Wouldn’t you know that it was windy and not especially pleasant, weather-wise, for the 4th of July weekend, but today is supposed to be hot with no wind? We did still manage to go out and have fun over the weekend, but when it is 70 degrees with 20 MPH winds, swimming is not in the cards for this old lady. Still, it was fun to go to the river early and stake out our spot for the fireworks; the kids were all swimming (brave souls!) and I stretched out on the blanket and read. Some friends of ours met up with us in the evening and we picnicked and visited until time for the fireworks, and all in all it was a lovely day.
On Saturday, Sam and Eli and I went to the river with the dogs, and it was a rather hilarious venture. First, there was a young family there as well; the dad was fishing and the mom was reading and there were two little kids-dressed in nice clothes, and not a speck of dirt on them. Being friendly, kid-oriented dogs, both of ours came bounding up to the family, whereupon both kids started shrieking and screaming. Keep in mind we have a BassetHound and a little mutt puppy-not threatening dogs to say the least, and neither of them were jumping up on the kids, but bygones. We went to a spot further down, and the dogs are pretty good about sticking close and listening when we tell them to stay, so they didn’t continue to be a problem. Anyway, we could still see this family, and it was-well. I get that not everyone is outdoorsy, I get that some kids are more timid than others, but I did not see either child-and they were both small children-even sit down in the sand. Like I said, their clothes were immaculate, the little boy wearing nice khaki shorts with a button-down shirt tucked into it, and all they did the entire time they were there was walk around and kick at the ground. Like they were bored. It kind of made me laugh; really? Who takes their kids to the river in clothes like that? And what kind of kids won’t get dirty? At the, you know, RIVER? No matter-WE all had fun. Still too cold for me to even contemplate swimming, but the boys and dogs were maniacal about it. We “explored,” as Sam put it, and took pictures and lit off bottle rockets and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.
The rest of the weekend was spent doing yard work and chauffering kids around and doing the mundane little things like laundry and dishes and more laundry. I even went so far as to clean out the fridge, but only under duress. You see, I have been smelling the slightest whiff of death and decay, and I was seriously starting to worry that it was either the fridge or one of the cats had killed a mouse and left some parts laying around out of sight. It wasn’t the fridge-there was nothing terribly disgusting in there, and I didn’t even have to throw away any plastic containers that had transformed whatever leftover was in it from food to mold to some unidentifiable mush. A good day. Still don’t know where the smell is coming from, and I think I might have to search under the kitchen sink, but not today. Probably not tomorrow either.
And now, the summer really starts to fly by. Sam leaves for camp next weekend, and Eli also heads to my dad’s for the week. I will gather Sam from camp and take him to dad’s and will bring Eli home at the same time, and we also have a baby shower for Hannah coming up on the 24th. We will then be getting ready to leave for vacation, and even though I don’t have any real spending money at this point, my family is making sure we get there-and that is such a lovely feeling.
I am still not so great emotionally, and want to thank everyone for your kind comments on some of my recent posts. It does help, to be reminded that there are other people who see who I really am-infinitely flawed but still lovable, or at least likable. I feel, still, the ache of sadness and grief, and I suspect I might be feeling that for quite some time. I have been doing some 12 step work, and as a result have been realizing some hard truths about myself, and that is never fun-but if I am to get better in ANY way, it must be done. Sometimes, I honestly get tired of having to do all this internal work; I can’t be the only one who does. I get resentful and angry because, you know, I should be perfect by now, right (*she says as she falls over laughing*)? I shouldn’t have to change anymore, right? Not the case. And while I am not taking on all the blame, there were things I did to contribute to Steve’s apparent unhappiness; I think I am and have been pretty aware of most of them, but I really thought I had been making progress. I am not diminishing his own responsibility to himself, because if I don’t know what the problem is (regardless of what it is), I can’t do anything to change/fix/help, and I can’t read minds. If he tells me he feels X,Y,Z, then I am going to accept that at face value. His refusal to address his problems or concerns and pretend everything was lovely and fine for him? That is HIS issue, and I can’t take that one on. But I do have my own, boy, do I.
So. I am just going to keep doing what I am doing, and am trying really hard to trust-in god, in myself, in something-that someday this is going to feel better. I want to get the point where I am almost glad, you know? I am not there yet, and I suspect it will be awhile before I am, but I will get there, right? Of course.