I feel like I am just pretty much slogging through today, putting one foot in front of the other and trying to remember to breathe. Some days are like that, when I feel like it takes every bit of energy I have to simply get out of bed. Today is one of those days, let me tell you, and I just feel beaten. Part of this is because I emailed Steve and called him, for a legitimate reason, even, and he will not return phone calls or answer email (let me be clear about something: I called him twice. And emailed once, and let it go. We are not talking about harassing him or being psychotic). So I called him at work this morning and he either really isn’t there or he is telling them to tell me that he isn’t there. And this, I don’t understand. After all, he made the decision to leave, he is getting exactly what he wanted, so I don’t understand why he needs to continue to punish me. I have nothing to fight with him about-or rather I have LOTS of things to fight with him about but I am choosing not to, because that only hurts ME. However, we do share a son together, and we last left it that he would pick up Owen on Wednesday evenings and every other weekend to start, so I needed to know if that was still his intention (so that I can plan my own weekend), and also he ended up with a couple of things of mine when he gathered up his things. Long story short, his refusal to even talk to me makes this even uglier and more painful than it already is, and seems really unfair and immature of him.
However, I still worry, and I am afraid there is something far deeper going on that he was willing to admit. Maybe another woman, maybe the alcohol, something, and that makes me very, very sad for him. I have to detach from this in as loving a manner as possible, and that is really very difficult for me to do when I am so worried and sad and scared. I know, though (see? the list of things I DO know continues), that there isn’t anything I can do about any of this, other than keep working on my own life and my own issues and feel however I need to feel. I pray for him; we learn that in AA, and it works to free ME from resentment, and beyond that, there isn’t anything I can do for him. I still love him-and I love him enough to let him go learn whatever lessons are in front him without me there to either hinder or help.
That doesn’t negate the sadness, though, and yesterday I felt the weight of it heavy on my chest all through the day. A deep and piercing sadness that goes far beyond the obvious-as someone pointed out to me, it isn’t like this doesn’t happen every day to people, so in that I am certainly not special or alone in feeling this kind of pain. I simply feel, still, slow and stunned and sad and confused, and my grief over losing Steve is also tied up with my grief about other things that have gone on; it feels like the last few years of my life have been spent dealing with a tremendous amount of loss, beyond what any human should be expected to bear. Still, I bear it, because there are few other options open to me. I bear the weight of unshed tears and unrealistic expectations placed upon me, bear the weight of silence and loneliness and fear, the persistent realization that this path I am walking is long and fucking hard and I have no idea where I am going at any given time. I feel thick with stupidity and blinded by the incredible amount of pain.
Still. Yesterday my people, my God with skin on people, rallied around and I got through the day. It is funny how that works, how people appear just when you need them and in the ways in which you need them. I have my friend C., and SJ, and Matt, and Janet stopped by the office as well; I hadn’t told her yet, so I did, and we talked about a few things and she let me cry a little. I talked to my sister in Washington for quite some time as well, and then my friend Rob called, and I got through the day. And maybe this is all the grace I am going to get, but it was enough for yesterday. Today is another story, and I have to believe, HAVE to believe, that what I need to get through today will also be provided. The only way to get through this is, quite simply, to get through it. Right now, I think that is all that is required of me-to get through this and bear it as well as I can.