Finally, snow, the air filled with tiny swirling flakes and the road covered and a solitary track of some brave soul stretching down the road. It isn’t bad, the snow, and probably won’t amount to much, but it is finally here, covering up the drab browns and grays and making the world look just a little brighter and cleaner. I slept in until the unheard of hour of 8:20, so am just now sipping my coffee and sitting here in my pajamas, with the lights on the tree twinkling in the corner of my eye. It is a good morning, the kind that reminds me that no matter what the outside circumstances are, no matter how they might get me down and make me weary, underneath it all I have such a rich life.
I remember this time last year, when we were all very much shattered, walking around in a daze and trying only to get through each day, and I realize how different things are this year. So, we don’t have any more money, or even less money than we did last year, but we are strong and whole and together in a way were simply not able to be last year; how then can I look at my life and say that nothing has changed? Everythinghas changed. This time last year, well, I would hear Hannah crying in her room and feel as if she would never recover, and this year, I hear her laughing on the phone with her boyfriend or fighting with her brothers and doing such normal, exasperating teenaged things that the mind fairly boggles. This time last year, things between Steve and I were so precarious and I was so worried, knowing that the only thing I could do was sit back and let life and consequences happen to him; all I wanted was to be able to spend Christmas with him, you know? And this year, he is here in my home, this home and family we are trying to create together; this is something I never thought would happen, so how can I say that nothing has changed?
I can’t and won’t apologize for my feelings of despair last week (and I don’t believe that anyone is asking me to, let me clarify that. I am loved and supported so much, by all of you readers and my real-life friends. Just wanted to clarify that), nor can I guarantee that I won’t feel them again. I don’t think any one of us could say that life isn’t really, really hard sometimes; sometimes I just feel so beaten down and I get weary of the fact that it is so hard to simply survive, to have the stress of trying to make ends meet every single month, and yes, it hurts deeply. But-there is much good, too, and while I have never forgotten that, sometimes it seems sometimes the harsh reality makes the good fade some. Not disappear, but seem less accessible.
But today is a good day. We are, in fact, going to the party for his dad’s side of the family tomorrow, and I have mixed emotions about that-but I will walk in knowing in my heart that if they had to deal with a fraction of the things we have, they would cave-and I don’t mean that in a mean way, but in acknowledgement of the strength of my own family. Also, they all do have large amounts of money, but I don’t know how many of them are truly happy (and aside, though: I know other people who DO have money, lots of it, and they manage to be happy and content and genuinely kind regardless; money can either be a tool or a weapon, depending on what goes on inside a person), and I think that on the whole, we are-and that is something I can be so glad of even amongst the sidelong glances. I am going to walk in with all these kids and know that each one of my kids is loved and guided and disciplined and are good kids-and I will not let them make me feel as if my kids are a liability.
And for the rest of the day, well, I just don’t know. At some point I will finish my coffee and take a shower, and I haven’t done any housework all weekend so I suppose I might need to do that. No matter what I do today, though, I am going remember my center and recall all of the good things my life has to offer, and keep moving forward.