It's wednesday and I'm fhungry

So I promised that this wasn’t going to turn into a health nutjob blog, and it isn’t, but I will tell you that I did join Curves the other day.  The woman, T., who did the intake appointment and all the measuring and weighing and such was really very nice, and also funny, and she “got” me to the extent that someone you just met can.  Very nice.  She is a little bit new-agey, talking about negative energy and stuff like that, which I mentally roll my eyes at, really, but she was pretty low-key about it so it was all right.  We talked about my diet and what I was looking for and what my motivation was for deciding to join-the usual stuff, I would imagine?  Anyway, one of the things I found interesting was that she asked me, several times, about family/partner support, whether I would have any or not, and then she said,”So what about your partner; will he let you do this?” and I said,”huh?” She then said, “You know, will he let you spend money on this, will he let you come exercise, that kind of stuff.”  As is typical for me, the filter between my brain and my mouth wasn’t working properly because I think I might have possibly blurted out something along the lines of, “LET me?  Are you fucking kidding me?”  She laughed, but also made it clear that no, she wasn’t kidding me.  That there are a lot of men who would tell their wives they couldn’t spend the money, or otherwise try to sabotage their efforts.  I just have to shake my head, even though I get it. 

Anyway, I joined, did my first workout yesterday morning and have continued my daily walking and blah blah blah, you don’t want to hear about all of that.  And I am not going to tell you how much weight I have to lose or what I am eating or any of that stuff, because again, who cares?  The thing I am going to tell you is that I am tired of getting ready for work and ending up in tears because even my fat clothes don’t fit anymore.  I am going to tell you that I am tired of going shopping and ending up in tears because I can’t find anything that fits fright…I am tired of looking in the mirror and hating what I see.  The funny thing is, a year ago I wrote a post about body image where I talked about how I loved my body, plumpness and all-but then I started to gain weight and now am far beyond plump, but downright fat.  And I hate it.  I hate the way I feel, not just because of the way I look.  So there is my motivation for finally doing something about it-tired of not feeling good about myself. 

And maybe that is why I have a better chance than I would have had I done it for any other reason.  I mean, I am already in a committed relationship so I don’t need to lose weight to find a guy (which, okay, is a stupid reason to lose weight anyway, in my opinion), and Steve would not ever tell me I was a fatty who needed to unstrap the feed bag and walk away.  I don’t have a wedding to lose weight for, no fancy dress I want to fit in, and I am still able to run and play and swing on swings with my kids (I HATE those commercials, by the way).  I just want to feel godd, physically, spiritually, emotionally- and they are intimately connected.

That said, I am hungry.  H.U.N.G.R.Y.  F-hungry (fucking hungry, in case you didn’t get that). One of the things T. told me was that I am not eating enough, therefore my body wants to hold onto the food I eat rather than burn it.  And I don’t eat enough during the day, so I am starved when dinner comes around, and I overeat, and there you go.  So I have very dutifully been eating a good breakfast, packing my lunch (which I typically do anyway), also bringing to work two snacks of about 100 calories each, and even though I am eating more, I am starving.  With hope, this will pass-because for the moment, I am not feeling any better because I am starving.

What does make me feel better, though, is that I am not simply sitting around and complaining, but I am choosing to do something about it.  I guess it’s just like anything else in life, where taking action kicks the ass out of sitting around letting things happen, feeling powerless over something that I do, in fact, have control over.  God knows there is much in life that I can’t do anything about, but this?  Isn’t one of them.

So there you have it.  This is my life right this minute, and even though I don’t feel so great about ME right now, I feel pretty good about life in general.  I will take off what I put on, I will lovingly slather lotion all over my plump body and tell it I love it, even though I don’t like the way it looks right now.  I will gratefully cut my celery and my carrots, eat my salads and my whole grain breads, knowing that this is not the end of the world.  In fact, outside of my little bubble, none of this has any significance-because life keeps going on.

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18 thoughts on “It's wednesday and I'm fhungry

  1. I think you’re always hungry wehn you’re trying to lose weight because you’re always thinking about it. At least–thats how it is for me. IF you’re always thinking about what you’re going to eat next, etc, it can make you think more about food.

