!), and you (probably) know I write for Aiming Low. I’m totally NOT offended that you’re speaking your mind. You have more ballz than me, lady!

    The point of Aiming Low (and really, just MY take) is to write about the realness of living, not the happy-happy fun-time. It’s not to glorify mediocrity; it’s to recognize that it’s OK to be average and we don’t have to feel bad for not being the best of the best.

    I don’t relish in TRYING to be the shittiest parent. I just realize I’m not the best at everything and fail sometimes. I try to make it funny and make myself feel better that I’m not alone.

    Also, I’d LOOOOVE to know which post offended you last week.
    .-= Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last blog ..It’s stupid hot here, and send your dismembered body parts for humping. =-.

    • @Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing], I will email you the one that offended me. 🙂 And I know several (you included) women who write for Aiming Low and I “get” the being funny parts of it-life sucks sometimes and it IS funny a lot of the time. Like, today Owen dressed himself-he is three-and I didn’t have the energy in me to EVEN care, so he went to daycare in green speedo-looking shorts (size 18 months, no less) and an orange tie-dyed t-shirt, his socks pulled up to his knees. And over the top he had a nice warm sweater with a hunting dog and a dead duck on it. Does it make me feel like a less than perfect parent? you bet-but it is, in fact, funny.

      Ballsy? Bwahahahahha…do you know the amount of anxiety I am suffering for having hit publish on this one?

  3. One of the reasons I hate Halloween is because it’s an excuse for some females to be as slutty as possible. Seriously. If I do go to a Halloween party, I’m pretty much the only female there NOT dressed like a slut. HATE it. (Therefore I usually don’t go out on Halloween.) Sure, I support feeling confident and sexy, but let’s have some respect for ourselves ladies!!
    .-= Julie´s last blog ..100 Things About Me – The Giveaway Edition =-.

    • @Julie, Exaclty; I don’t think I am any less sensual for dressing the way I do. I mean, I don’t need to look like a hootch in order to feel sexy. I have more respect for myself and my body than that. Also, I have more respect for my partner than that; what lies beneath my clothes is for his eyes only; I don’t feel the need to share it with the public in general. And please know I am not talking about a little bit of leg or some cleavage; a little bit of that can be sexy and classy. Just-no crotch-showing shorts and hooker boots and bodices that don’t hide a thing. Ugh.

  4. In the same vein as falling out of love… I think from a biochemical perspective, yeah, it makes it seem like we fall out of love after a certain time. But I think that some people have the right combination of hardwiring and emotional intelligence to work through that and some people don’t, and that’s where the phrase “falling out of love” comes from.

    I run into the husband kvetching thing on a mommy message board I visit. Once I came thisclose to responding something to the effect of “has he ever tried to kill you? Do you think he’d hurt your child? Have you ever been chased out of your home at 3am with a gun? No? Then shut up.” But like you said, everyone has their own problems. Bitching for the sake of bitching and trying to make it funny is decidedly unfunny.
    .-= Cat´s last blog ..Toddler Time? =-.

    • @Cat, I simply think it is a matter of the infatuation and lust phase changing into the real deal-and too many times people see that as falling out of love, when it is REALLY just the infatuation phase is over. And like you said, some people have what it takes, or a combination of two people have what it takes, to work through that.

      Well, and also there is the simple matter of, “Do you know how many people would LOVE to have a husband? Even if he didn’t buy the right kind of coffee?”

    • @Danielle, And I love that even when you aren’t feeling what you think you “should” be feeling, you just keep processing and writing about it and living. I have a shitload of respect and admiration for you.

  5. Well you know I am not offended. And I love that you spoke your mind here (after all…if you don’t speak it here, where ARE you gonna speak it?)

    Sometimes as I go through my reader, I wonder WTF?! And then I give said blogger a few tries to redeem themselves. Sometimes they do, and sometimes they doesn’t. But like you, it’s my opinion, and I’m sure SOMEBODY must love it just not me. *shrugs*

    You can be sure I’ll be back to read your rants, even if they ARE about me. LOL. But I hope they aren’t…
    .-= Lynette´s last blog ..Still here =-.

