It took me all day to write this so be gentle if you can

I did not want to get out of bed this morning, cuddled up underneath the covers with Owen snuggled up on one side of me and Steve on the other.  It was raining, too, the sound one of comfort and peace, and I felt altogether too comfortable to want to even move.  Also, I had been dreaming, one of the rare times of actually remembering a dream-I was at Ms. Moon’s house, and I have been there before in my dreams so it was as familiar a place to me as anything is.  Her friend Lis was there, too, and she was singing to me and Ms. Moon was covering me up with some sort of down blanket.  I am certainly not one to look for meanings in dreams, and am much more inclined to think of them as the way our minds purge out unnecessary information.  Still, even I can see that this was a dream about being nurtured, about being cared for.  Funny that no one I know in my waking life was there, but dreams are strange that way, aren’t they?

I think I even know why I had this dream; I haven’t been feeling especially nurtured lately, and it has been a really hard couple of weeks for me.  I think most of you know that there have been a couple of failed friendships recently, and even though I freely admit that I had a part in that, partly because people change and grow and partly because I am a bitch, it has still been extremely difficult for me.  Also, a few issues at home have arisen and what I have been hearing is, “I love you as long as you don’t question anything I say or do, as long as you never express your opinion, and please don’t ever tell me how you really feel.  As long as you can abide by those conditions and we never share a cross word or hurt each other’s feeling, I love you.”  What that translates into for me is the ever-present,”You are not good enough.  Not smart enough, not kind enough, not caring enough, not enough.”  I get so tired of fighting these demons, and I don’t understand why they keep coming up.  I go through a period of time where I am pretty okay, actually.  Still mentally ill, of course, but basically fine.  Then something happens, and something else, and since I am prone to depression anyway, well, I get a little more insane than usual. 

Since I have been making a conscious effort during Lent and all to give up that negative self-talk, I have been working really hard at stopping those thoughts before they can even become fully formed, but it isn’t always possible.  I think I “get” the whole dream thing, though.  We all need nurtured, and sometimes we don’t get what we need from other people so we have to do it ourselves.  Not in the “Please let me be a martyr and just fucking do it myself because you are useless” kind of way, but in the self-care, loving kind of way.  Here is my problem right this minute, though: I am tired.  Two of my fours kids have turned into something akin to the devil seemingly overnight, including  Eli getting into a fight after school and having a big cut underneath his eye.  It feels like conflict from the minute we get up to the moment they all go to bed, and I am tired of it.  I am tired of having everything I do wrong pointed out to me every single time, because godfuckingdammit, I am not perfect but I for damn sure don’t spend every waking minute of my life being a fuck-up; I need, on occasion, to hear about one blessed thing I did right even if that meant I got out of the bed.  I am just-I am tired.  And I can love and nurture myself all I want and need, but it isn’t the same as once in awhile having someone you love say, “You look tired; let me get you some tea and tuck some warm covers around you and sing you to sleep.” Metaphorically speaking, of course, hence the dream of Ms. Moon and Lis.

Well.  It has taken me the whole day to get this written in bits and pieces, little hard bullets of saying please help me so hard to say out loud.  Because to put them out there makes it real, right?  And that in turn makes me vulnerable which in turn scares me.  Which makes me  then want to isolate from people because to put myself out there means I risk rejection, and instead of letting myself be vulnerable I close myself off so  I can’t be hurt.  There you go-me in a nutshell. 

BUT: I have a friend who I am meeting for coffee tomorrow who tells me that I am enough, even though she knows me well and knows that I have a ton of issues to work through-and instead of me hearing from her that I am too much of this and  not enough of this, she ask me what she can do to help.  I have another friend who cared enough about me to say,”It hurts my feelings when you do this” and allowed me the opportunity to do better instead of shutting me out of her life.  I have these people who somehow manage to deal with me and my fucking craziness and love me anyway, even when I am not, in fact, being lovable.  Maybe this has to be enough, you know?  I don’t know; one of my friends has told me more than once that she thinks I am suffering from PTSD, due to the events of the last two years.  Sam’s dad showing up hasn’t helped things any, because the combination of different things has brought up all of this old, nasty ugly shit about abuse and abandonment, about violation and distrust and absolute insecurity.  Not insecurity in terms of “Oh, I am so insecure (which, ok, I am right now, very much so, thank you for pointing that one out to me, too) but rather lack of security-and her take is that the only way to get through it in all reality is to simply get through it and try not to kill anyone in the process.  Which actually kind of makes sense, even though PTSD doesn’t really make much sense to me.  Still-whether it makes sense or not, I kind of believe in it.

So.  There you have it.  I am losing my mind a little, grieving some pretty major losses and feeling a lot of really ugly feelings and I am not sure where I am going or, really, who I even am anymore.  I don’t know what to DO with all of this shit I have inside me, other than come here and write it out.  I don’t know what to do with any of it, really, other than figure out how to cope.  Today, this means I go work out tonight after I get off work because that makes me feel better.  It means we get to go out tonight to celebrate Steve’s birthday and I get to lavish on him the love that I need because most of the time, it comes back tenfold.  And I can’t drink.  When it comes right down to the bare bones of it all, there are some days where the next right thing for me is to simply acknowledge that drinking isn’t going to solve one fucking thing, and today is day like that one.

