I don’t exactly know what the problem is lately, this feeling I have that everyone around me seems to be handling life much better than I am.  Yesterday afternoon I had to go get Eli from school because he was ill and feverish, the result of a broken tooth; he was supposed to be going in to the dentist on Monday, but this couldn’t wait.  I was able to get him in at a different dentist, and when I told my boss he was mad.  Like, “Well, I guess if it HAS to be done there isn’t much I can do about it,” and I fretted about that all the long afternoon at the dentist’s office.  The other office girl was on vacation all week last week, and is taking tomorrow afternoon off to go to, I don’t know, a rodeo or something, and it makes my boss mad when I have to take my son to the dentist?  This is the kind of stuff that frustrates me, making me feel like my loyalty to my work is in question when my kids take precedence.  I also feel worried, because Hannah has her doctor’s appointment on Monday, which will necessitate the afternoon off, and Eli has to go back to the dentist on the 23rd to finish up the work started (he had a root canal and temporary filling put in yesterday, and he has to have a crown put on it at the next appointment).  In between those two things, there are Sam’s twice-weekly shots, plus he also has a dress rehearsal for his orchestra concert and the actual performance within the next two weeks, and of course there is the whole Driver’s Ed thing….  So I sit here and worry about whether or not my boss is going to get pissed every.single.time I have to be gone or leave early, and realize that I could very well lose my job over this kind of stuff.  I *think* my work speaks for itself, and on the days when I have to leave early I work my ass off up to the point I have to leave, all of that stuff, but I feel pressured and watched, as if my every movement is being taken note of. 

And these are the things that I wonder how other people seem to cope so well with.  These day-to-day things that other people seem to take into stride and not even blink about.  By time I got home yesterday evening after dropping Eli off at home and going to pick up the other three kids and stopping to pick up deli chicken for dinner, I was just-done.  And I think I should be able to let things roll off my back and not get all stressed out and blah fuckety blah, but you know what?  I just can’t.  I am struggling, too, with feeling resentful about the financial implications of these times I have to take off, and of course THAT part of it is only going to get worse.  Thinking about how I really don’t think we should go on vacation, which will piss everyone in the family off because they got this bigger house because we were planning on going, but how can I afford a vacation with everything coming down the pike?  I got home and I just felt so terrible, I wanted to sit down and cry, but really, who has the time for that?  I tried to take a bath but something about mom going into the bathroom and closing the door makes all hell break loose, and after Owen came in and started putting his toys in the tub with me and Sam ran in and out about 5 times to show me/tell me something so important that is couldn’t wait ten more minutes, well, I just gave up and got out.  Sometimes it isn’t worth the hassle to yell at them and tell them over and over that a closed door means I don’t want anyone to come in, you know?

So.  This is very much where I am today, which is a pretty shitty place to be.  Yes, I know it will pass.  Yes, I know that this is a time of transition and huge change, and that I have to accept it whether I want to or not.  I know all this, yes, but I still feel very mired down right now.  Angry.  When do I get to have what I want, you know?  I don’t mean that in the two-year-old selfish tantrumy kind of way, though I am sure I come across that way; I just mean it in the I am tired and sad and yes, resentful kind of way.  Neither of which put me in a good light, but-maybe that doesn’t matter so much today.

There are good things, too, as there always is, but perhaps I will save those for my Friday Fragments post tomorrow.  For now, the day beckons and I just need to get up and start moving forward for this day.

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9 thoughts on “

  1. I won’t claim to have it all together all of the time. I do think I handle a lot of daily stress and life stress fairly well. Here’s what I do:

    1. Allow myself a small treat. Ice cream, perhaps.

    2. My faith guides me. My faith gets me through. I pray and turn it over and then make the best decisions that I can and move on.

    3. Sometimes, I really just need a night out with a girlfriend or 2- out for sushi or something.

    4. Perspective. I catch myself getting into this either/or mindframe. If I can’t have it this way, then I get nothing. But it isn’t true. If I work at it, I can find compromises. Like-

    For vacation… we are scaling back this year. I had hoped we would be able to do the PA vacay we did in 2008 but I don’t think we can, financially. So I’m looking at other options that will still be fun but keep us closer to home and in a better budget. So instead of it being no vacation- it’s a different vacation.

    5. Focus. When I’m overwhelmed, I sometimes have to put on blinders and focus only on NOW. Worrying about bills or what’s coming next or when I have to be where can scare the crap out of me. So when I feel that creeping in, I have to stop and focus on what is in front of me right in THIS moment.

    6. Choice. Remember that life is all about choices. Even when we feel pinned to the wall, there is a choice somewhere. Even if you feel like the only choice you get is which underwear you pick for the day…

    That’s all I’ve got for now. Stay tough and stay in the now.
    .-= Eternal Lizdom´s last blog ..Take Cover! =-.

  2. I hear ya!
    Those people that look like they have it all together? They don’t. No more than the rest of us. They are probably just afraid to show it.

    Sit back in the tub, kick the bathroom door shut, light a candle and breathe.

    Everyone will be okay when you take a few minutes for yourself. You are entitled to care for you. If you don’t, it’s harder to take care of them.

    Your boss? Total weed, if he doesn’t understand that family takes prescedence over work.
    .-= Catootes´s last blog ..turning in my good mom immunity idol =-.

  3. I wish you had help from the father end of the deal; it’s not right that the only one sacrificing is you. You do it with grace (yes, you do, I’m sure of it). I wish your boss could value what it means to be a good parent.

    Hugs to you…
    .-= Mrs4444´s last blog ..Delicious! =-.

  4. I am sorry you have to feel this way. I bitch about my job a lot, but then I remember how well they work with me when I need to do anything with my kid. Of course I don’t get paid very much so maybe they are making up for that.
    I can’t imaging having to worry about that too.
    I know that you know it will get better.
    Chin up!
    .-= Danielle´s last blog ..The Happiness Project: Week 6 =-.

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