    • @Lynette, Well, while we are on the subject… ) TOTALLY teasing. Honestly, none of htis is even really directed at any specific person; just stuff I have been reading in the past few months. And I did go through and delete a couple from my reader.

  6. You will never, ever find me loving on a little dog in my lap. I can’t stand them; they remind me of babies, and while I love babies, I always hand them back.

    Mark and I made a promise to each other 20 years ago-if we are ever not meeting each other’s needs (which could lead to our having them met elsewhere), we owe it to each other to SAY SO, not HINT or AVOID. Our marriage is a treasure. We need to take care of it with the same respect we would give anything we care about. So far, we’ve been meeting each others needs (all of them) just fine, so it’s working 🙂
    .-= Mrs4444´s last blog ..Tuesday Treasure =-.

    • @Mrs4444, I think that a lot of the time, people tend to devaluse what they have in their home and ALSO neglect to communicate; I know this is one of my big ones, and in fact I still remember a comment you wrote about that very thing, and it has caused me to realy, really work on that part of the relationship.

  7. Hey … whatever friends you may lose from writing that post, I will be your constant friend one hundred times over for writing that post. Loved it!

    100% agreement on every point up there. And there’s no place in my life for aiming anywhere but high ~ like kiss the fucking sky high ~ so I fill my life with that. The humor in the whole lazy housewife, sloth, bad mom trend is lost on me but the majority of these women are stay at home mommy bloggers trying to make a buck on the internet. Their readership is other mommy bloggers. So all these mommy bloggers sit around on the internet all day long writing and reading about shit that slid/didn’t get done while they were on Twitter all day and it’s okay to embrace those failures. I know! Confusing. But it makes them feel good about themselves so whatever 🙂

    Oh, and love/falling in/out of love (it’s my forte) … my take is this. I don’t believe you can have a good relationship without a certain amount of passion – or maybe that’s just me, but I doubt it. That passion isn’t based on being in love though, rather being selfless and giving. That should translate really well in the bedroom until the day he loses his Viagra bottle.

    Thing is … Western society and it’s whole notion of romantic love shouldn’t even exist in my opinion. It’s nice and fluffy and exciting in the beginning, yeah … but that chemical rush isn’t meant to last more than a year or two.

    It’s years later that marriages get in trouble and it’s sad; romantic love and passionate sex is still everywhere you look in the movies and music, and your marriage looks boring, sex is scheduled or non-existent and all of a sudden, people are falling out out love with their spouses. It’s so common.

    Now, if only people based their sexual and martial relationships on deep compassion, kindness and selfless giving right from the get go, then the divorce rate would be far lower and the happiness rate would skyrocket because their would be no expectation of anything more or less than that deep connection.

    But no, we “fall out of love” and start searching for the big soul mate, romance, dreamy thing and it ultimately leads to disappointment when we find that and in two years we’re bored again … or we take our partners for granted, stop giving, become selfish, become a taker, stop acknowledging and start treating them like shit (see above point about writing shitty blog posts about husband) and all crumbles. (and wow, people are shocked when this happens which I find highly comical)

    Anyway, no … no such thing as falling out of love. I ain’t buying what they’re selling.

    (Whoa, I should use my comment here for my next blog post … sorry ’bout that)
    .-= Huckdoll´s last blog ..silence is golden =-.

    • @Huckdoll, There are a lot of different things I could say in response to this comment but the thing that struck me the most is the one I will go with. Absolutely I think there needs to be passion, so I perhaps misspoke there. But if you have all of this other stuff, the respect and the compassion and all that, then doesn’t the passion naturally go hand in hand with that? Or rather naturally follow that? I think that it is all wound together in this intricate circle; if I give my partner everything I want in the relationship, he in turn wants to do the same, and then I want to give more, and so on. It follows into the intimate part of the relationship as well-if I look at him and am still just as attracted to him as I was when we met, it might be for different reasons (because in the beginning there is always lust, right?), but it is still there, and he responds to that.

