I wish I knew what to say, how to say this thing that has now reared it’s head. I wish I had the words to make something ugly and painful at least sound beautiful, or eloquent, or something different than what it is, but I just can’t. I came home from work, looking forward to a nice three day weekend, and while I guess the weekend is still here, there will be nothing lovely about it. Long story fairly short, Steve broke up with me tonight, and though for a variety of reasons that make sense in context we are going to try to fake it through the weekend, he will most likely be moving out Sunday or Monday. I am-well. I am many, many things, but “okay” is not one of them. Not by any stretch of the imagination.
Obviously I am hurt, and yes, stunned-though I didn’t think things were perfect, because I don’t think they ever ARE “perfect,” this is obviously not what I was expecting. He has been some distant the last little while, so I went through a little bout of insecurity, but then I figured that he was simply being a guy and was trying to work some things out on his own. We haven’t been fighting, we have still been okay in the bedroom, we have been laughing and were, I thought, okay, for the most part. Clearly my bout of insecurity was warranted, as clearly he WAS working out some things on his own. Working out how to tell me that the final straw for him was having Hannah get pregnant, how he moved in not because he loved me but because he needed me and thought it might work out, and that the kids are a big part of the problem. You know, those pesky little kids that I have had since long before I met him, right? It’s not like he moved in and was here a month and then I said,There is something I need to tell you; I have four kids, one of whom is yours.” Bygones.
I am hurt, I am sad, I am all of those things you would expect me to be. I am afraid, and I am angry-because he has been here a year, you guys. Long enough for all of us to get used to having him here, to relying on him, to trust that he was actually going to stay. I am confused and uncertain, and suddenly this life I thought I had, thought I was working toward, has been ripped out from under me in the space of a few minutes. I did the right thing and let the Idaho Housing Authority know he had moved in, so I got bumped off the program, and now if I want to reapply there is another 18 month waiting list-longer, probably, due to the enormous budget cuts here in Idaho recently. The increase in rent to the full amount has been fine, since there were two incomes, but now suddenly it is NOT fine; I can’t live here on what I make, not by a long shot-especially taking into account that I am going to have to pay the monthly bills he was paying. There is no way I can go on vacation now, no way at all, and I don’t know how in the flying fuck I am going to support Hannah and her baby while she finishes high school.
And while the financial implications of this are overwhelming, they are but a drop in the bucket. They are what I pick to write about because it hurts me too much to talk about how I really feel. It hurts to admit to the world what a stupid, stupid girl I have been, it hurts in a place so deep down inside me as to make me want to scream with the rawness of it-to talk about how my kids have loved him, and now he is leaving not just me but them, to write down in black and white how this completely fucks up everything I have been trying to learn how to do, shakes whatever belief I have tried to foster that love really is possible.
I am just too tired to start over. And yet I have to, because just like so many other times in my life I have.no.choice. right now, I am just going to get through tonight, and I will get up again in the morning, and that’s as far ahead as I am willing to look right now. I am sure there will be many more days pf processing that you will all be subject to, but right now, this is all I’ve got.