    I dunno–I think about food plenty as it is and I”m not trying to lose actively. I NEED to though, soon. Exercising made so many things better for me.

  2. I’m proud of you! But mostly I sort of know where you’re coming from as I sat around for four years and slowly watched a number on the scale crawl up, felt my clothes getting tighter, shopped for larger sizes. I’d do stints of diets and exercise but nothing long term and one day I was looking in the mirror and realized something had to be done so I could feel good again and life changed right there, cut out a bunch of things and introduced a bunch of new things and I’ve never felt better inside.

    I think the important thing to remember is it’s a life long commitment, health that is. Curves has always seemed to me like a good place to fulfill that commitment so I’m glad you got on board there 🙂

    But it’s crazy to me what you said about women not being able to work out without their husbands being okay with it. Bananas. I would assume that men would love to see their women working out and feeling good about themselves but I guess not.

    And if you’re ever short on snack and food ideas, let me know.
    .-= Huckdoll´s last blog ..this is absolute truth. brilliant even. =-.

    • @Huckdoll, See, I have never really NEEDED to do anything different. I mean, I lost 70 pounds 11 years ago and kept it off all this time, up until the last year. I ate what I wanted, I walked almost daily, and while I was no skinny minny, I was comfortable and stable. But it DID creep up, and here I am. 🙂

  3. I wonder if they run into more women with husbands/partners like that at Curves because it’s all women so guys will “let” their significant others go there more readily than a co-ed gym? I dunno, that whole exchange is hilarious to me and I totally would have laughed in her face. Inadvertantly of course.

    I love the word fhungry, and may need to use it. But, I think that it will go away once you get into a routine with your food intake. I used to do that not-eating thing too, and when I started eating breakfast regularly I was STARVING before lunch.

  4. I’ve been blogging about this same subject lately.

    I did Curves several years ago and enjoyed it. Had to quit when I was pregnant (doctor advise no exercise and my contract was up). Thought about going back but had my reasons for not re-joining. Went with a small, private traditional gym instead.

    You can SO do this!! Just keep making each choice as it comes.
    .-= Eternal Lizdom´s last blog ..I’m So Not A Quitter =-.

    • @Eternal Lizdom, I know three people who went there-one wasted her membership by simply stopping, the second just went (for years) to KEEP healthy, and the third lost almost 200 pounds. Of course, she did other things as well, but Curves started it. I don’t want a traditional gym myself for several reasons: there is only one here and it is cost-prohibitive, the hours at Curves are perfect for me and it is three blocks from home, and I don’t want to work out with men. But in time, it might not be enough for me-I made the one-year commitment, and we’ll see how I feel then.

  5. Ok, that bugs me that she asked you if your partner will sabotage you. I have been to a lot of gyms and never been asked that. Maybe it is because it is a women only gym, but geesh, I would have been angry.
    I saw on a commercial that they have a round circut workout that is like 1/2 hour and is kick ass. Do they?
    Good luck!
    .-= Danielle´s last blog ..The damn thing lied to me =-.

    • @Danielle, It didn’t bother me in the sense that you mean, but in the sense that we still very much live in a man’s world and unfortunately, apparently a lot of men don’t want their partners to lose weight/be healthy. The more I think about it, the more I believe that they might feel threatened-which seems ridiculous to me.

      Yes, that is exactly what it is; you go around the circuit twice, and how hard it kicks your ass depends on how much you WANT it to, I think. I mean, there are no weights to take on and off, it is all hydraulic, so you can make yourself work as hard as you want to. So far, and today was only day two of going there, I am not REALLY pushing myself-because I am still unfamiliar with the machines and the routine, plsu am terribly out of shape.

  6. Sounds like you are getting great help and support. You DO have to eat enough to lose weight. I worked for Weight Watchers for years and this was quite an issue- many people just want to starve themselves thin and it does not work.
    As to the support at home thing- I remember once when I was in Weight Watchers as a member and a woman was talking about this very issue- how her boyfriend kept trying to sabotage her and our leader- a guy I will always love- looked at her and said, “How would you like to loose 185 pounds of ugly fat instantly? Get rid of him!”
    I will never forget that.
    .-= Ms. Moon´s last blog ..It’s A Man’s World =-.

