Another Untitled Post

I have ten years sober today, and instead of feeling inspired and like I have really accomplished something, I just feel beat.  A variety of different things have happened over the last couple of weeks, all coming to a head yesterday, and what I am left with is, well, nothing.  I have used up all of my defenses in the last year(ish), and I really don’t feel as if I have enough any in reserve to get me through one more thing.  A little melodramatic-sounding, I am sure, but at this point, I just don’t really care how it sounds.  I am having a crisis of monstrous proportions, and I just don’t have anything left.

So.  I think it is time I really and truly learned to accept that this?  This is my life.  Time for me to throw away some of those dreams and hopes, and start realizing that the worst thing I can do is expect or hope for anything to be different. For whatever reasons, probably some I don’t even remember, I have done too much to ever find redemption, and there you go.  I am never going to be able to do/have/feel the things normal people feel, and I never have, so what the hell? And no, this isn’t PMS, it isn’t depression, it isn’t anything other than life. That’s it.

I remember one time when I was younger I was complaining about something to my dad-something about work, and while I don’t remember what it was that I was unhappy with, I remember very clearly my dad saying, “The sooner you realize that the only thing you have to look forward to in life is 60 years of hard work, the better of you are going to be.”  At the time, I remember thinking how sad that statement was, but now I totally get it.  My lot in life is to work hard, then die.  And because of my past choices, I have also condemned my kids to the same life.  Fuck the “American Dream”, by the way; it doesn’t exist.

Now that I am reaching this point where I realize that it’s all a crap shoot and that god isn’t, in fact, looking out for us, well, what’s left for someone like me?  I think the answer is to do what others seem to be able to do so easily, and that’s simply give up.  Expect nothing.  Accept that life is shit and if you are lucky (LUCKY, not blessed) you have some good moments thrown in with the shit.  All I ask for anymore is enough strength to get through each day.  Anything else?  Out of reach.

So, ten years sober and the only thing I have to show for it is not having had a drink.  Not much there to be proud of, is there?  Do you know that for the first five years of being sober, I would call my family and tell them, and ask them to come to a meeting, and they never did show up.  I was asked to be the speaker at a meeting last year, and was even foolish enough to think that since it IS kind of a big deal to be asked to speak in front of 75 recovering drunks, they might want to come.  Nope.  So I don’t tell anyone anymore, because then my feelings aren’t hurt.  Even though they are, you know?

On a happier note, thanks to Steve and Jacquie and Matt, for remembering.  And tomorrow will be different, if not better, at least I know that much.  The only thing I can do today is work harder and try more and then fall into bed later.  This is life, right?

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38 thoughts on “Another Untitled Post

  1. OMG, Kori, ten years?!? CONGRATULATIONS!!!! I may not have remembered the exact date, but I am so so proud of you.
    And I know what you mean about 60 yrs of hard work (or, I guess what your dad meant), but I will say this: had you not been sober for the past 10 years, you wouldn’t even have that to look forward to. You know better than anyone just what you would have missed in these past 10 years were it not for that sobriety.
    Just as your friend, as someone who loves you dearly, I suggest you write yourself a congratulations letter. You don’t have to share it with anyone. In fact, it’s probably better if you don’t. But please, take the time today or tonight to acknowledge this awesome accomplishment.
    You and I both know people who will never, ever make it to this milestone. People who cannot handle it. People who choose to throw in the towel rather than accept their realities and deal with it.
    YOU are not one of those people.
    I love you dearly.
    .-= April´s last blog ..Friday Fragments – is Thanksgiving really next week?!? edition =-.

  2. Oh Kori, this post made me so sad. 10 years is such a HUGE accomplishment and definitely something to celebrate. Life is totally full of crap some days and we all feel like throwing in the towel and giving up – but you just hang in, hold on, and do the best you can. And look for the moments of joy, because they are there. It could be Owen hugging you, Steve rubbing your back after a hard day, Hannah doing as well as she is, etc.
    Sending you hugs.
    .-= lynn´s last blog ..Asking for More =-.

  3. Well I’m proud of you. And if it weren’t thousands of miles away I’d totally come to your meetings.

    I’m typing this with one hand because my son is asleep in my other arm and I don’t want to wake him. When I think about how proud I am of the accomplishment of just making him let alone raising him, you have an awful lot to be proud of with all those great kids.

