here for the moment

Oh, mercy, life is so hard!

There you have the best picture of Aubry so far.  I feel a little bit remiss lately, as I have been/am still intending on writing her birth story for you all (and by the way, Ms. Moon, I credit the blue and black cohosh for her starting labor on her own!), but things have been pretty busy at Chez Jones the last little while.  We brought Aubry home on the 11th, and of course Hannah had to come with her, being the chuck wagonand all, and the pace increased exponentially almost immediately.  It is a good change of pace, though, with this new baby to snuggle and sweet toes to munch on and long, long fingers that hold us all so tightly.  Her umbilical cord has dried up and fallen off so she got her first tub bath, screaming all the while-she is practically a grown-up now!  Hannah has fountains of milk, and Aubry grunts like a pig while nursing, and all is well in the Baby world.

Not so well goes it for my Eli, who is suddenly a child I don’t know, half boy and half man and hating pretty much everything.  There have been problems at school, problems at home, and some moments I totally understand why some animals in the wild eat their young.  He has been so infuriating, so belligerent, that I have been looking at him helplessly, wondering what can truly be done to help this young man.  He denies it, but I strongly suspect that Hannah having the baby was the last straw for him; he loves them both, has agreed that perhaps Aubry is pretty delicious, but underneath I think the focus has been on Hannah for so long that he is trying to get my attention one way or another.  There are some different things in the works so that perhaps this doesn’t have to mean the ruination of the future in terms of school.  At home, I just keep telling him-as do all of our friends and chosen family-that I love him and I am not giving up on him no matter how mad he is at me.  There are moments of hope, though.  On Saturday night, after a huge fight on Friday where harsh words were spoken by all involved, he very casually strolled upstairs and started chatting about a book he had just finished reading.  We chatted for a little while about books and philosophy and then he said,”Well, my resolve to not speak to you for two weeks just went out the window!”  He is pretty amazing, and while of course Hannah still needs me, it is way past time to focus on the other three.  I hope to find some balance there, because I don’t want any of my kids to fall through the cracks.

So many other things to catch up on!  Sam is enjoying school and Owen just recently insisted on having his head buzzed in order to look just like his daddy, and has also recently begun saying funny little things like,”My brain REALLY needs a Twinkie!”  Things are in general pretty okay, just busy.  Look for some password protected posts in the future, as well as the birth story should you still want to hear it!




Hannah and Aubry


Here she is, the closest thing to perfection since I had my own children.  Born at 6:18 pm yesterday, September 9th 2010.  A whopping 8 lb 3 oz, which is over a pound more than the doctor estimated.  18.5 inches long, Apgars were 8 and 9.  Mama and baby both are thriving, though exhausted this morning. The whole story is waiting to be told, but for now, this granny is going to take a shower and then a long nap.  Love to all!

Today is The day!

Well, it is 8:30 am, and Hannah has been up most of the night with contractions. I got up at three, and reinforcements have arrived. Her contractions are five minutes apart, consistently for a couple of hours. We have given her a warm bath and walked, and when the contractions are about 4 minutes apart we will be headed to the hospital. Say some prayers, everyone, and I will keep you posted.

Baby Update and Tidbits

I swear, guys, there is a lot going on around here besides Hannah having the baby, but it seems to occupy our minds pretty wholly these days. She had another doctor appointment this afternoon, and though she is now at 2 cm. there have been no other changes. Cervix still hard and not at all effaced, baby still not moving down at all, so the progress made is minimal. Therefore, she is scheduled for an induction next Friday, which will make her 41 weeks. We will go in on Thursday evening to get her on an IV and she will be given something to help soften her cervix overnight, and then the induction will start Friday morning. I don’t know how I feel about this. I mean, I know I don’t want her to be induced, but at the same time, it isn’t my baby or my body. Now I am simply hoping that something will happen BEFORE then and she will go on her own. Keep your fingers crossed.

