Signifigant Moments

Aubry at 6 Weeks

It has been something of an eventful week so far at our house, if only because we have all been sharing this lovely cold that makes you feel like you are going to slowly choke to death on your own phlegm. Or maybe that’s just me.  Anyway, Aubry got it, too, so poor Hannah has had to deal with being sick herself AND taking care of a sick baby. I tried to help her out a little last night by walking with her (Aubry, not Hannah), but she really just wanted her mama, and who could blame her? 

I can’t believe Halloween is at the end of this week; this month has flown by, and before we know it, the holiday season will be upon us.  To that end, I have already made plans for Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day-which actually thrills me to no end, because it means I don’t have to have that panicky sick feeling when contemplating the holidays as a single person.  I will be so busy with different things that I am not going to have TIME to feel lonely, I don’t think, and it is obvious that there is an abundance of people who love me, so why feel SAD?  Ok, the selfish part of me is totally like shit, being single this year means no presents for me, but-you know. I imagine I will live.  The funny thing is that I actually feel totally ok right this second about the holiday season fast approaching. I already know there is never enough money to give the kids the things I would like to give them, but that somehow things will be managed. I already know that the Cooking Queen friend of J’s WILL make a better, more beautiful dessert than I ever could, so I am simply not going to make a dessert. Funny, isn’t it, how perceptions can change from year to year, things that seemed (and often WERE) so terrible in years past don’t have the same kind of hold any longer?

And really, lots of things these days don’t have the same hold on me that they used to, at least right this moment. Lately, my days have been filled with moments, which is how (I think) I am supposed to view them. I have been doing thesenew morning meditations in my co-dependancy meditation book, and it is amazing how much my perspective on things has changed in just a short (relatively) amount of time!  Also, I am so humbled lately by the realization that it takes a lot less effort/energy to simply let things happen as opposed to trying to micro-manage the outcome of every.blessed.thing.  Choices and consequences are the nature of the beast, and the only thing I really need to do is…nothing.  What a concept (and I shouldn’t have to disclaim this but I will: by ‘nothing’ I don’t REALLY mean nothing, I just mean that I am becoming more aware of what my ‘job’ is, per se)!

I just looked outside and the clouds have moved in, and it looks like it might snow. That is in the forecast for today, and for some reason it seems especially thrilling to me.  The change in weather, in the seasons, the unmistakable cycle of living. The significance is not lost on me.

It isn’t that I don’t have anything to say, it is that I have too much to say, and no way to put it all in writing without sounding like some kind of a lunatic. More than usual, I mean. I am here, trust me, and alive, and there are good things happening in the midst of yet one more family crisis. This alone is tremendous progress for me in that I can still very much see the sweetness and blessings of life, rather than get sucked into the negative. Well, for this MOMENT anyway! But rest assured, I am here, I am reading all of you lovely people and thinking of you, and this all will make sense someday-RIGHT?

I am more than a little disgusted with myself for my lack of blogging lately; partly because of course I know you all are hanging on my every word (oh barf, did I really just say that?) but mostly because my head gets all wonky when left to its own devices, with no real outlet. I have to admit that I have gotten sucked into the Facebook vortex a little bit the past few days, but that really has very little to do with my lack of blogging.

The thing is, how do you blog when the the things going on are not your stories to tell, when you are a participant but only on the fringe? How do you blog about the troubles someone else is having, and how it affects you on a personal level, without telling parts that they don’t want you to tell?  There really isn’t a way to do that. 

So instead I write about the way the rain last night caused a shower of yellow and red leaves, layering themselves on the top of my car like some colorful autumn blanket.  The maple leaves are as big as both my hands put together, brown and red and damp on the road like a particularly spectacular carpet. Someone had a fire going last night, so the smell in the air was damp and smoky and reminiscent of every autumn I have lived, the smell of comfort and of the portent of good things to come.  Soon there will be soup in the crockpot and the taste of fresh pumpkin and the crisp, cool days will make my blood tingle with something akin to anticipation.  For what, I don’t know, but this time of year always makes me feel as if anything is possible.

I write then, too, about how my village has all banded together once again to help one of my children, and how absolutely blessed I feel today to acknowledge how much this village has grown.  The reminder I keep getting, over and over again, is that I don’t have to go through anything alone unless I choose to.  There are people who love all of my children and who will go out of their way to bring comfort and healing and guidance however best suits them.  There are people too who love me, who are there to support ME, and I have been blessed too with one particular and unexpected shoulder to lean on.  I don’t know what will happen in any arena of my life, either tomorrow or a year from now, but I am so grateful to have this village today.

I have so much to say, but also so much to pick through and process through that I am not sure where, really, to begin.  So instead, I will leave you now with this:

Aubry at Four Weeks