We were able to go on our date last night, to this local pizza joint we both really like, and it was so, so nice. Almost instantly upon leaving the house, I felt a discernible lightening of tension, a little spark of reconnection beginning. Please know that things have not been bad, not at all; I don’t want anyone getting the impression that we have been at each other’s throats of walking around on tiptoes with one another. No, I think that it is important to be able to be a couple together in order to prevent those things from happening, which is why we try so hard to carve away that time for each other. Not that I am any kind of relationship expert, of that I assure you. If anything, I am the opposite; relationships are really, really difficult for me. I mean, my mom has been married seven times, it isn’t as if I had any kind of great model in her. Maybe learned how to run when things got hard, or to stay too long in the hopes that things would change, or both, at different times. So-this is just something that seems to work for us. That’s it.
There have been a couple of rather big things that we need to make a decision on one way or another, in the next few weeks, so it was good to have the time and the guarantee of no interruptions to talk about them. There were no definitive answers found, no light bulb going off to say,”Yes, this is what we are going to do!” but instead, everything was laid out on the table and food for thought was given and really, what more can you ask for?
We went to the AA meeting afterward, and while in once sense it was really good to be back after having missed several due to the holidays, in other ways it was simply disappointing. I have felt for quite some time, maybe 6 months or so, that the quality of the meeting has deteriorated, and I feel uncomfortable in my own skin there. Part of it is the influx of several really young people that are there to fulfill the requirements of probation, and while it doesn’t matter how we get there, as long as we do, it changes the tone of the meeting considerably-they don’t want to be there, of course, but simply do not know how to behave in public appropriately. There is flirting and giggling, texting and note writing, and it disrupts the entire meeting. So yes, I know this is my issue, not theirs, because I don’t say anything-that’s on me. And part of it is me; I have changed a lot this last year, and while I perhaps didn’t notice the changes as they were happening, I know now that I have been distancing myself from people, from the politics and the drama, and some things have happened over the last, I don’t know, month? that have made me fully realize that I simply don’t have this kind of time. It isn’t a lack of genuine caring for people in the rooms; I would do anything in my power to help any one of them if they needed me, but it is more as if my focus has changed. I want a fuller, richer life-spiritually, mentally, emotionally-than I have right now, and-well. I am having a hard time finding a place I belong.
Moving on, it is Saturday now, and I got to sleep in until (wait for it…) 8:00 this morning-which is nothing short of amazing. I have since spent the morning drinking coffee and doing dishes and putting loads of laundry in and there you go; this is my day. It is a good day, though, because even though i am feeling some uncomfortable feelings and experiencing a little bit of emotional pain, it is also good to know that these are simply growing pains; nothing horrible has happened or feels like it is about to happen, I am simply in the process of growing-and the best thing to do in cases like this is simply to eat healthy food and drink lots of water and take long walks, and let it happen. Growth is never a bad thing, and I think I am ready.