      • @kori, Exactly. Two people deeply compassionate, kind, understanding and giving only translates into goodness in the bedroom, thus eliminating the notion of romantic love, falling in love and falling out of love…and shrinking the divorce rate.

        Last night I thought about my comment and wondered if I had just said the exact same thing you did in one hundred more words 🙂

  8. I tend to hit the *delete* button when there’s a “my husband’s an asshole” post. It’s disrespectful to the hubs ~ and HELLOOOO, proclaiming that your life partner isn’t all that he used to be , or what you thought he could be ~ well you (the writer, not YOU, Kori, pardon my grammar) married him, so what does that make you?
    Those posts never fail to get under my skin.

    TV show updates? Delete.

    Kori’s posts? Keepers. Always something interesting. Even if it’s ranting about a crotchety washing machine.

    • @Linda, And I will reiterate that I believe we need to talk about our relationships sometimes, because they ARE such a huge part of people’s lives. If I am struggling, I will probably write about it, because whether people know it or not, every commment, good bad or neutral, is read and thought about and I have definitly gotten support and help from talking about that stuff. But talking with friends or blogging about my partner in a genuine effort to process and figure it out is a lot different than the husband bashing, you know?

    • @Linda, I can’t recall whether I already replied to this, but wanted to say thank you for your kind words. And also, okay, everyone can act like an asshole sometimes, so I don’t mean that I believe anyone should only portray the goodness and light-that isn’t reality at all. But-well, I know you know what I meant when I said that.

  9. I love this post. I like it when people have an opinion and actually post it. Why else have blogs? I’m often worried about offending people, too, but then after a while nothing of value can be said any more.

    I particularly like the husband-stuff (actually, the other stuff, too, but you know – this is your blog and all, so no 500 word replies 🙂 ) – I hate it when husbands are criticised all the time. I actually let mine read some of my posts before publishing because I want him to be happy about them. I imagine they’re all women who never trust their husbands to look after the kids in any meaningful way and then later on go around being a martyr because he “never helps out”. Also? The divorce thing? I know someone who got divorced because she was bored. If I got divorced every time I was bored… You just make things better, right?

    Anyway, before I get to the 500 word mark – lovely post.
    .-= Mwa´s last blog ..Losing it =-.

    • @Mwa, “You just make things better, right?”-absolutely. If that means you take a trip together to reconnect, sit down and prioritize, have a date night, stop talking long enough to listen, wear a “costume” to bed-you do whatever it takes.

  10. Kori- I love you for that post. I agree with you on everything. Well, maybe except the enforced sterilization issue. I’m not saying enforced sterilization is the answer but I think that yes, while she has the right to have all the sex she wants with HER body, she doesn’t have the right to create babies who will suffer forever with that same body.
    BUT- you rock. You say what you feel. You think about things. You think about them from your brain, your gut, your heart, your soul.
    This is why you are special and true.
    .-= Ms. Moon´s last blog ..Whalon Grady Is Here =-.

    • @Ms. Moon, I know that we can both respectfully agree to disagree on the subject of sterilzation. 🙂 One of the things someone else said is that sex offenders are required to be chemically castrated, so women should be required to undergo sterilization, and that is wrong. Sex offenders AREN’T required to be chemically castrated, at least not in Idaho, because all that does is make them unable to get it up; they still have hands and whatever, and they use them. Bah-I digress. I just wonder if anyone has offered that woman the option; if, as Michelle has indicated, she is not on any kind of public assistance, why DOESN’T someone from health and welfare say, “We will provide for you at no cost an operation to make sure you don’t have any more drug addicted children.” In the long run, it would totally save tax-payer dollars, and would also perhaps give this woman an opportunity to be educated about the ramifications of her drug use-not on her, but on those babies. Do I think that she is wrong for having all those kids? Absolutely; there is not a doubt in my mind. I just also shy away from the government taking away that right, because it will follow that they can tell anyone at any time that they have to be sterilized.

      In Idaho, if a child has been tested and has been found to have drugs in it’s system, the mother immediately faces criminal charges and, of course, the child is taken away. Perhaps a better solution would be to make that a federal mandate, and also have the punishments more severe? I don’t know; there are no easy answers, that is for sure.