    It’s all a lot of work. But like my grandmother said about watermelon seeds, “don’t you know anything worth having is a lot of trouble?” 🙂

    Many hugs to you.
    .-= Genie´s last blog ..Labor Story: part one =-.

  4. I am in awe of you. I say that all the time but it’s true. And I know that doesn’t really mean much, but…it’s true. And I know that life is painful and that you have suffered too much of it- that too, is true.
    And I know that you have shown your kids there is another way. That is true.
    And I don’t even believe in God or god but I believe there is redemption and I don’t think you have done anything in this world not to deserve it.
    There. That’s what I have to say.
    And congratulations because ten years sober is a huge big deal and you know that it’s true.
    .-= Ms. Moon´s last blog ..And Now, Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Reality =-.

    • @Ms. Moon, Well, I thank you, but I have to disagree; otherwise, I wouldn’t be where I am at in life, which is basically nowhere. My kids? They haven’t had any hope for a long time; they know the score. And what good, really, is ten years sober when that is the ONLY thing I have to show for it? It really and truly is. So-no, I am sorry, I think maybe your awe is misplaced.

  5. I haven’t done ANYTHING for ten years, let along something as difficult and exhausting as remaining sober AND being a valiant mom. I haven’t stayed in a job, house, relationship for more than 3 years. You have accomplished a great many things, INCLUDING this blog which has touched and inspired and connected many, many people 🙂 I think that’s something to be proud of.
    .-= Hanna´s last blog ..Perception =-.

  6. Hey, I’M proud of you! Also, it’s a big fucking HUGE deal. So, there.

    (congratulations, and if you feel that you’ve used up all your defenses, perhaps you’d consider using mine? *hugs*)

  7. Congrats on 10 years sober. That’s huge. As for what to look forward to in life… I had a crisis of epic proportions some years back. I turned to the writings of the Dalai Lama, Eckhart Tolle, Thomas Moore, Carolyn Myss, etc. I came to believe it’s enough to breathe, be present, give love through compassion.
    .-= dadshouse´s last blog ..I Love Sleeping With You! =-.

  8. Congratulations on ten years! I wish I didn’t live so far away – I would LOVE to come and hear you speak. LOVE. Actively, not even just to do you a favour. Which I would also want to do.

    And so many many many hugs on all the other stuff. Can I just say please don’t give up? Since the only things that are really worthwhile in life are time spent with loved ones (like eating with the kids) or laughing with a friend and the like, there is plenty of chance for all that.

    Sorry for my clumsy words. I wish you could feel what I’m trying to say to you.

    xxx
    .-= Mwa´s last blog ..Thoughts on blogging and parenting – but mixed up! =-.

  9. I am really proud of you. I know how hard you’ve worked and how much this milestone must mean. I also know how much you do for your children. I hope you know that by being the mother you are and just caring about them so much, you ARE giving them a chance at something good.

    I wish that I was more wise, that there was something more that I could say to you to help. I am sad reading your post because I care about you so much, and I wish that I could change your mind. For now, I’ll just say that I love you, and even if you don’t think so, I think you are kind of awesome. (HUGS)
    .-= Rachael´s last blog ..Baby, Baby =-.

  10. Oh, Kori. I want so badly to give you a hug right now. I’m the QUEEN of feeling this way, and often can lash out at those closest to me as a result of almost needing to wallow in these awful feelings I have and to make everyone else know just how awful everything is.

    So I have been there. Here’s where I haven’t been–ten years sober. Or sober at all. You inspire me!

  11. Congratulations on 10 years. That is an amazing accomplishment in itself. And if you hadn’t accomplished that? You probably wouldn’t be able to handle what life has thrown at you with such grace. You are an amazing person, and you inspire me every day.
    .-= Tutugirl´s last blog ..Put On A Happy Face =-.

  12. I know that I don’t know you well. I know that I’ve only been reading your blog for a few months. I know that you and your family are living under immense, intense, insane pressure and that life makes no sense, has no purpose, and that you live it day by day in a numb, crisis state of mind.

    I also know that you wrote this: http://seekorirant.com/?p=801

    I would like to congratulate you on your 10 years. It is an immense accomplishment that deserves praise.

    I’m not going to tell you nice and wonderful things, Kori. Obviously we don’t know what has happened over the past week to bring on this emotional outpouring. And perhaps I’m going to piss you off… but I refuse to blow you a bunch of sunshine and roses and crap about gratitude and attitude and whatever else.

