It seems a little bit unreal that we are here, 800 some odd miles away from home, and let me tell you, every single day so far I have been stunned and amazed at how happy I am. I tend to be a basically happy person in general anyway, but I feel almost stoned with bliss. We had THE most excellent drive, even, with none of the kids getting too whacked out or annoyed with one another. I got to meet a fellow blogger in Portland, Angie, and it was really neat-my first experience meeting someone from the online community, and it much less stressful than I thought it would be. I was too excited to be very nervous.
We got here on Saturday evening and the house? Holy smokes, it is amazing. The big joke is that I am ensconced upstairs in what used to be the maid’s quarters-the Spinster Aunt, relegated to the attic with all the kids…but I have my own room and the best view, so it’s all good. Our house is huge, four stories, with lots of neat little nooks and crannies, and several clawfoot tubs and-well. Pictures will be forthcoming, but not until I get home.
Yesterday we went to the Farmer’s Market in Astoria, and we also went to the beach. You all should have seen my kids, looking at the awesome expanse of water for the first time. All of them couldn’t wait to get in, and even Owen was fearless. Me, I am with my family and with my kids and yet somehow apart, feeling my solitude and enduring the loneliness, and it feels somehow right. We had not intended on swimming yesterday, at least we adults, but I did, and then laid in the sand with the sound of the ocean in my ears, the warm sand underneath me, and maybe some healing has begun.
Mostly I am simply grateful. For the first time in years I have felt lifted up and bolstered by my sisters, held close in my sorrow and being nurtured. Not in the “God your life is so pathetic we feel sorry for you” kind of way, but in the “We love you and you can dwell in your sorrow and also your joy and it is okay.” This is new, an unexpected largess from the Universe.
So. Another day begins, to Seaside and beyond, and I am ready for whatever comes my way today. Have I told you that life is sweet and kind, even in the midst of grief? If I haven’t, I promise you that it IS.