I have ten years sober today, and instead of feeling inspired and like I have really accomplished something, I just feel beat. A variety of different things have happened over the last couple of weeks, all coming to a head yesterday, and what I am left with is, well, nothing. I have used up all of my defenses in the last year(ish), and I really don’t feel as if I have enough any in reserve to get me through one more thing. A little melodramatic-sounding, I am sure, but at this point, I just don’t really care how it sounds. I am having a crisis of monstrous proportions, and I just don’t have anything left.
So. I think it is time I really and truly learned to accept that this? This is my life. Time for me to throw away some of those dreams and hopes, and start realizing that the worst thing I can do is expect or hope for anything to be different. For whatever reasons, probably some I don’t even remember, I have done too much to ever find redemption, and there you go. I am never going to be able to do/have/feel the things normal people feel, and I never have, so what the hell? And no, this isn’t PMS, it isn’t depression, it isn’t anything other than life. That’s it.
I remember one time when I was younger I was complaining about something to my dad-something about work, and while I don’t remember what it was that I was unhappy with, I remember very clearly my dad saying, “The sooner you realize that the only thing you have to look forward to in life is 60 years of hard work, the better of you are going to be.” At the time, I remember thinking how sad that statement was, but now I totally get it. My lot in life is to work hard, then die. And because of my past choices, I have also condemned my kids to the same life. Fuck the “American Dream”, by the way; it doesn’t exist.
Now that I am reaching this point where I realize that it’s all a crap shoot and that god isn’t, in fact, looking out for us, well, what’s left for someone like me? I think the answer is to do what others seem to be able to do so easily, and that’s simply give up. Expect nothing. Accept that life is shit and if you are lucky (LUCKY, not blessed) you have some good moments thrown in with the shit. All I ask for anymore is enough strength to get through each day. Anything else? Out of reach.
So, ten years sober and the only thing I have to show for it is not having had a drink. Not much there to be proud of, is there? Do you know that for the first five years of being sober, I would call my family and tell them, and ask them to come to a meeting, and they never did show up. I was asked to be the speaker at a meeting last year, and was even foolish enough to think that since it IS kind of a big deal to be asked to speak in front of 75 recovering drunks, they might want to come. Nope. So I don’t tell anyone anymore, because then my feelings aren’t hurt. Even though they are, you know?
On a happier note, thanks to Steve and Jacquie and Matt, for remembering. And tomorrow will be different, if not better, at least I know that much. The only thing I can do today is work harder and try more and then fall into bed later. This is life, right?