the point being….

Actually, I have no idea what the point is today. I got up, I came to work, I will go home after work and I will go to bed. That’s it. I feel myself shrinking back into my little shell and building up another little bit of armor, and it gets more and more difficult to pull myself out of it. I went to dinner with my friend J. last night, and then we watched the movie “Crazy Heart” at the Parish Hall, and it was okay but mostly I was sitting there thinking,”Why does any of this matter?”

I am reluctant to write anything here, because anything I can say will be whining. Going over the same things over and over again. I had thought the review thing was funny in many ways, but also some legitimate stuff was brought up, and I think-well. What does it matter what I think? I had forgotten being insulated with my little network of friends that the world as a whole really does look at me and my life as a train wreck, and while I can forgive whatever is said about me, I can’t forgive or forget personal attacks on my family. And I had forgotten that many, many people are simply cruel for no apparent reason.

It isn’t just the review, although of course that is part of it. Mostly, it is knowing that I have basically been having the same problems with Steve and money and life for the last four years, and I imagine you all are getting tired of hearing about it. There are lots of good days, to be sure, but really, I am no different than I was a year ago, two years ago, ten years ago, and I am just tired enough of the whole shebang to simply step away. Not blogging, because I can never stay away for long, but with life in a very general sense. I want peace; I want happiness. I deserve them-but right this second, it just kind of seems like, again and again, what is the point?

Moving on….I just don’t know what to do with all of this shit, so I am choosing to do nothing at this point in time. Not in the sense of giving up so much as giving in. I have been shaken to the core by some recent things that have come up regarding Steve, and then I remember that I brought it on myself by allowing him back into my life.

Another day to get through, and I will. Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow again, I will get through.


15 thoughts on “the point being….

  1. At some point, I know you’re going to move past this shit. As difficult as it is to do, staying positive and knowing that fact in your heart is my advice to you. I am a strong believer in letting things go and in karma… combine the two and you can just keep movomg along, living your life… being a good person… and things WILL fall into place.

  2. Sometimes we just have to whine. That’s the beauty of blogland. We can bitch and moan or sound like lunatics and put our deepest fears out there and, for the most part, bloggers follow the “if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all” rule. It’s safe here. In real life we’d be considered batshit crazy!

    Give yourself a break.


  3. Please rant away. Nothing is truly safe, but people who dump on your feelings will get herpes from their keyboard someday. It all works itself out.

  4. I agree with Michelle. I was going to e-mail you and talk to you about the coming-up virtual shower for Hannah- and that’s a good thing, right?
    We’ll be in touch. I have missed you.

  5. Kori! Don’t start worrying about all that – if you need to put it out there, just do. Sometimes all you need to do is to write it or have it acknowledged. And I for one get bored with blogs where everything is always picture-perfect.

    You’re lovely. And not boring. x

  6. Just this Monday at my therapy appointment my therapist said to me, “Nothing is going to change if you don’t do anything. You can’t sit at home and expect energy to live to just show up on your doorstep.” At the time I got pissed off and started to cry. I felt like she was frustrated with hearing the same shit from me every week and she was yelling at me to shake me up. (Not really yelling, but it felt like that kind of tone.) I processed those comments as, “Julie, you’re failing at life and sitting around being passive. Stop being a loser.” Shortly after my appointment I realized that was exactly what I needed to hear.

    So I keep repeating to myself, “You can’t sit on your ass and expect your life to change.” And now I’m fired up to prove that I’m not failing at life; to regain the life that I had before this massive bout of frustration came and sat on my face suffocating me.

    Not that I think you’re sitting on your ass expecting change… I just wanted to share this with you.

    Love you!!

  7. I’m with Michelle- give yourself a break. You’ve been through a lot, and if people don’t want to read about it, they don’t have to. It’s pretty easy to hit the little x in the corner of the screen- you’re not forcing any of us to be here.

  8. Kori, No one thinks you are whining. You put things out there as honestly as anyone I have ever read. If that is the way it is right now, then that is the way it is. And no, you can’t possibly be the same person you were any of those years ago because you try to learn from each experience, good or bad. Hang in there!

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