      And by the way, the fact that you are willing to come here and also express your opinions and beliefs and stand up for them makes YOU the one who rocks; thank you for trusting me enough to be able to do that. It is an honor I don’t take lightly.

    • @Aunt Becky, I haven’t seen her in forever, either. Kind of worried.

      and you have to resubscribe; the whole feed was all sorts of fucked up so Mr. Lady had to go in and fix it, but it meant that everyone had to re-hit the button. 🙂

  11. Fetal alcohol syndrome IS the leading cause of mental retardation in the Western world. The costs of caring for an FAS baby is brutal, almost a million dollars per lifetime. Drug addicted babies fair way better with little developmental injury. I’m not defending using any intoxicant while pregnant but I find it disturbing that the debate centers on drug addicted women. But then again I can’t see doctors testing rich white women to see how much alcohol is in their system at any given time while they are pregnant. To me, it’s just another way to keep poor women down. Disgusting!
    .-= Cori´s last blog ..What a day… =-.

    • @Cori, Since I think that both using and drinking during pregnancy are wrong and there is no way to justify either if them by saying one is worse, I can’t defend or concede to that comment. I will say, though, the for me the issue being debated was whether or not mandatory sterilization was okay, and for me, it just isn’t. If you haven’t yet read those other two posts, you should;there was a lot of really thoughtful dialogue about it from several different viewpoints, and I know it gave me food for thought.

      I don’t think, personally, that only poor black women are being targeted, though. If there is suspicion of drug or alcohol abuse during pregnancy, I believe (and I might be wrong) that a blood test is routine. The thing is, statistically speaking, more low-income and non-white people DO use while pregnant and DO give birth to drug addicted babies. I don’t think they are being profiled, I think that is simply fact.

  12. Well, I’m offended! Not really, just kidding 🙂 But I have a chihuahua I bet you’d just LOVE! She’s a doll, and we joke all the time that she doesn’t really know she’s a chihuahua (we never told her), but instead thinks she is a cat. For the record, I was never a fan either. Until Lily came along. I still hate my mom’s chihuahua lol
    .-= Heather´s last blog ..I don’t know if I’ve ever really been loved…. =-.

  13. Recaps = Delete
    Mommy blogs = Delete
    Bashing husbands/boyfriends = Delete

    But what also makes me squirm are the blog posts that are a saccharine ode to a husband/boyfriend/love in which the person unleashes every inside joke, nickname, and personal moment of their relationship. It makes me wonder if *anything* in the relationship is strictly theirs.
    .-= Dingo´s last blog ..My Fat Mouth =-.

  14. I’ve not spent a lot of time at Aiming Low… but this idea of embracing mediocrity is one that has bothered me since Oprah took it global with her show last season. Maybe I’m an oddball, but I really do aim to make parenting my most important job and I take it extremely seriously and I want to do the absolute best that I can. Yes, it is hard. Yes, I screw up. Yes, I am challenged. And all of those are even more reason to keep trying to improve.
    .-= Eternal Lizdom´s last blog ..Verizon Nokia Twist =-.

  15. Great post Kori! The husband thing definitely gets me as well. I know these girls whose husbands worship the ground they walk on and do whatever they can to make their wives happy and they still complain. One girl was mad b/c her husband wouldn’t get another job then he did and she complained he wasn’t home. Never mind that the only reason they have anything is because they’re using their husbands credit. I would get with them in a minute but I obviously chose differently. Do you not realize what you have?? Ugh! I remember my old roommate had a Chihuahua and all he did was yap and yap. Double Ugh!!

    As for Halloween I was just thinking how I was going to find a sexy (not slutty) outfit to wear next year and then they had a live broadcast of this huge Halloween Carnival in Santa Monica and I was like okay this is coming close to those drunken New Year’s Eve bashes they broadcast in Vegas. I am definitely one of the ones who uses Halloween as an excuse to dress differently but you’re definitely right there is a line (and at church no less wth?)

    Keep the posts coming!!

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