    Instead, I’m going to tell you to snap out of it. Slap yourself if you have to. I get that you are stressed out. But you are NOT a victim, NOT a quitter, NOT breakable. You are apparently facing something very difficult right now. So what are you going to do? Give up? Really? This from the mom who has believed, defended, fought for, and gone to bat for her daughter? Who has clawed her way through single parenthood? Who has fought back against demons and kept them at bay for 10 years of sobriety?

    You are a fighter, Kori. A survivor in your own right. Go back and read the words you have written and shared. Get back in touch with who you really are. Pray, cry, scream if you have to. But stop giving up. Right now.
    .-= Eternal Lizdom´s last blog ..Verizon’s Droid by Motorola =-.

  13. You certainly have the strength because I have seen evidence of it just by reading your posts. Congrats on the 10 years and I wish you continued success. I know it is easier said than done but focus on the good things and the little things in the life that make you happy because there is a whole bunch of nasty, shitty things in this place that is the third rock from the sun.
    .-= Mr. Shife´s last blog ..Random Acts of Shifeness =-.

  14. Kori, I don’t have anything remotely significant to say, but I want you to know that I’m here. I’m reading. and you know I love you. This post made me sad. I’m praying for you. I second what Eternal Lizdom said… We don’t know what’s going on in your life, but please, please do not give up. We are all here for you.

    Congratulations on 10 years! That is enormous!

    I love you.

  15. I read this earlier today and I didn’t know what to say at the time. I still don’t, but I’m going to try.

    First of all, 10 years is a big deal. Huge. And I know someone who couldn’t do that and we’ll have to celebrate another holiday without him because of it. So do not belittle that accomplishment at all.

    As for the rest, well, shit. I still can’t figure out what to say. I can’t pretend to know how you feel or what you are going through. And I know that my life is totally sunshine and rainbows compared to the crap you have gone through this past year. So yeah, it’s no surprise that you are tired and frustrated and can’t see past what is going on. But you have to. You have four kids who totally love you. You have wonderful friends who care about you. You have Steve. These are so much more than whatever setback you have suffered this week. These are the things that make us rich.

    Hang in there, Kori. I know it’s hard, but you have so many reasons to try. {hug}
    .-= melissaz´s last blog ..Monday Mission 11/23/09 =-.

  16. Kori-
    From where I stand it looks like you kick ass. Like all the time. And kicking ass can kick your ass after a while. Don’t minimize your life and what you’ve survived and accomplished. It may not feel like a lot, but it looks like a lot from here.

    I love you Kori
    .-= michelle´s last blog ..dream =-.

  17. Well, Kori. I think that you kick ass.

    Give yourself more credit for all that you do. And yes, your kids will be like you, but that’s a GOOD thing — they’ll kick ass too.

    And the 10 years, well I don’t really have words to type to tell you what I think of that because saying it’s awesome and congratulations only sort of sums it up.

    Life is never over until the fat lady sings (and I’m not singing!). You are not doomed to mediocrity, it just seems that way to you today. You are NOT doomed to mediocrity.

    Happy Turkey day too.
    .-= Jill´s last blog ..Memories =-.

  18. I don’t know what all is going on, but if you think that giving your kids a mother who has been present and available and interested and active in their lives for the last 10 years is nothing, you’re wrong. They have watched you fight and be strong and do things you didn’t want to do because those were the right things to do, and maybe it hasn’t gotten you anywhere grand, but I bet it’s gotten you a lot farther than not doing any of those things would have done; and now those kids have no excuse not to do the same things in their lives. They can fight for something better. They can work hard, even when it seems like life is kicking them in the ass, and you know what? Someday it might pay off. It might not. But at least they’ll have some pride and self-respect, and that’s worth something. And they’ll always know that they DO have a mom who will do her best to show up for them when they need her, and, as you well know, that’s worth a lot.

    So, feel bad if you need to feel bad-we all need to do that from time to time-and take heart: I may have said this before, but I’ll say it again…there’s got to be a pony somewhere in this pile of shit.
    .-= Dreamybee´s last blog ..Molokai-Day 2 =-.

  19. Congrats on 10 years!!

    This is life. Work and monotony are hard to get away from. But I think you know there’s a lot more. A few weeks back you described the joy of being with your children and just having a calm weekend. Try to grab onto that. Family is family of course, and they come with their own tragedy and drama. But you haven’t “condemned” them to anything. Don’t write their stories. That’s their job, and they have years to figure out their futures.

