Enough

Today is a less cheerful kind of day, maybe because of the clouds and dampness, maybe because I have the whole weekend looming ahead, I don’t know.  We had a bit of a scare yesterday with the baby, Hannah wasn’t feeling her moving as much as she had been, so we took her in the the birthing center after work yesterday (Jacquie went with us) to make sure everything was all right.  Baby Girl is fine, good strong heartbeat and she did NOT like having the monitor strapped on Hannah; it pissed her off and she really started moving like crazy after that.  Still, it was NOT a wasted trip; no matter what the age, a first baby is a first baby, and peace of mind is no small thing, for any one of us.  Her doctor came in before she left to look at the strips from the NST and to reassure her that everything was fine, and he is just the kindest doctor in so many ways.  I was impressed, too, that the nurses did not treat Hannah like she was hysterical, but were instead very reassuring and encouraged her to come back if she was at all concerned about anything.  It bodes well for her ultimate labor/birth experience, and I am grateful for that.

Still, as good as that is, the knowledge that the baby is okay and that Hannah is okay, I am still feeling really sad today.  I had asked Steve a couple of days ago, via email, if he had ever REALLY loved me, and I don’t know why it is important for me to know that, but it is.  Of course he never replied, and no answer IS the answer, right?  So now in addition to having been left, and precipitously, I now have to figure out how to deal with the knowledge that it was basically all a lie.  I have written here about the feeling of having been used by him, and now it just hits home all over again that all we were to him was a means to an end.  He needed a place to go until he could get off probation, and-well.  I just feel so, so stupid, because shouldn’t I have known that?  Yes, I think I should have; it wasn’t the first time he had done something like that, and I don’t know why I really thought it would be any different this time.  And that?  Is all on me.  I can’t blame him for my stupidity, my naive belief that he had actually wanted to move in because he realized that he did, in fact, love me, and wanted to be part of my life. Ha.

So easy for people to say that it is his loss, but really, it isn’t, because he doesn’t care.  He got what he wanted, which was a place to stay for a year until he could get himself together a bit, and then when he felt like he was ready, we no longer registered on his radar.  Simple, isn’t it?  to say that it was his loss, but that would imply that he actually felt like he lost something-but that indicates a level of feeling that he never felt, so really, whose loss is it?  Not his, but ours.  Oh, he has Owen-unless he is drinking while Owen is WITH him, I will not ever prevent him from seeing Owen; the thing I don’t understand is why he felt like he had to move in here and live a lie in order to have access to Owen, you know?

What it is, then, is MY loss.  Again, easy for people to say “you will be better off,” and perhaps on some level that might be true.  However, it isn’t true in this moment, and I am weighted down by grief today.  You see, I gave so much of myself to him, because I love him and thought he loved me.  I gave him more than I have ever given anyone, including my two previous husbands, and I let him in to the point I swore i would never get to again with a man.  It is hard for me to be in a relationship, partly due to the violence and abuse inflicted on me when I was a child by various men but also because my second marriage was so, so horrible, and while I know I was FAR from perfect in the relationship, I felt like I had come a really long way.  I was starting to trust him, not just in general terms but with the secret parts of me, you know?  And-a lie, a lie, a lie. 

Still, what to do?  Nothing.  Try to deal with the way this makes me feel, which is betrayed, shitty, embarrassed (certain people might well be saying I deserve this for being so stupid, I know), lonely, foolish, so sad that it hurts me to breathe.  I said the other day that I don’t regret this last year, but I think I do-because I loved the wrong person foolishly and consequently caused a lot of grief to all of them.  Because I wrongfully let myself believe that I really could finally have what and who I wanted, because I believed in love.    And maybe now at 38 years old it is time, finally, to accept that I get to have my kids, and get to have a job I like, and get some new opportunities for work, but that it is going to have to be enough.

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13 thoughts on “Enough

  1. Aw Kori,
    It’s not okay. It stinks and it hurts and it’s just plain not fair. And you need to give yourself some time to grieve. Not just Steve but who you were with him and who you were (or believed you were) together. It will take time but eventually you will heal because the only other choice is refuse to do so and you are wiser than that!
    I pray that some day, when you’re ready, you will know a love that gives and receives rather than one that just takes! You deserve to be loved Kori! Don’t give up!

  2. Hugs to you, Kori, today, tomorrow, the next day and the ones after that. I know this is a hard process.

    We did an exercise that was good for me last week in yoga meditation. Maybe it is worth a try. I used it for a situation where I was feeling foolish and stupid for letting someone know I cared about them. While you concentrate on relaxing each part of your body and filling it with a color you find healing, say in your mind “I forgive you toes. I forgive you feet. I forgive you…” It might sound silly at first, but I found it very soothing and a start on letting go of the anger at the object of my affection. Anger which, in a large part I realized, was anger at myself.

    x0 N2

  3. You will come to a point where you are ready to close the chapter and move forward. You will do it in a fashion that leaves it all completely behind. Life is what it is. We all get crap thrown at us- you just happen to be getting a lot of it at once and for a long period of time.

    When you know better, you choose better. You can’t know better without some painful learning in the process.

    And yay for the baby being ok. I think all moms go through those scares. I certainly did- with both babies. I was always so grateful for the patient and understanding staff at my OB’s office!

  4. Go for it. Some days are good and some days are bad, but feeling… it proves you’re still alive.

    It’s funny reading this post, but it sounds SO much like a book I’m reading right now – at least that you’re in the same place the author was at the point in the story I’m at. Maybe something to read that might bring perspective (in a good way)? It’s “This Isn’t The Story You Think It Is…”

    *hugs* And SO glad things with Hannah are ok!

  5. There will be many days where you feel like you were stupid, or wrong, but sometimes, the truth is? Love just seems like enough. It seems like enough for all the other signs that are there, and so you ignore. We’ve all done it, we’ve all been there. It just happens. Don’t beat yourself up, honey. You’ll get there. xox

  6. I am sorry you are going through this, and as cliche as it sounds for other people to tell you it gets better, you really do have to give yourself some slack, and stop blaming yourself. You did nothing wrong.

  7. NO! YOU cracked your heart open and gave away the love that poured out. That was what you wanted and needed to do. That was beautiful and holy and if it wasn’t received in that spirit, it is NOT YOUR FAULT!
    And thirty-eight is young.
    Believe me.
    There is so much more for you, Kori. Put your hand on the radio. I am testifying that it is so.

  8. You were authentic, and he was not. I still think it’s better to be authentic and to embrace life than to do the opposite. Easy for me to say, I guess, but I mean it. You are such a fantastic human being; I wish we lived closer, because I would love to be there IRL for you.

    Another thought I have is that you might avoid all of this black or white thinking; he isn’t all bad or all good. Maybe this was his intention all along, but that doesn’t mean he never cared for you at all and that your judgement was completely f-cked up; you saw good in him, kindness, etc. because it WAS there.

    Love you…

  9. No, you don’t deserve this. You can’t have all good days, but thankfully you can’t have all BAD days either. Getting through the shit is what you have to do. I’m hoping the good start to outweigh the bad. And stop being so hard on yourself. You’re a smart woman.

  10. You know what you get? You get to feel. He doesn’t. I say in the long run, YOU WIN! It hurts, it sucks, but you are a good women that feels loss and gave your heart to someone. That says volumes for you as a person! Give your self and mental break and accept the pain as growth!
    Hugs!!!

  11. You don’t deserve this, so please cut yourself some slack. I don’t have any sweet words to offer, because I’ve been there and when you’re feeling that crappy they don’t really help… but I am thinking of you. I really like what Ms4444 said about avoiding black or white.

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