I don’t exactly know what the problem is lately, this feeling I have that everyone around me seems to be handling life much better than I am. Yesterday afternoon I had to go get Eli from school because he was ill and feverish, the result of a broken tooth; he was supposed to be going in to the dentist on Monday, but this couldn’t wait. I was able to get him in at a different dentist, and when I told my boss he was mad. Like, “Well, I guess if it HAS to be done there isn’t much I can do about it,” and I fretted about that all the long afternoon at the dentist’s office. The other office girl was on vacation all week last week, and is taking tomorrow afternoon off to go to, I don’t know, a rodeo or something, and it makes my boss mad when I have to take my son to the dentist? This is the kind of stuff that frustrates me, making me feel like my loyalty to my work is in question when my kids take precedence. I also feel worried, because Hannah has her doctor’s appointment on Monday, which will necessitate the afternoon off, and Eli has to go back to the dentist on the 23rd to finish up the work started (he had a root canal and temporary filling put in yesterday, and he has to have a crown put on it at the next appointment). In between those two things, there are Sam’s twice-weekly shots, plus he also has a dress rehearsal for his orchestra concert and the actual performance within the next two weeks, and of course there is the whole Driver’s Ed thing…. So I sit here and worry about whether or not my boss is going to get pissed every.single.time I have to be gone or leave early, and realize that I could very well lose my job over this kind of stuff. I *think* my work speaks for itself, and on the days when I have to leave early I work my ass off up to the point I have to leave, all of that stuff, but I feel pressured and watched, as if my every movement is being taken note of.
And these are the things that I wonder how other people seem to cope so well with. These day-to-day things that other people seem to take into stride and not even blink about. By time I got home yesterday evening after dropping Eli off at home and going to pick up the other three kids and stopping to pick up deli chicken for dinner, I was just-done. And I think I should be able to let things roll off my back and not get all stressed out and blah fuckety blah, but you know what? I just can’t. I am struggling, too, with feeling resentful about the financial implications of these times I have to take off, and of course THAT part of it is only going to get worse. Thinking about how I really don’t think we should go on vacation, which will piss everyone in the family off because they got this bigger house because we were planning on going, but how can I afford a vacation with everything coming down the pike? I got home and I just felt so terrible, I wanted to sit down and cry, but really, who has the time for that? I tried to take a bath but something about mom going into the bathroom and closing the door makes all hell break loose, and after Owen came in and started putting his toys in the tub with me and Sam ran in and out about 5 times to show me/tell me something so important that is couldn’t wait ten more minutes, well, I just gave up and got out. Sometimes it isn’t worth the hassle to yell at them and tell them over and over that a closed door means I don’t want anyone to come in, you know?
So. This is very much where I am today, which is a pretty shitty place to be. Yes, I know it will pass. Yes, I know that this is a time of transition and huge change, and that I have to accept it whether I want to or not. I know all this, yes, but I still feel very mired down right now. Angry. When do I get to have what I want, you know? I don’t mean that in the two-year-old selfish tantrumy kind of way, though I am sure I come across that way; I just mean it in the I am tired and sad and yes, resentful kind of way. Neither of which put me in a good light, but-maybe that doesn’t matter so much today.
There are good things, too, as there always is, but perhaps I will save those for my Friday Fragments post tomorrow. For now, the day beckons and I just need to get up and start moving forward for this day.