Actually, I have no idea what the point is today. I got up, I came to work, I will go home after work and I will go to bed. That’s it. I feel myself shrinking back into my little shell and building up another little bit of armor, and it gets more and more difficult to pull myself out of it. I went to dinner with my friend J. last night, and then we watched the movie “Crazy Heart” at the Parish Hall, and it was okay but mostly I was sitting there thinking,”Why does any of this matter?”
I am reluctant to write anything here, because anything I can say will be whining. Going over the same things over and over again. I had thought the review thing was funny in many ways, but also some legitimate stuff was brought up, and I think-well. What does it matter what I think? I had forgotten being insulated with my little network of friends that the world as a whole really does look at me and my life as a train wreck, and while I can forgive whatever is said about me, I can’t forgive or forget personal attacks on my family. And I had forgotten that many, many people are simply cruel for no apparent reason.
It isn’t just the review, although of course that is part of it. Mostly, it is knowing that I have basically been having the same problems with Steve and money and life for the last four years, and I imagine you all are getting tired of hearing about it. There are lots of good days, to be sure, but really, I am no different than I was a year ago, two years ago, ten years ago, and I am just tired enough of the whole shebang to simply step away. Not blogging, because I can never stay away for long, but with life in a very general sense. I want peace; I want happiness. I deserve them-but right this second, it just kind of seems like, again and again, what is the point?
Moving on….I just don’t know what to do with all of this shit, so I am choosing to do nothing at this point in time. Not in the sense of giving up so much as giving in. I have been shaken to the core by some recent things that have come up regarding Steve, and then I remember that I brought it on myself by allowing him back into my life.
Another day to get through, and I will. Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow again, I will get through.