***Today I admire the way the policemen back their into their spaces with such precision, always within the lines, noses pointing outward to be ready for anything. I watch them from across the street and while I laugh sometimes at their ridiculous posturing and exaggerated swaggers, I admire the way their bulletproof vests make even the plumpest of them all look strong and puffed up, admire the way they swing their arms and tilt their head at the schoolchildren there to tour the building and play with the sirens. I admire how even the surliest of them swoon with delight when the little ones say can I see your badge? Can I have a sticker? I imagine in the nighttime some of these children have contact with the same men in much more ominous ways, as they come to arrest a parent or family member, for drugs or domestic violence or any one of a dozen reasons, but when the sun is bright and the police smile I imagine there is a moment or two of holy communion that has nothing to do with church and everything to do with the image of security and protection these people impart.
***I admire, too, the way recovery works. If I get all wierded out about something, which (ahem) I have been lately, I get to talk to my friend and sponsor and she helps me get my head on straight. Or straighter, at least. I also have the opportunity to look at myself in the mirror every night and decide what I like and don’t like about myself that day, and then take steps to change it. A couple of people commented about how I have my shit together (thank you), and sometimes it is true that I inherently know what I need to do, but I really am not all THAT together. I have to admit that I went all psycho-crazy and called Steve about 10 times, knowing he wouldn’t answer and doing it anyway because I am, you know, fucked up. I am also worried for a variety of reasons and called both his mom and sister to find out if THEY knew anything (found out that he is not staying at his mom’s like he told me, which of course makes me worry what other things I have been lied to about in the last year?) And I don’t like that about myself today at all, so I get to do better tomorrow. Of course, I also have to make an amends to him (if I ever talk to him)(and maybe he will read my blog to find out what I am saying about him and if that is the case, I am sorry, Steve, more than you know) for being so insane, and recovery gives me the opportunity to know how to do that when the time is right and I am ready. Not just in this instance, but in many.
***I do not admire people who are deliberately nasty and hurtful. I received a lovely (where the fuck is that sarcasm font?) email from a former friend tonight. To give a slight bit of back story, we had a falling out a long time ago due to the fact that I told her a few things that she didn’t want to hear, and right, wrong, or indifferent, I feel the same toward her situation as I did back then and would probably still tell her the same thing. Now, I might try to sugarcoat it a little bit more, but bygones. Anyway, this woman sent me an email saying nothing but,”Karma is funny, isn’t it?” in response to my recent posts (and I might also add that this woman clearly still reads my blog, but has managed to make sure if I go to HER blog, I am redirected to a site called something like fuckyou.com or fuck something.com. A woman of many talents), so I want to give a big shout out to Wendy. Thanks so much for that; very thoughtful of you. I would like to point a couple of things, though. First, I think you are actually using Karma in the wrong context; since the basic premise of Karma is that we are visited in our current life by the things we have done in past lives, and you are referring to things I have done in THIS life, it just doesn’t apply. Really, if you want to get all technical about it, I can pretty much do whatever I want, because I personally won’t have to deal with any of it. And what is my future self going to do, come back and kick my ass? No, Wendy, I think the word that would apply the most in this situation is hubris, which is basically just a fantastic ego that makes one feel powerful and strong but then at some point down the road that same pride creates a major problem/downfall-think Achilles’ Heel, right? And I will take this pedantic lecture just little bit further and say that if either Karma OR Hubris are at work, you are so fucked. That said, dear Wendy, thank you again for sending me the lovely email. So nice to know that there are so many people in the world who are truly happy about someone else’s misfortune.
***I also do not admire the kind of people who stoop to this level like I just did. I was “talking” about this very thing-nasty hateful commenters-with someone else today and I told her that I either typically publish the comments and let my readers have at the commenter, or I simply delete them, but that it all depends on the person and the situation. In this case, since the person didn’t actually comment on my blog, I probably should have just deleted the email and moved on, but I am not that well yet.
***I admire the fact that I have managed to make it through an entire week since Steve told me his news without resorting to being a nutjob more than once. That is progress, baby. When Sam’s dad left, I was insane for about a year-kept going all of these really crazy things and fell into bed with him a couple of times and wailed and attached myself to his ankle with a metaphorical ten-ton chain; it took me that long to realize that the person I was keeping hostage was myself, and how simple to, finally, to simply unlock the chain!
***Admirable, too, is the way nature has all of these lovely surprises hidden up her sleeve. Along the side of our house we found strawberry plants, and I hadn’t thought they would do much this year because we kept mowing them down last summer and they are infiltrated with weeds and some kind of sage-smelling plant. The boys were out playing and nestled in amongst those weeds are about a dozen beautiful strawberries. We have been watching them closely since, and I am amazed at how fast they grow. Two days ago they were bright green with just the faintest blush of pink, and as of last night they are almost ready to pick. Happy surprises.
***I admire Mrs.4444 over at Half Past Kissin’ Time for coming up with idea for Friday Fragments. Why don’t you all join in and clear out your mind in preparation for the weekend?
*And just for the record, I would normally not ever publicly call someone out for being a hosebag. I am just getting really tired of being harassed and bullied by this person.