If I change the title will that help?

There has been much going on inside me lately, partly the result of work with my sponsor and partly because I have just been so tired.  Tired of anger being the driving emotion in my life the last year, tired of only feeling peace in tiny doses which are enough to keep me getting up in the mornings but not yet enough to feed me, to nourish my soul.  Tired of having this albatross around my neck, holding me back, pulling me down.  So I have been working; I have been sitting in silence and praying, I have been trying to listen, I have been talking with friends and going to meetings and generally just trying to do the work of becoming willing.   Willing to make changes, to be changed.

In so many places, in so many ways, I have been getting these nudges from my spirit.  From the words spoken at meetings or the books I have randomly chosen from my shelves, there have been words or phrases that have spoken to me.  While driving, I hear songs that speak to me, that tell me the Big Guy is up there and he is listening and that he wants me to do this one thing.  Still, no matter how obvious the signs, no matter how clearly the meaning, I want to ignore it.  I want to deny that I know what I need to do, I want to keep holding on to this one thing.  I hear the small voice that says, “Kori…..” and I turn the music up louder so I can’t hear.

Oh God, I say, please help me, but then when he tries to I will do everything in my power to avoid taking that help.  Are we all like this?  My friend P. says that every time someone places their fingers up to their mouths-as in smoking or eating or nail biting-they are trying to hold in the fear, and the trick is to figure out just what there is to be afraid of.  SO I have been thinking of that as I smoke too much, eat nearly an entire bag of chocolate stars, decimate a bag of pistachios.  I also avoid having to feel my feelings by keeping busy; I did laundry and I cleaned and I make some chili and then a cake-and that wasn’t enough so I made three batches of granola and then absorbed myself into a book so deeply that I was able to ignore everyone and everything in my life (and that is why there was no weekend recap this week: it would have consisted of “I had a really great day with Jacquie in Saturday but then all day Sunday I compulsively ate, cleaned, baked, shut out life and added on a little soupcon of blame and finger-pointing so I could successfully avoid having to do what I know I need to do.  Thanks for stopping by!”).  Anything and everything to avoid having to actually do what I am told.

So this I know. Spiritual unrest for me manifests itself in a lot of different ways, but the most obvious ones are physical.  Not just the compulsion to stuff my body with food but things like my jaw and ear hurt so bad from the TMJ that I can hardly open my mouth without crying out in pain, or the feeling that someone slammed an ice-pick into the back of my head or the slight propensity to wake up needing desperately to be sick but knowing that nothing will come up.  On top of the physical things, of course, there is the mental and emotional anguish that comes from not having peace.

So I have decided to listen.  Not just half-ass nod my head “I hear you” kind of thing, but really and truly listen to that voice.  Every time something has spoken to me, I have closed my eyes (sometimes metaphorically-I don’t actually do that when I drive, and God speaks to me a lot in the car.  Usually he is telling me that to throw one of the fighting kids out of the moving car would be, perhaps, a faux pas, but sometimes he gives me much more earth-shattering advice) and opened up to embrace, simply, the possibility of change.  Just that-the possibility.

I don’t know what the real answer is, but I do know the answer is there, and probably closer than I think.  Maybe it is simply becoming willing, truly willing, or maybe I already know the answer but don’t want to deal with what it is.  What I do know is that underneath the ugliness that has been me lately, there is something pretty beautiful just waiting to be noticed.  I know that I am loved by my Big Guy, even when I am a fat, neurotic, toxiacally angry mess, and I know that if I am willing, he will give me the tools I need to keep growing.  I don’t know much else, but maybe I don’t need to know any more than that.  That I am loved, just here where I am.


22 thoughts on “If I change the title will that help?

  1. You are loved and we ALL feel this way from time to time. Sometimes it lasts longer than we want, but it does pass. You have been through a lot, so give yourself a break and let these feelings happen without beating yourself up.

    • @Danielle, I really wasn’t beating myself up, just stating that this is where I am. : ) Which is kind of a shitty place to be but there you go-we all DO go through it, and there is some comfort in that.

      Or so I tell myself.

  2. As you well know, this is not my area of expertise, but I will say this: of course you’re tired. You’re emotionally drained. It wasn’t just what was going on with H, but what it brought up in you. You had to face a lot of scary demons. I think you had had enough for a while.
    And to make this about ME for a minute – I’m totally jealous of your ability to live in denial by being busy. I become a total sloth. Not a pretty sight, and not easy to get jumped into action.
    And I love you.
    .-= April´s last blog ..More education talk =-.

    • @April, Oh, I can do sloth, too. Let’s see….procrastination? check. Zoning out in a book/movie? Check. It just happens that Sunday was a maniacally busy kind of avoidanace technique. 🙂

      And I love you, too.

  3. All I can tell you is that I’m right there with you at the moment. I know the bible inside and out and went to Sunday school every week for 16 years. However I am NOT a religious man. At all.

    But I can tell you that, when I find myself in positions like I am in (and you are in) now? I can’t even tell you I have the option of avoiding God’s help. Because it just ain’t there.

    He’s noticing and loving you because you are noticing and loving him, and I envy that relationship. Its worth its weight in gold.
    .-= Matt´s last blog ..Beautiful Disaster =-.

  4. Whew -heavy stuff. And you know (or, I hope so) that I can relate to you alot in the spirituality area and trying to wrestle with all of that. Re-reading Anne Lamott will do that to a person 🙂

    For me, unrest manifests physically as well. I’ve always said its emotional or mental unrest that triggers these things (my own neck/back pain over the past couple of weeks, coupled with sick feelings as I tried to work through my stress) but I guess what is spirtuality other than our pure emotions and mentality?

    Sometimes it’s awfully hard to hear what God is saying. I dont know sometimes if I’m closed off, not listening hard enough or –far worse– that feeling of abandonment.

    Just tough stuff all around.

    Thinking of, and here for, you.

  5. I was going to say that it’s good you are at least willing to listen. I find with my family they go to church regularly when good things happen and are all loud but when times get tough they start disappearing.

  6. You know I’m not a God person, but I am a believer that voices big and small try to tell us things, wherever they come from and however they manifest. I think that our inner selves try to speak to us in a way, to make us better. If nothing else I hope your moments of conversation are bringing you some peace and reflection. You’ll get through the hard times.
    .-= Cat´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.

  7. I think that letting go can be the absolute hardest thing. By opening yourself up, or deciding to listen, you’re letting go of worrying about it, of holding it in or blocking things out. It can be a huge relief, and maybe what comes of it will surprise you. (Hugs)

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