    Go ahead and wallow, because God knows we all need to withdraw into self-pity and depression every now and again. But don’t let it take over your thoughts and life, and especially keep it away from visions of your kids future.
    .-= Cat´s last blog ..Update =-.

  20. Congratulations, that is so HUGE!!!!!!
    I know that you don’t want to hear this, but you have great kids, you fought a evil man and for the most part, shut him down so that he can’t do such things again to anyone, haven’t had a drink in 10 years and stuck to that no matter how hard it was(and I am sure it was horribly hard) Made it in life with 3 kids and NO help, and I can go on and I don’t know you in person.
    So, as I see it, and I know it doesn’t feel this way to you because you are in the thick of it, YOU ARE AMAZING!

  21. Shit.

    Con’t:

    …3,065 times over. That you give HOPE to those of us who’d have none, otherwise.

    I hate that life keeps throwing mud at you I wish I could steal you away and fix it. But I can’t; all I can do is tell you that you are my heart and if I know anything, its that the only thing you’ve damned your children to is a life full of the knowelege of what pure love and strength are.

    No consolation, I know. But I’m here for you as much as I can be.

  22. Kori,
    I haven’t been keeping up with blogs as much as I should and I haven’t come to visit with you in a while. I’m sorry about that. Mama (Ms. Moon) told me that you have 10 years now and I thought I’d check in, leave a congrats and all that. I just got my two years, and tomorrow I’ll get to stand up and tell a bit of my story and get a second hole drilled in my coin (that’s what we do here, holes drilled in a silver dollar) and I’m happy about that. Mama will be there, and she was there last year too and that means the world to me, so I understand how empty it must feel when your family doesn’t show interest in something that is such a big part of you.
    Some people don’t get it. They’re proud, I’m sure, that you’ve accomplished what you have, but they don’t understand what it means really to be an alcoholic and to live sober. Even when you have serenity, it’s living naked. Naked nerves and naked emotions and naked thoughts, and sometimes the brain works too much and sometimes the world is too cold and there is nothing you can cover yourself with. You just have to learn to live cold and raw and hard. It’s almost too much, but the alternative is no longer viable and so we have to do that which is too much. People don’t get that even when you get to the point where you don’t want a drink anymore sobriety is a cold place. Sober- even the word is dark.
    Meetings are a place where people understand you without having to be told, where there are people like you, and where there are people who admire you. Your family is seriously missing out by not being there to see you in that place. They probably don’t even know that by not going to meetings with you they are making it so they can’t know you fully.
    I know you know in your head what you have accomplished, so I’m not going to go on about that. It sounds like your heart is sad, and from what Mama tells me and what I know from reading your blog, that is completely understandable. I hope no one out there is telling you to have “an attitude of gratitude” or some other AA bullshit doggerel because I hate it when they give me that. Sometimes life is just shitty.
    I do want to say that I admire you. I admire you regardless of how you feel about that. The one AA thing I will say is that I will love you until you love yourself, and right here, right now, from me, that is not bullshit. I have love for you in my heart, and if you never love yourself or your life I will keep on loving you because my admiration and love are based on what you’ve gone through and who you are and are not contingent on anything else.
    I wish we lived in the same town so we could go to a meeting together and have a cup of coffee, and I would try to make you laugh, even if your laughter was full of raw nerves and razors.
    I’m sorry this comment is so long. Thank you for your honesty.

  23. You constantly amaze me, Kori. This post was deep and real and raw and you have that.

    You have no idea how many times I’ve thought of contacting you in my darkest, drunkest times with questions and support regarding my own possible alcoholism issues (it’s no secret, I drink way too much) and if I ever get to the point of speaking and thinking more about it, I’m going to reach out to you first.

    See? You have that … speaking at those meetings … being 10 years sober? You’ve got the gift of fucking up, living through it, finding it within to help yourself, constant healing and now have the ability to help others because of it.

    To me that’s one of the most important kinds of people in the world. I find perfect people – American Dream type people – utterly boring and useless.

    And fuck the American Dream. It’s overrated and often full of misery and mounting debt.

    You’re a star. Know that.
    .-= Huckdoll´s last blog ..practicing love =-.

  24. I haven’t been here long either and I’m disheartened to hear you’ve given up. Life is a bitch and then you die may seem like a good mantra but it has to change it just has to. I tend to agree with Eternal Lizdom as well. You are an inspiration to many and that is a good thing IMO. Ten years is a major accomplishment too. Family has a way of not caring when you need it most but I will be proud for you.

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