    • @Ms. Moon, I do have to say that Steve has never commented about me having gained weight, not once, and he is VERY supportive-not because he gives a shit what I look like, but because I do. But then he is a lot more secure than most men I know-and I think that has a lot to do with it. I love that guy for saying that, because isn’t it just the truth?

      As for eating more to lose weight, I GET the concept, I really do. So I have increased my calories by about 300/day, and am hungrier than I have ever been. I go back in to talk to T. on Monday about my diet, she will go over my food diary with me, so hopefully she can make some suggestions about what I can eat that will fill me up longer.

  7. Oh, I just want to say so much to that, and I’m sure I’ll forget half of it. Here goes –

    Hurray for you! That first step is the hardest. I did it and it worked, because I really cared about the reason (wanting to get pregnant, then staying healthy) and that is the main thing, I think.

    About the hunger – it gets better as you adjust to it. I think part of it is that your stomach has to shrink, and part of it your brain has to adjust. But I do hope you’re having enough for breakfast, because I also fell in the trap of not eating enough for a while.

    About the man-thing: I think that’s a very clever question, because while no woman should stop a man from doing this kind of thing, I’m sure a lot of men would try to sabotage their wife feeling better about herself (because a depressed wife is easier to dominate), so it may be a good thing to alert the woman to this possibility so she’s on the lookout.

    Oh, and I think it does all matter to me, and I care, so there. 🙂

    Yeah, your blog – I’ll stop now.
    .-= Mwa´s last blog ..Blurgh =-.

    • @Mwa, Oh, no, I LOVE comments like this! And yeah-I do understand the whole men/sabotage thing, because they might not as easily control their women (ahem. Like that happens so much at my house), and because they don’t wanth their wife/partner/whatever to somehow be sexy or pretty to other men. Heaven forbid, right? It drives me CRAZY, even though I know she is right.

      and I am much less hungry today; yay!

  8. My son was recently diagnosed as pre-diabetic. His doc said we should be able to manage his glucose levels with diet and exercise alone. To make it easier for him, I prepare one meal and everyone eats the same thing. It’s not a radical change in eating habits, but enough to leave us all a bit hungry between meals. It’s good for us all and hopefully, we can manage our weight together.

    Good luck at Curves!
    .-= Tara R.´s last blog ..Improved Polls and Ratings =-.

  9. Awesome Kori! I have done (did – need to rejoin and get back at that) “It Figures” for the last 8 years or so, which is exactly the same as Curves, and it does work. I just wanted to tell you (which maybe T did at check in) not to be disappointed if you don’t see WEIGHT loss right away…pay more attention to the inches and how you feel and how your clothing fits, because you are going to be building muscle tone, and muscle weighs more than fat. It took me a WHILE (it was 8 years ago – don’t ask me exactly how long) to start actually losing pounds, but I was losing inches early on. Once you get some muscle tone built up, THAT in itself is going to help you burn more fat, since muscles burn calories even at rest 🙂 Good luck lady – I know you can do it!!

  10. I’m writing this as you commented over on Xbox4NappyRashes site congratulating him on the birth of his daughter.

    I am writing it here because this post is down the page a bit and i don’t want him to see it 🙂

    A while ago, before Martin’s (xbox4nappyrash) wife got pregnant I promised I would post a youtube video of me singing “Yes” by Mcalomont & Butler whilst accompanying myself on the ukulele to celebrate the birth of their child.

    This will not be a pretty sight as I can neither sing, nor really play the ukulele (this isn’t false modesty – I really can’t).

    However what I thought might make it really cool would be instead of just a straight video I put together a montage of videos shot by readers of his blog all celebrating – i.e. dancing, sticking thumbs up, cheering, holding up signs, that sort of thing. It would have to be something that would work without sound as I would put my (awful) soundtrack over the top of it.

    It would be great if you could participate. If you send me a short 5-15 second video clip (or at a push a photo, but a video would be much better) along with your name and blog then I’ll put it together with other submissions and get something ready for the end of the week. I think it would be a really nice thing to do for martin to show him and E how pleased we are for him. and Martin has been incredibly supportive of me and my various projects in the past.

    Thanks for taking the time to read this. My email address is dghughes28@yahoo.co.uk

    Thanks again.

    Dan.

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