Today is kind of a sad day, a hard day, not for any one reason in particular but for many small and big reasons all wrapped up together. I haven’t been sleeping well again, in part because my window AC unit finally bit the dust so it was, quite literally, nearly 100 degrees in our house last night. Mostly, though, I can feel the sharp teeth of panic and fear nibbling away at my defenses in the night, so I lay there and try to reason them all out, pray, write, reason them out again until finally I fall into a troubled sleep. We are all grouchy at home lately, too, the first hard emotional month nearly over yet the reality of it still barely sinking in. Owen cries for his daddy at night, or comes home from a visit telling me he didn’t want to come home, and I feel that same helpless, impotent rage at how this has turned out. It isn’t fair, I want to scream, stomp my feet, do all of those things small children do when they are hurt and disappointed, but-no, life isn’t fair, and I know that.
I am, as you all still know, processing, but I do want to reiterate a couple of things here. No matter how easy it is for everyone on the outside fringes to say that I am better off without Steve and all of that, he isn’t and wasn’t dead weight to me. This isn’t about waking up one morning and suddenly realizing how much HAPPIER I am. There are benefits to him being gone, and it is necessary in so many ways because of the drinking-even if he wanted to come back, which he doesn’t, I couldn’t let him. That doesn’t, however, make me feel better, make me any less sad. I look at him and it still hurts my heart, way down deep. I think he might already have a girlfriend, and that hurts, too-it has only been a month, you see, and-well. If he doesn’t already have one, I know it won’t be long before he does, and that hurts. All of these inevitable things, and I remember why I didn’t WANT to fall in love with anyone else all those years ago-because it always ends, and the pain fucking sucks. I have heard that the third time is the charm, right? So maybe in this case, it isn’t the charm so much as it is a lesson learned THREE times is finally learned.
I don’t know. Everything just feels really hard and sad today, and I want to roll into a ball and cry, or scream and yell and rage at Steve or Fate or God or whomever. I know that laying blame helps no one; what is it that we say in AA, that when you point a finger at someone else, there are four other fingers pointing right back at yourself? So yes, I AM the problem, and to lay blame means I am not taking responsibility for my own part in all this. I am trying to do that, neither lay too much blame on anyone, but-but. But but but but but. God I am tired of that word.
I know this will pass, and tomorrow will be another day, where everything will be different. Perhaps not better, mind you, but different, at least. Hell, I might feel a thousand percent better later today, I don’t know. All I know is that right now sucks; today feels heavy on my chest and my throat aches with sorrow. The Russian Olive trees are blooming and the smell reminds me of him; it is the beginning of the whole five day 4th of July celebration here and that also reminds me of him, to the point where I won’t actually go to any of the events because he will be there and I will probably run into him and, if he has one, the replacement for me, and-well. Like I said, today sucks.
Please let tomorrow be better. I sometimes feel like that is asking an awful lot, but just-please.