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14 thoughts on “It took me all day to write this so be gentle if you can

  1. It makes me happier than I can say that Lis and I were nurturing you in your dreams. I was just thinking yesterday about what a nurturer she is. She says, quite literally and quite often, “What can I do for YOU?” And she means it. And it definitely comes through in her music.
    Even if we were raised without the sort of nurturing that one would expect and which is every child’s due, we still know that we need it, somewhere in our bones. Your dream told you that when your mind was too asleep to fight the concept.
    Let your girlfriends do for you sometimes. Men are good at lots of things but mostly not so good at nurturing. I know some are but I think for most it’s an alien concept. But our women friends often WANT to do that. We have it leaking out of us like unneeded breast milk. Trading it around is a good thing.
    And nurturing yourself is the best thing. Remember to do it. It’s not a luxury. It’s a necessity.
    Here I am, covering you up with one of my cozy covers. Do you feel me?
    .-= Ms. Moon´s last blog ..Bungle Through The Jungle =-.

  2. Part of me wants to give you a list of awesomet hings about you.

    Part of me wants to tell you how you can “fix” the problem.

    Part of me wants to blather on about self nuture being inside yourself and that it has to come first…

    Instead, I’ll virtually hand you…

    Kleenex to soak up tears as you let go
    hot chocolate (or a glass of wine)
    a teddy bear to cuddle

    And remind you that there are many shoulders out here (mine included, if you want it), broad and strong and able to help hold you up as you find your way through this.

    Because you will find your way. You will reconnect- with yourself and with those around you.
    .-= Eternal Lizdom´s last blog ..Vitamins =-.

  3. Well -you know my thoughts on most of this. Even though we talk nearly every day, I didn’t know you were feeling quite so low–or rather, quite so much like you’re sinking. I’m here, everyday, to offer an anchor for you, for whatever that’s worth…

    I think you are stronger than you know, and you are not a bitch. Don’t say that– make that part of your negative self-talk that needs to be done because you’re so much better than that. Truly.

  4. I’ve been to Ms. Moon’s house. It was awesome. I didn’t even read her blog before then so now I feel guilty. It would be a wonderful place to sit under a down blanket and watch the rain too. So serene.
    .-= Hockeymandad´s last blog ..Oh Well… =-.

  5. You’re working really hard. I can hear it. And you’ve been working really hard for a long, long time.

    Ms Moon is the uber nurturer and her home always sounds so safe and cozy. Makes sense to me that you’d dream of being there.

  6. I should have emailed you this comment instead of posting it, but I don’t have my inbox open and I’m lazy. But I wanted to tell you you’re not alone. The friendship dramas are plaguing me too; reading your post, I just kept nodding my head, saying, “yup, yup, yup!” I think it shows what a strong woman you are to end the friendships that weren’t adding anything to your life; that takes guts! Ultimately, I think you’ll be much happier in the end.

    ~Elizabeth
    Confessions From A Working Mom
    .-= Elizabeth @ Confessions From A Working Mom´s last blog ..Top 3 Thursdays: March 4th =-.

  7. I may totally be talking out of my ass since I don’t have a child over the age of two, but I am guessing that all we can expect of our kids is to hate us, at least until they have their own children and understand us better. So I guess what I am saying is that I am glad that you recognize that you have to feel good all on your own. I am glad that you have at least a few people that see all of the good that you offer.
    I think that you are great and very real. You get that we are all not perfect, you take responsibility for your issues when givin the chance and you work on them.
    You are a good mother and friend!
    .-= Danielle´s last blog ..Ca Ching! =-.

  8. Everyone needs some comforting like that. I want to send you some comfort just by commenting. You are doing this right – sharing your feelings. They ring true to me and make me think.

    (I dream of Ms. Moon and her house, too. Only last week I dreamt of her garage.)
    .-= Mwa´s last blog ..Curve ball =-.

  9. Everyone deserves to be taken care of at some point. I find it amazing how the tiniest things can make such a difference. My husband is not always taking care of me etc, but those days when he surprises me with a card or my favorite candy bar or just by doing one little extra thing with Sam so I don’t have to, it makes a difference.

    I think that it’s normal for you to feel this way some days – you have faced so much in your life, and in these last couple of years. There have to be days like this or what would happen to all of those feelings? I don’t know, but I think it’s better for them to come out sometimes so you can look at them, see them and then hopefully say goodbye to them, at least for that day.

    I’m not too wise, but I give good hugs. So, (hugs) to you and positive thoughts coming your way.

  10. I think your friend has a good point. I feel like I have blown off or dissed some people lately for no other reason than that I am dealing with things they can’t relate to and that irritates me, so I think maybe I can feel your pain a little. I hope you know that real friends are always ready to let bygones be bygones. At least, that’s what I tell myself in th hopes that some of these people won’t stay mad at me, hehe. Oy.

    Good luck with the kids. I don’t envy you the teenage years. At all. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
    .-= S.K.´s last blog ..So it goes =-.

  11. I wish I knew better how to comfort you over the internet. But I guess I’ll stick with telling you that I care and will be here for you as much as the internet allows. I want so badly for you to see yourself as the strong, amazing woman we all see through your writing.
    .-= Cat´s last blog ..Stomach bug-pocolypse =-.

  12. I found it really interesting what you said about dreams,

    “I am certainly not one to look for meanings in dreams, and am much more inclined to think of them as the way our minds purge out unnecessary information.”

    I’ve never though about it that way before and I think you’re on to something.

    Major hugs and love your way, Kori ❤

  13. That dream–I love that you had it. It’s perfect.

    I love that you have friends who can be real and can communicate in a way that isn’t aggressive or passive, but assertive. I like to think that I am that friend, cuz I would be. Healthy communications skills are such a gift.

    Thinking of you…
    .-= Mrs4444´s last blog ..Just a Couple of Notes… =-.

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