Just like anything else, the more I don’t blog, the harder it is to get back into the routine. I don’t know why I haven’t been “feeling it” lately, but I haven’t-and rather regale everyone with minutiae, it is just easier to not say anything at all. That seems to be the way of it these days, both in blogland and in real life.
I could write about how Sam’s dad coming back into his life, to what extent I am allowing him, has been a very mixed blessing. Sam is happy, but just underneath the happiness are three years and more of anger, disappointment and fury all welling up. Because of the dynamics of the whole non-relationship, I think Sam is afraid to tell his dad how he feels for fear that he will get angry and disappear again. I could write about how that translates directly into becoming a completely different child at home seemingly overnight, where every night I just breathe a sigh of relief when he is finally asleep, often after having exhausted himself with tears, or I could write about how terrible he feels because he has no one to talk to about these things, or I could write about my stomach clenches in the morning when I hear his voice-because the whole messy drama starts over again. I could write, too, about how hard it is to be the target once again for all of his considerable fury, and how hard it is for Steve, too, to suddenly deal with a 10 year old who loved him unreservedly a month ago but hates him now simply because he is. This is not fun for any of us, including the siblings who are also constantly being tormented by the thoughtless actions of a boy who is acting out, and are so tired, just like we are, of the constant conflict.
Or I could tell you all about how a friend from the program was diagnosed with lung cancer a few weeks ago, and though I don’t know to what extent it has spread, it is still a sad thing. I looked at her on Friday night and was amazed at how beautiful she is, how upbeat she remains, and am basically in awe at the grace she is showing through this. Early days yet, of course, and no doubt there will be days where she is less than graceful, but life is messy and ugly sometimes. she is young, too young to be going through this, but then people much younger have to as well-I don’t know why I think any of us might be immune.
Also at the meeting, we have a new member who is a registered sex offender; this is not new, we get all kinds, and mostly I really don’t care. My job is simply to support those desiring to stop drinking, and mostly that isn’t all that hard. After all, there is a difference between supporting someone’s recovery in meetings and being best pals with them outside the meeting. This one hit close to home, though, and I know too much about him outside the meetings. I could write about how hard it sometimes is to walk the fine line of anonymity, of knowing that the guidelines of AA tell me that I am not allowed to tell anyone what I do know, but how my beliefs as a person who has been deeply affected by the actions of a sexual predator are warring with those guidelines.
Or wait, maybe I could tell you about how Hannah is wavering about going back to a boyfriend I was so proud of her for breaking up with, or how we had a huge family gathering with the other side of Steve’s family over the weekend and actually had fun. We got pictures done, including some of our fmaily, the four kids, and Steve and I together. I could write about how in one of the pictures I snapped of Eli with our new camera shows how he suddenly has the hands of a man, and how that makes me feel.
So you see, there is much going on here, things I could write an entire post about but just can’t seem to gather my thoughts together enough to do so. I am still here, still plugging along, but I am feeling very, very tired and discouraged in general these days. Still working out, still eating better, still taking care of myself so far as I can, but still, just kind of beaten for the moment. This, too, shall pass, right? Because feelings are just feelings, and none of them will kill me-and if I have learned nothing else over the past few years, I have learned that the flip side of the negative feelings is simply joy, and that is worth slogging through the shit for.