Signs of Growth

We were able to go on our date last night, to this local pizza joint we both really like, and it was so, so nice.  Almost instantly upon leaving the house, I felt a discernible lightening of tension, a little spark of reconnection beginning.  Please know that things have not been bad, not at all; I don’t want anyone getting the impression that we have been at each other’s throats of walking around on tiptoes with one another.  No, I think that it is important to be able to be a couple together in order to prevent those things from happening, which is why we try so hard to carve away that time for each other.  Not that I am any kind of relationship expert, of that I assure you.  If anything, I am the opposite; relationships are really, really difficult for me.  I mean, my mom has been married seven times, it isn’t as if I had any kind of great model in her.  Maybe learned how to run when things got hard, or to stay too long in the hopes that things would change, or both, at different times.  So-this is just something that seems to work for us.  That’s it.

  There have been a couple of rather big things that we need to make a decision on one way or another, in the next few weeks, so it was good to have the time and the guarantee of no interruptions to talk about them. There were no definitive answers found, no light bulb going off to say,”Yes, this is what we are going to do!” but instead, everything was laid out on the table and food for thought was given and really, what more can you ask for? 

We went to the AA meeting afterward, and while in once sense it was really good to be back after having missed several due to the holidays, in other ways it was simply disappointing.  I have felt for quite some time, maybe 6 months or so, that the quality of the meeting has deteriorated, and I feel uncomfortable in my own skin there.  Part of it is the influx of several really young people that are there to fulfill the requirements of probation, and while it doesn’t matter how we get there, as long as we do, it changes the tone of the meeting considerably-they don’t want to be there, of course, but simply do not know how to behave in public appropriately.  There is flirting and giggling, texting and note writing, and it disrupts the entire meeting.  So yes, I know this is my issue, not theirs, because I don’t say anything-that’s on me.  And part of it is me; I have changed a lot this last year, and while I perhaps didn’t notice the changes as they were happening, I know now that I have been distancing myself from people,  from the politics and the drama, and some things have happened over the last, I don’t know, month? that have made me fully realize that I simply don’t have this kind of time.  It isn’t a lack of genuine caring for people in the rooms; I would do anything in my power to help any one of them if they needed me, but it is more as if my focus has changed.  I want a fuller, richer life-spiritually, mentally, emotionally-than I have right now, and-well.  I am having a hard time finding a place I belong. 

Moving on, it is Saturday now, and I got to sleep in until (wait for it…) 8:00 this morning-which is nothing short of amazing.  I have since spent the morning drinking coffee and doing dishes and putting loads of laundry in and there you go; this is my day.  It is a good day, though, because even though i am feeling some uncomfortable feelings and experiencing a little bit of emotional pain, it is also good to know that these are simply growing pains; nothing horrible has happened or feels like it is about to happen, I am simply in the process of growing-and the best thing to do in cases like this is simply to eat healthy food and drink lots of water and take long walks, and let it happen.  Growth is never a bad thing, and I think I am ready.

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15 thoughts on “Signs of Growth

  1. You are such a thoughtful person, Kori. You see things the way they are, you deal with them no matter how hard. I love and admire this about you very, very much.
    Thank-you for the reminder about the good food, the water and the walks. I need that today.
    .-= Ms. Moon´s last blog ..Saturday, January 9, 2010 =-.

  2. So glad you got a chance to have that date. Stuff like that in any relationship is very important. No matter how infrequent they are

    I cannot possibly relate to what those meetings are like, but it seems like a good idea to separate the “probation” meetings from those who care. I dunno how, but it’s just an idea.

    You need to focus on you a little bit every now and then. You are doing a tremendous job and your strength is inspiring.
    .-= Hockeymandad´s last blog ..Yoda was a Genius =-.

  3. I haven’t gone to a meeting in, oh, 4 years, mostly because I found one that was perfect and filled my soul and it got swiped out from under me.

    I am afraid to try & find that again. I am afraid to find it and lose it.

    I hope you can find a new one that is right for you, I really do.
    .-= Mr Lady´s last blog ..The Day I Tried To Live =-.

  4. This is a simply inspiring post. Your matter-of-factness gives the impression “I could do that, too!” Thanks.

    A different meeting group? Or perhaps you could try a church-?

    Best, Barbara

  5. I agree with Hockeymandad about probation meetings. It seems like there would be completely different challenges for them to discuss too- kinf od how everyone goes to church together then breaks into specialized groups for Sunday school.

    Glad you had a good date night and were able to talk.
    .-= Cat´s last blog ..Violence =-.

    • @Cat, Well, this is AA; we don’t ever exclude anyone, for any reason. typically over time they either get off probation and leave, or they “get” the program and stay. It would never occur to any of us, nor should it, to tell these people they can’t be there.

      • @Cat, No, it’s okay; most people DON’T know much about it, you know? I was goign to say the same thing to Patrick, I just hadn’t gotten that far yet, ha ha ha. I can’t really explain it, but it IS for everyone, and it isn’t usually a problem unless you get a big influx of court-ordered young people at the same time-which happens a lot after the holidays. Usually within a few months, they have either learned how to be more appropriate or they go back out.

  6. I agree; growth is good, of course. I’m sorry that your meeting hasn’t been what you need it to be lately. I hope you (and others) can take ownership of what’s happening and set boundaries that others honor in the future. Good luck.
    .-= Mrs4444´s last blog ..Our Friday Night Excitement =-.

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