In other news, today would have been Steve and I’s 5th Anniversary. It makes me so sad, you know? There have been things going in in THAT arena, with Steve I mean, and I like to think that maybe he finally hit a bottom, but-I don’t know. Not for me to say, and frankly, I have seen him at this point, or close to it, too many times to take any of his words seriously. Yes, I know he loves me. Yes, I know he made a huge mistake. Yes, I know that the hoebag new girlfriend was a mistake. Yep. However, it doesn’t really mean anything to me since she dumped him-it isn’t as if he suddenly realized how much he DOES love me and wants to be with me, it is that she didn’t want him so let’s go back to Kori. And that hurts almost more than the leaving did, because I know I am second choice. NOT a good foundation to build on, right? I don’t know. It has all been such a mess, and some good things have happened in the sense of consequences to Steve but like I said, he has been here before, and I no longer have any reason to believe this time will end up any different.

Sigh, still and all, life is life and I just keep trudging through. Today, the good news is that no matter when it happens, at least we know that in 8 more days we will have Aubry. The not so great news is that I feel like I am forever inferior and can’t believe anyone when they tell me they love me. Maybe it evens out somehow, I don’t know. But I do know that I can choose how I react to things, so today I am just going to allow myself to feel sad, and in an hour I might be happy again, and it’s all good.

Labor Day? Ha!

The long Labor Day weekend has passed by with no laboring being done at our house.  We even went hiking and climbing yesterday to no avail-little Aubry seems content right where she is, though her Mama is anything BUT content.  She has another doctor’s appointment tomorrow; you know, the one where the doctor very blithely says, “Schedule an appointment in case you are still pregnant!”  With any kind of luck, she will have made some progress…and since I said nearly the exact same thing last week, you know how likely I think that is to happen.  It’s kind of funny; a few people we know have been, all along, full of doom and gloom about the whole teen pregnancy thing, as in,”The baby is going to be tiny because all teen moms have tiny babies because they don’t eat right.” or “Usually teen moms go into labor early because they don’t take care of themselves…” and I want to point out here that she is 39.5 weeks, has gained 24 pounds, and the doctor is estimatingAubry to be close to 7 pounds.  So there, oh ye naysayers!

Otherwise, most of the weekend was spent recuperating.  Other than yesterday when we went to the City of Rocks, I was at home most of the time, and it was just what I needed.  I went to my AA meeting on Friday, took naps, I went to bed early, and all in all, I think I am well on the road to recovery.  I am still tired, but it doesn’t feel any longer like I am going to collapse at my desk, so progress has been made.

Eli came home from a weekend with friends with both ears pierced.  I almost had a heart attack, because really?  BOTH ears?  It took me aback, and I am suddenly more aware than ever that my time of being his present and involved parent is almost gone.   Oh, in a sense he will always need me, and of course I am still his mother, but he is growing so quickly and pushing me away in small increments, and it makes me shudder to realize how fast it all goes.  I know that pulling and pushing away is normal and age appropriate, but it is still a bittersweet experience.

Otherwise, well, there are things going on, of course, but some of them are not mine to tell and others I am not ready to talk about, and through it all I am feeling amazingly peaceful.  I am really just focusing on doing what is in front of me and trusting that I will be given what I need, and it seems to be working.  I have so much of my own issues to work on that for the first time since I got sober, really, I am putting those things-ME-first.  It takes hard work and practice, but if the end result is peace, it is well worth it.

Still no baby at our house, which is both good and bad. Good in that I really can’t take any more time off work right this minute, as I have just gotten back after having missed four days. I told Hannah that this coming weekend would be most convenient for me, and she just laughed and said,”TODAY would be really convenient for ME!” I remember that feeling, though, of being pregnant forever, like this last few weeks is longer than the entire pregnancy.

I will keep everyone updated, but I might not be around a whole lot. I am playing catch-up at work, plus still really don’t feel GREAT (J. said it could take up to SIX WEEKS before I start feeling normal. Yikes) at this point. Mostly tired. The upside is that I now have an EXCUSE for wanting to be in bed by 9:00, right?