It’s funny; due to the pain and the nausea and vomiting and the chills, I haven’t been able to eat, but being told I CAN’T eat or drink anything somehow makes me feel like I am starving to death and dying of thirst all at the same time. The general consensus at this point is that I am having trouble with my gall bladder, and I was scheduled for an ulstrasound Friday morning but due to my extreme, fall-on-my-knees-and-cry pain, J. was able to get it changed to today at noon.
This is a strange place for me to be. Can I tell you here that I am terrified? One, I have never had that kind of pain before, EVER. Two, I was given a prescription for narcotic pain killers which is necessary but also scary for me. I am an alcoholic, with an alcoholic/addict mindset. Now, I have never had an issue with drugs, per se, but still, the potential for abuse is there for me. Three, I very well may be looling at surgery, which in and of itself is frightening, whether it’s out-patient surgery or not. Four, the whole financial aspect of it terrifies me. So I am trying to turn this all over to God, but still, I have no real serenity right now and I am having a hard time simply allowing myself to be afraid, to sit with those feelings and work through them one step at a time.
So I sit, trying NOT to think about how thirsty I am, trying to find my center and stay there, trying to stop projecting the outcome and instead simply accept that this right now is where I am. I can either let the fear spiral into something black and ugly that will chew me apart, or I can simply wait to see what happens. That is much harder to do than it sounds, but that is what I am working toward. Normal people maybe don’t panic at the idea of taking pain pills and having tests done, but we all know that normal is not one of the most common used words to describe me. It is what it is, I am where I am, and I am afraid.