I have the Monday Blues. Someone hacked into my blog AGAIN, and really screwed things up. I have lost comments from people on the post I wrote last week about Hannah, which makes me mad because it was kind of a good one, I had to have someone help me because there were a ton of comments from spammers and she ended up having to blacklist some (so if you wrote a comment and it is gone, or if you can’t comment, email me and let me know and we can un-blacklist you), blah blah blah. It was a not very good birthday in that all I asked for was a card from and dinner out with Steve, and I didn’t even get the fucking card, and it hurt my feelings-because I didn’t think a card was too much to ask for. Bah. I know we aren’t supposed to do nice things for people in expectation of something in return, but already I am thinking that next year when his birthday comes around, he will get the same thing I got this year-nothing. Again, bah. And yes, I know he does a lot of really nice things for me at other times, I know that he is a good man and all that-I do know that. But still.
More than that, though, I don’t know. I am just kind of having hard time lately, hard time doing anything or getting out of this horrible cycle. Time to get back on the anti-depressants, I think, because I kind of think I am losing my mind a little bit. Maybe normal people don’t get all worked up about birthdays, maybe they don’t panic when driving home in the dark on the freeway when there is road construction, maybe they don’t get annoyed beyond all get out when the three year old can only find one each of two pairs of shoes, I don’t know. I just find that I am struggling with finding my fucking happy place and whatever peace I had last week is just gone now. I don’t think I used to have such a hard time getting back into the living-in-the-moment, feeling joy in spite of troubles, all that jazz, but it seems elusive and short-lasting these days, gone in an instant.
Hannah, Eli and I did get up at oh-dark-thirty and go walking this morning, which was good. Not good to have to drag myself out of bed too early, but once I got up and we were out there walking, it was lovely. Cold, though-we have rain and snow forecast all week and maybe that’s why I can’t get over myself, the crappy weather. Anyway, the three of us are going to walk every morning, so it will be good to have other people to hold me accountable; I have been horribly lazy lately. Also, we have finished with the early-morning classes for Driver’s Ed, and two more weeks of actual driving and we will be done with that, so I can back into something of a routine, and that will help. A friend has offered Hannah some maternity clothes, so that is one less thing. I do know this will pass, all of this, but damn, I get tired.
Monday. Tomorrow will be a better day, I just know it.